Things I Do Instead of Writing the Songs that Make the Whole World Sing

• I Burn the Toast that Makes the Smoke Alarm Go Off
• I Eat the Burritos that Make my Whole Family Cringe
• I Take the Nap that Makes My Head Feel All Fuzzy
• I Post the Posts to Facebook that Make Most People Sorry They Friended Me
• I Pay the Bills Late that Makes A Finance Charge Show Up on My Account Next Month
• I Watch the TV and that Prevents Me From Doing Much of Anything Else
• I Underinflate the Air Pressure in My Tires that Makes the Gas Mileage Go Down, and then, Because I Can't Find the Stupid Tire Pressure Gauge, I Overinflate the Air Pressure in My Tires That Makes the Vehicle Difficult to Control In High Speed Situations
• I Write the Grocery Lists that I Routinely Forget and Leave on the Counter When I Go to the Store Which Makes Me More Susceptible to Impulse Buys
• I Do the Laundry Without Sorting By Colors Which Makes My Underwear Pink
• I Eat the Cookies that Were Made For the Kid's Lunches
• I Write the Blog Posts that Make People In Greece Regret that They Searched For "Where Are Naked Pictures of Jennifer Connelly", At Least for the 1.6 Seconds They Are On This Blog Page

Fruits That Are More Musical Than Beans

• Banana
• Raspberry
• Kumquat
• Clementine
• Kiwi
• Huckleberry
• Gooseberry
• Tangerine
• Acai
• Rock Melon
• Pomegranate
• Lychee
• Ziziphus mauritiana
• Raisin
• Pineapple
• Every other real fruit, including oranges, because beans are freakin' legumes, seed pods, and I don't even consider them fruits

Slummer School: English

They say that 65% of what is learned is lost during summer vacation Well, I don't know who "they" is, but I am a crazy optimist who prefers to look at it as 30% of learning is retained, which, to me, means that, if you give 110%, you will realize that there is no "I" in "team". Although there is a "me". But, anyhow, I still think that, after this incredible pep talk, everyone should be willing to learn a little bit, and, in an effort to declare this blog as a charter school and start collecting Fed moola so that I can improve the facilities to maximize student learning (I mean, how can I have a Phys Ed program without a heated swimming pool and a hot tub for physical therapy? I plan on correcting that around here as soon as I get those charter school funds. And I'm sick of the beans and Hot Pockets they serve in the cafeteria around here- give me some champagne and filet topped with a slice of free government lunch cheese!). With just a little bit further ado, I now commence on my tax-deductible, union-protected job of educating the youfs of the Internets through this fabulous development of my technology based, distance learning Summer Program, or, in other words, typing this damn blog.

And, since 85% of this blog is typed in English, I guess we'll start our Summer Learning program with English.

English

Many people, including myself, may be asking "What are the parts of speech?" In fact, if you are not asking that, it may be because you don't know enough parts of speech to form the sentence "What are the parts of speech?" (Hint: There are twelve parts of speech in that sentence, with two more that are unlockable once you've beaten the first twelve and have the passwords, and one more that can be gained by subscribing to the RSS feed of this blog, plus a secret one that is only given out to members of Congress and the top 1% wage earners in the U.S.). Anyhow, you didn't come here to ask questions- you came here to learn. With that said, let the learning commence.

Parts of Speech

1. Nouns
Definition: Every word you can say or even think about, day and night, along with a few others you can't pronounce and a few you aren't allowed to say and some from other languages.
Examples: This, and this, and this. Oh, and also this.

Purpose: To fill in those uncomfortable gaps in conversation when a date is going poorly.

Friends Describe Nouns As: Arrogant

Rank: 1.75

Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Tom Hanks

Fun Fact: Without nouns, the world would be a much quieter place.

Sample Sentence: Noun goin ta set foot on ma proprety, er else.

2. Verbs
Definition: Everything that gets you in trouble.
Examples: Yelling, fighting, stealing, drinking, smoking, defecating, sleeping during conference calls, coveting, skydiving, flirting with the hot babysitter, being
Purpose: To find ways to get out of work
Friends Describe Verbs As: Tiresome
Rank: 4.379
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Quinton "Rampage" Jackson
Fun Fact: When people sleep, only a quarter of the population dreams verbs in color. The rest of human subjects dream verbs that are old black-and-white ones (like "gallivanting", "parlaying", and "frolicking").
Sample Sentence: VERB! Excuse me! I must have eaten too much garlic dip!

