Rabbit Season: A Marathon Review of Movies with Rabbits

Okay, so, just as I was preparing to amaze the Internets with another picture of a monkey riding on a donkey, I was reminded that this was a movie review blog, particularly reviewing movies that I haven't seen. Well, it is Easter and all, so, rather than just meeting expectations with a long-winded and uninteresting review of a film I have never seen, I instead decided to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus in a sensible and appropriate manner- by creating a list of movies that have rabbits in them.

A List of Movies that Have Rabbits in Them, In Order:
10. "Night of the Lepus"- I have never seen this movie about killer rabbits but I fully expect that it sucks. Why? BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT KILLER RABBITS! Not sharks. Not bears. Not giant ants. Not poltergeists. Not even piranhas. RABBITS! I can think of few things less scary than rabbits. Seriously, I could buy killer manatees. At least they are big and ugly. And unicorns have horns. But rabbits? I can only think of one movie that should have a killer rabbit in it...

9. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"- So you get a killer rabbit and a Trojan Rabbit. What else could you want from one movie, especially if you are a some kind of furry-loving rabbit freak? This actually may be #1, but I just now thought of it, so I'm putting it at #9, and its my blog, so if you want to put it higher, create your own blog and make your own list of rabbit movies.

8. "Donny Darko"- I hate this movie. I can't technically review it here, because I have actually seen it, but I truly, madly, deeply hate it. It is like that guy in high school that thinks he's so funny, and a few other people who hang out in the art room think he is funny, but really he isn't funny, and, when he gets beat up by the football team, everyone has sympathy because they hate the football team, too, but no one is really sorry, because the art-room guy sucks anyway. This movie thinks it is so clever and cute and creative, but really it just sits there, sucking, full of itself. It's like "Juno", only without Jason Bateman and with a guy in a creepy metal-faced rabbit costume. And, because of that, it does belong on a list of movies with rabbits in them. Doesn't stop it from sucking, though.

7. "Watership Down"- I was about 6 or 7 years old when my dear, dear mother, who is also the only dedicated reader of this blog, as well as the author of most of the comments (and, yes, Mom, I DO like to read about your hot sexxy website for sexxy friends to meet), took me to see this film of rabbit death and Art Garfunkel songs and traumatized me into a life of writing useless blog posts. And, of course, we all know that writing blog posts is an act a lot like masturbating, except it is less fun for me and even more hideous for people who accidentally see it (although both cause carpel tunnel). Anyhow, because I was so traumatized and terrorized by this film when I was young, I made sure and showed it to my own children, but I showed it to them when they were half the age I was when I first saw it, so that I could really test the limits of brain development. Anyhow, what was I saying? Oh yeah, #6...

6. "Harvey"- I think I've seen this once, but, just based on the fact that it has Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic in it puts it at #6, even if I can't remember seeing it. I do remember "Being There" with Peter Sellers- now THAT is a great movie! However, I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a rabbit in it, at least not that I remember, so I will leave "Harvey" on this list in its place. If anyone remembers a rabbit in "Being There", though, please leave a comment and I will replace "Harvey" with that. Of course, there is always that other great holiday film starring Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic who ruins his bank, tries to kill himself, and sees angels, and I'm obviously talking about the Christmas classic, "An American Tail: Fievel Goes West". There is nothing like the combination of Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic and a Christian holiday to really bring people together.

5. "Roger and Me"- Remember the part about "Rabbits For Sale- For Pets or Meat" and then the lady kills the rabbit? Thought so. Remember the John Candy comedy "Canadian Bacon" written by Michael Moore? Thought not. Maybe he should have killed rabbits in that one, too.

4. "Space Jam"- Bugs Bunny meets Michael Jordan- how could it lose? Watch and see, my friends, watch and see. I'd rather have an anvil dropped on my head while blowing my feet off with a pair of Acme Rocket Powered Roller Skates and listening to Foghorn Leghorn lecture on segregation than see this willful destruction of childhood memories ever again. Afterward, I think I cried harder than I did at any part of "Watership Down". In fact, a falling t ar just short d out th ' ' k y on my k yboard now.

3. "The Rabbit Test"- Okay, I have to admit, the closest I ever came to seeing this movie was once when I was a kid and it showed up on The Movie Channel and my mother made me turn it off. Otherwise, I have no idea what it is about. Since I'm being honest, I just realized that I had three more spaces to fill and only two more movies I could think of with rabbits in them, so I plugged this thing in here because it had "rabbit" in the title. That way, I don't reveal my public school education by skipping straight from #4 to #2. Since I don't really have anything to say about this flick, instead I'm just gonna cut and paste some random text from a Wikipedia article: [The quotes mean I stole this straight from Wikipedia.][The square brackets mean I am doing something unheard of in the realm of the Internets and admitting to theft.]: "When Lionel meets Segoynia's fortune-telling grandmother (played by Roddy McDowall in drag) she intuits that he is the world's first pregnant man. The rest of the film is a series of gags relating to his pregnancy and people's reactions to it. One sideplot has Lionel being pursued by"

Sounds great. I'm sorry my ma made me turn it off.

2. "Bambi"- Psst! Bambi's mom dies! And, unlike Jesus, she doesn't come back! Hope I didn't ruin it for ya!