3. Adjectives
Definition: Every word that you can't figure out what part of speech it belongs to is, by default, an adjective.
Examples: betelgeuse, pretense, sippy cup, zumba, minke whale, polyamorous
Purpose: To try and sound smart and impress people at a party/job interview/parole hearing/infomercial
Friends Describe Adjectives As: Needy
Rank: 8
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Gwyneth Paltrow
Fun Fact: If you randomly put a string of letters together, or even just beat your head on a keyboard repeatedly, you will most likely create an adjective.
Sample Sentence: T'was brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

4. Adverbs
Definition: This is kinda like a verb, only a lot more.
Examples: YELLING, FIGHTING, STEALING, DRINKING A LOT, SMOKING UNFILTERED, DEFECATING AFTER EATING TACO BELL, COVETING THY NEIGHBOR'S OX, SKYDIVING WITHOUT A PARACHUTE, RUNNING AWAY AND GETTING MARRIED TO THE HOT BABYSITTER LEAVING YOUR KIDS AND WIFE PENNILESS
Purpose: To convince people not to mess with you
Friends Describe Adverbs As: Obnoxiously, hideously, aimlessly stupid
Rank: -7
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Dane Cook
Fun Fact: No one likes adverbs.
Another Fun Fact: Adverbs can be recognized by the tell-tale "lies" they always end with.
Sample Sentence: Did you hear that Shelly caught her husband trying to adverb? SHUT UP WITH YOUR SENSELESS GOSSIP ALREADY!

5. Pronouns
Definition: A professional noun
Examples: doctor, lawyer, long-haul trucker, Lebron James
Purpose: To entertain the other parts of speech
Friends Describe Pronouns As: Way awesome
Rank: 2, 000, 453, 839
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: LeBron James
Fun Fact: The word "teacher" does not count as a pronoun.
Sample Sentence: If that noun could be serious about conditioning, he'd be looking at being recruited as a pronoun.

6. Interjections
Definition: These are words that can only be used by lawyers.
Examples: hereafter, wherefore, unto, insamuch, however
Purpose: To understand the purpose of an interjection requires an advanced degree plus two to four years of intensive training, which is much more time than we have to spend on this blog entry.
Friends Describe Interjections As: Hoity-toity
Rank: 16.8439732
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Helen Mirren
Fun Fact: Interjections are the only words used in both the Magna Carta (which is French for "Big Card")and the Declaration of the Constitution
Sample Sentence: Allow me to interject! P'shaw!

7. Conjunctions
Definition: These are the sounds people make when they forget their lines in a play or while giving a speech.
Examples: uh, um, ah, mmmmm, huh, duh, oh shit
Purpose: To prevent other people from talking even when you don't have anything left to say
Friends Describe Conjunctions As: Liberal
Rank:3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Billy Bob Thornton
Fun Fact: Conjunctions are the only part of speech that Americans enjoy asking what their function is while having no actual idea what their function is.
Sample Sentence: There has been a three-car accident at the conjunction of I-75 and I-80. Take an alternate route!

8. Prepositions
Definition: Words people use to try and trick other people into doing things
Examples: payment, trade, favor, owe, legal action
Purpose: To trick other people into doing things- duh!
Friends Describe Prepositions As: Charming in a creepy way
Rank: Tadpole
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Charlie Sheen
Fun Fact: Many towns in the Southern part of the United States have outlawed the used of prepositions entirely and, if you use one in Arizona, you will immediately be deported to Mexico.
Sample Sentence: I would like to preposition you to come back to my place to drink some beer.