1. "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"- This is the power of light and goodness to "Space Jam"'s eternal sucky animation damnation. I mean, seriously, how could a movie starring a rabbit get any better? Well, yeah, Jennifer Connelly, I know, but you do get Jessica Rabbit, who held the title as Hottest Cartoon Movie Star up until the blue chick from "Avatar" (and she cheated, because she was in 3-D). I have seen this movie nine hunnert and fitty-seven some odd times, and I still laugh at lines like, "Let's shake the weasels". If you do not like this movie, then get out of my blog now. Seriously. Get out and don't come back. We'll wait...still waiting...go on, GET OUT! Hit "Next Blog" up there at the top of the screen and read about someone's kid's birthday party or an analysis of urban planning or whatever. But just get out of this blog and leave those of us who appreciate good rabbit movies alone. Are you gone? Good. Don't come back.

As for the rest of you, can't you see that that was #1? That means the list is done. It's not like it's gonna go to #.5 or #-1 or something. You go on and get out, too. I'm tired of all your neediness. Don't stay here looking for more pictures of monkeys riding donkeys or whatever other sick thing brought you to this blog! As Jesus said on Easter when He rose from the dead and pushed His way out of the tomb, "Let's get this thing rolling! I'm sick of just hanging around!"

[Unfortunately, after typing that last line, the author's computer mysteriously quit working and his Internet service was canceled and his home was foreclosed and he died. R.I.P.- Ed.]

An Apology for The Previous Apology

To Whom It May Concern:

In the previous post, we actually used the word "cad". We regret the use of this word and will personally insist that it never appear on this website again (well, never again after it appeared at the start of this apology). In addition, we can assure you that the 5 fact-checkers that allowed this word to appear have been fired and have had their legs broken. Rest assured that we will never again permit the word "cad" to appear on this blog, even in the event of an emergency.

Damn. There it is again. Time to fire another 7 fact-checkers. And eat their thyroids.

Sincerely,

Mgmt.

A Correction and Apology to All of Our Valued Readers, and Even to Our Readers That We Don't Care Two Bits About

Sirs (and various other women who might accidentally find themselves viewing this website):

We regret to inform you that, in the course of a post during the month of December, a quote was incorrectly attributed to Winston Churchill. The quote, of course, was the immortal line, "I'll be rich, I tells ya! Rich!". As even the lowest performing second-grader (and, here, we're talking about the one who sits in the back of the room, picking his nose and wiping it under the desk while quietly cursing under his breath) knows, this quote was not uttered by the great Winston Churchill, even when sober, but was instead a line from a play by the underachieving writer/philosopher/general cad Franz "Leghorn" Kafka. The correct Winston Churchill quote, and the one that directly applies to the post in question, is, obviously, "I'd rather have a bottle in fronta me than a frontal lobotomy." We regret the error and swear on our mother's good name (at least as it stood prior to her New Years Eve solicitation arrest) that incorrect information has never appeared on this blog before or since, so please quit your whining. From this point forward, we will employ at great expense seventeen unemployed newspaper fact checkers to verify the accuracy of every single word that dares to rear its ugly syllables in these hallowed pages. We have learned our lesson and will never use quotes in this blog again. Thank you for your patience and kind and loving comments either written in Russian or directing us to links that will make us devastatingly rich. (If we weren't so hopped up on free Viagra and Xanax, we would definitely take you up on these links.)

In addition, we sincerely apologize to the global community and anyone else with a shred of decency and light for all the other content on this blog, including this very post, with the exception of the words "Jennifer Connelly".

And now, in an effort to make amends for our crimes and omissions, here is a picture of a monkey riding on a donkey:

Sincerly,

Mgmnt & Friends

LOLKomodo Dragonz Will Prevent Suicide or At Least Make You Temporarily Forget How Meaningless and Insignificant Human Existance Really Is!

So, the economy's in the crapper, no one outside of the government has a job (as evidenced by the number of blogs on the Internets), our houses are worth about a can of tuna and two snack-size Snickers bars, Tiger Woods is probably cheating on his wife as I type this, they are making a third "Transformers" movie, there is still no peace in the Middle East, a white death-filled storm has cryogenically preserved the Midwest and East Coast, we are surely only weeks away from a zombie apocalypse, and our children may have to suffer with only one Xbox 360 this year instead of having one for the living room and one for the bedroom, just to allow us to have a small Christmas goose this year (God Bless Us, Every One). What is there to make us happy? What can urge us onward and upward and keep us going when the going gets dark and the tough get their groove on? Where can a person find something inspirational yet "Safe For Work" lurking around the Internets these days? Who can be our knight in green, scaly armour?

Why, it's LOLKomodo Dragonz to the rescue!

Yes, just looking at the hope and optimism in that image makes me burst with joy*. It just screams that, if LOLKomodo Dragonz can do it, so can I! Thank you, LOLKomodo Dragonz! You're our only hope! (And please remember: the above image is available for licensing to use at corporate retreats, motivational seminars, AA meetings, prison and mental hospital common rooms, church basements, fast food drive-thru windows where the "customer per hour" count is not high enough, retail stockrooms, teacher's lounges, charter schools, pediatrician's offices, military recruitment centers, computer screen-savers and anywhere else that depression, despair, and pitch black wishes for quick and painless death are the norm. Simply contact me to arrange transfer of the significantly large and up-front fee.)

Now, as that famous philosopher Robin Williams once said, "Carpe Dicem!", or "Cut The Fish!"

*and, of course, by "burst with joy", I mean "become very wealthy from royalty and product sales and win the love of the beautiful and talented Jennifer Connelly".