9. Articles
Definition: These are not parts of speech at all, but are a collection of parts of speech that come together to make speech. Articles can be found in such things as magazines, newspapers, and your better-written blogs.
Examples: "Obama May Be Able to Prove U.S. Citizenship", "B.P Decides to Start Sacrificing Puppies and Kitties in an Attempt to Stop Oil Leak", "My Life With Angela Lansbury", "Shocking! Beyonce and Oprah Love Affair!", "Visit to Grandma's House w/ Pix", "Reviews of the Ignorant".
Purpose: To provide a nice number of "Parts of Speech" so that posters in English classrooms are balanced into neat columns rather than being ugly and uneven.
Friends Describe Articles As: Entertaining enough to pass the time in the airport or doctor's office
Rank: B
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Gary Coleman Verne Troyer
Fun Fact: Articles are not actually parts of speech, but, rather, are adjectives with an inferiority complex.
Sample Sentence: Do not put your fingers in people's armpits because, not only is it unsanitary, but it articles them!

10. Dirty
Definition: Any word that can get you fired for keying it in a Google search box.
Examples: censored, censored, censored, plushie, and censored
Purpose: To entertain middle-school boys; to keep HBO in business
Friends Describe Dirty Words As: ((smirking chuckle))
Rank: 69
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Kendra Wilkinson
Fun Fact: Dirty words are the only parts of speech that are actually fun. The rest are pretty much boring and useless.
Sample Sentence: "Poo-poo, ca-ca," said the mayor, while a hooker in red leather peed in his hair and a teenage girl in Tijuana was traded by her grandma to a group of USC football players for ten bucks and a bottle of Darvocet.

Okay, so now you know all your parts of speech, and, as you sit there trying to figure out what six-figure job you will apply for next, you may ask the question, "But what can I do with this information"? Well, you are not so smart now, huh? You could make trading cards of the parts of speech and trade with your friends. You could teach middle-school English. You could write a blog. You could just sit back and eat Doritos out of the bag. Or you could diagram a sentence.
 
What, you may ask, is diagramming a sentence? Well, it is a formula for understanding the English language that is so complex, so mind-boggling, so amazingly awesome that I am not going to share it with you. To truly understand it, you must reach the 39th degree of English, which requires such sacrifices as being spanked by drunk men in fezzes and being buried alive in the Mojave Desert.  However, I will diagram the following sentence, just to give you an example of what you could obtain if you dare to dream. Watch closely:
 
First, an ordinary sentence-
I gasped as the heart-stoppingly gorgeous goddess Jennifer Connelly approached me outside the dollar store in order to profess her undying love.
 
Now, prepare for the mind-blowing. With nothing up my sleeve, and no assistance from the TV cameras, I will now attempt to diagram the above sentence:

Diagram 1

Ooooooh, I conjuncted as I heard the sound of the Internet shift to the left. That may have been too much knowledge for one lesson. I had a 74 page PowerPoint ready to continue discussion of Parts of Speech, but, after that diagramming demonstration, maybe we should all go eat Cheetos, drink Kool-Aid and watch "He-Man" while we wait for our parents to get home.

Class dismissed. 

And Now For How I Really Feel...

Since this is, at least according to the title header, a movie review blog, then I feel I should review a movie. So here goes...

Napoleon Dynamite

Man, I hate that thing. Stupid. Terrible. Sucks. Hate it.

Meanwhile, did I mention that Jennifer Connelly is hot?

Rabbit Season: A Marathon Review of Movies with Rabbits

Okay, so, just as I was preparing to amaze the Internets with another picture of a monkey riding on a donkey, I was reminded that this was a movie review blog, particularly reviewing movies that I haven't seen. Well, it is Easter and all, so, rather than just meeting expectations with a long-winded and uninteresting review of a film I have never seen, I instead decided to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus in a sensible and appropriate manner- by creating a list of movies that have rabbits in them.

A List of Movies that Have Rabbits in Them, In Order:
10. "Night of the Lepus"- I have never seen this movie about killer rabbits but I fully expect that it sucks. Why? BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT KILLER RABBITS! Not sharks. Not bears. Not giant ants. Not poltergeists. Not even piranhas. RABBITS! I can think of few things less scary than rabbits. Seriously, I could buy killer manatees. At least they are big and ugly. And unicorns have horns. But rabbits? I can only think of one movie that should have a killer rabbit in it...

9. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"- So you get a killer rabbit and a Trojan Rabbit. What else could you want from one movie, especially if you are a some kind of furry-loving rabbit freak? This actually may be #1, but I just now thought of it, so I'm putting it at #9, and its my blog, so if you want to put it higher, create your own blog and make your own list of rabbit movies.

8. "Donny Darko"- I hate this movie. I can't technically review it here, because I have actually seen it, but I truly, madly, deeply hate it. It is like that guy in high school that thinks he's so funny, and a few other people who hang out in the art room think he is funny, but really he isn't funny, and, when he gets beat up by the football team, everyone has sympathy because they hate the football team, too, but no one is really sorry, because the art-room guy sucks anyway. This movie thinks it is so clever and cute and creative, but really it just sits there, sucking, full of itself. It's like "Juno", only without Jason Bateman and with a guy in a creepy metal-faced rabbit costume. And, because of that, it does belong on a list of movies with rabbits in them. Doesn't stop it from sucking, though.

7. "Watership Down"- I was about 6 or 7 years old when my dear, dear mother, who is also the only dedicated reader of this blog, as well as the author of most of the comments (and, yes, Mom, I DO like to read about your hot sexxy website for sexxy friends to meet), took me to see this film of rabbit death and Art Garfunkel songs and traumatized me into a life of writing useless blog posts. And, of course, we all know that writing blog posts is an act a lot like masturbating, except it is less fun for me and even more hideous for people who accidentally see it (although both cause carpel tunnel). Anyhow, because I was so traumatized and terrorized by this film when I was young, I made sure and showed it to my own children, but I showed it to them when they were half the age I was when I first saw it, so that I could really test the limits of brain development. Anyhow, what was I saying? Oh yeah, #6...

6. "Harvey"- I think I've seen this once, but, just based on the fact that it has Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic in it puts it at #6, even if I can't remember seeing it. I do remember "Being There" with Peter Sellers- now THAT is a great movie! However, I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a rabbit in it, at least not that I remember, so I will leave "Harvey" on this list in its place. If anyone remembers a rabbit in "Being There", though, please leave a comment and I will replace "Harvey" with that. Of course, there is always that other great holiday film starring Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic who ruins his bank, tries to kill himself, and sees angels, and I'm obviously talking about the Christmas classic, "An American Tail: Fievel Goes West". There is nothing like the combination of Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic and a Christian holiday to really bring people together.

5. "Roger and Me"- Remember the part about "Rabbits For Sale- For Pets or Meat" and then the lady kills the rabbit? Thought so. Remember the John Candy comedy "Canadian Bacon" written by Michael Moore? Thought not. Maybe he should have killed rabbits in that one, too.

4. "Space Jam"- Bugs Bunny meets Michael Jordan- how could it lose? Watch and see, my friends, watch and see. I'd rather have an anvil dropped on my head while blowing my feet off with a pair of Acme Rocket Powered Roller Skates and listening to Foghorn Leghorn lecture on segregation than see this willful destruction of childhood memories ever again. Afterward, I think I cried harder than I did at any part of "Watership Down". In fact, a falling t ar just short d out th ' ' k y on my k yboard now.

3. "The Rabbit Test"- Okay, I have to admit, the closest I ever came to seeing this movie was once when I was a kid and it showed up on The Movie Channel and my mother made me turn it off. Otherwise, I have no idea what it is about. Since I'm being honest, I just realized that I had three more spaces to fill and only two more movies I could think of with rabbits in them, so I plugged this thing in here because it had "rabbit" in the title. That way, I don't reveal my public school education by skipping straight from #4 to #2. Since I don't really have anything to say about this flick, instead I'm just gonna cut and paste some random text from a Wikipedia article: [The quotes mean I stole this straight from Wikipedia.][The square brackets mean I am doing something unheard of in the realm of the Internets and admitting to theft.]: "When Lionel meets Segoynia's fortune-telling grandmother (played by Roddy McDowall in drag) she intuits that he is the world's first pregnant man. The rest of the film is a series of gags relating to his pregnancy and people's reactions to it. One sideplot has Lionel being pursued by"

Sounds great. I'm sorry my ma made me turn it off.

2. "Bambi"- Psst! Bambi's mom dies! And, unlike Jesus, she doesn't come back! Hope I didn't ruin it for ya!

1. "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"- This is the power of light and goodness to "Space Jam"'s eternal sucky animation damnation. I mean, seriously, how could a movie starring a rabbit get any better? Well, yeah, Jennifer Connelly, I know, but you do get Jessica Rabbit, who held the title as Hottest Cartoon Movie Star up until the blue chick from "Avatar" (and she cheated, because she was in 3-D). I have seen this movie nine hunnert and fitty-seven some odd times, and I still laugh at lines like, "Let's shake the weasels". If you do not like this movie, then get out of my blog now. Seriously. Get out and don't come back. We'll wait...still waiting...go on, GET OUT! Hit "Next Blog" up there at the top of the screen and read about someone's kid's birthday party or an analysis of urban planning or whatever. But just get out of this blog and leave those of us who appreciate good rabbit movies alone. Are you gone? Good. Don't come back.

As for the rest of you, can't you see that that was #1? That means the list is done. It's not like it's gonna go to #.5 or #-1 or something. You go on and get out, too. I'm tired of all your neediness. Don't stay here looking for more pictures of monkeys riding donkeys or whatever other sick thing brought you to this blog! As Jesus said on Easter when He rose from the dead and pushed His way out of the tomb, "Let's get this thing rolling! I'm sick of just hanging around!"

[Unfortunately, after typing that last line, the author's computer mysteriously quit working and his Internet service was canceled and his home was foreclosed and he died. R.I.P.- Ed.]

An Apology for The Previous Apology

To Whom It May Concern:

In the previous post, we actually used the word "cad". We regret the use of this word and will personally insist that it never appear on this website again (well, never again after it appeared at the start of this apology). In addition, we can assure you that the 5 fact-checkers that allowed this word to appear have been fired and have had their legs broken. Rest assured that we will never again permit the word "cad" to appear on this blog, even in the event of an emergency.

Damn. There it is again. Time to fire another 7 fact-checkers. And eat their thyroids.

Sincerely,

Mgmt.

A Correction and Apology to All of Our Valued Readers, and Even to Our Readers That We Don't Care Two Bits About

Sirs (and various other women who might accidentally find themselves viewing this website):

We regret to inform you that, in the course of a post during the month of December, a quote was incorrectly attributed to Winston Churchill. The quote, of course, was the immortal line, "I'll be rich, I tells ya! Rich!". As even the lowest performing second-grader (and, here, we're talking about the one who sits in the back of the room, picking his nose and wiping it under the desk while quietly cursing under his breath) knows, this quote was not uttered by the great Winston Churchill, even when sober, but was instead a line from a play by the underachieving writer/philosopher/general cad Franz "Leghorn" Kafka. The correct Winston Churchill quote, and the one that directly applies to the post in question, is, obviously, "I'd rather have a bottle in fronta me than a frontal lobotomy." We regret the error and swear on our mother's good name (at least as it stood prior to her New Years Eve solicitation arrest) that incorrect information has never appeared on this blog before or since, so please quit your whining. From this point forward, we will employ at great expense seventeen unemployed newspaper fact checkers to verify the accuracy of every single word that dares to rear its ugly syllables in these hallowed pages. We have learned our lesson and will never use quotes in this blog again. Thank you for your patience and kind and loving comments either written in Russian or directing us to links that will make us devastatingly rich. (If we weren't so hopped up on free Viagra and Xanax, we would definitely take you up on these links.)

In addition, we sincerely apologize to the global community and anyone else with a shred of decency and light for all the other content on this blog, including this very post, with the exception of the words "Jennifer Connelly".

And now, in an effort to make amends for our crimes and omissions, here is a picture of a monkey riding on a donkey:

Sincerly,

Mgmnt & Friends

LOLKomodo Dragonz Will Prevent Suicide or At Least Make You Temporarily Forget How Meaningless and Insignificant Human Existance Really Is!

So, the economy's in the crapper, no one outside of the government has a job (as evidenced by the number of blogs on the Internets), our houses are worth about a can of tuna and two snack-size Snickers bars, Tiger Woods is probably cheating on his wife as I type this, they are making a third "Transformers" movie, there is still no peace in the Middle East, a white death-filled storm has cryogenically preserved the Midwest and East Coast, we are surely only weeks away from a zombie apocalypse, and our children may have to suffer with only one Xbox 360 this year instead of having one for the living room and one for the bedroom, just to allow us to have a small Christmas goose this year (God Bless Us, Every One). What is there to make us happy? What can urge us onward and upward and keep us going when the going gets dark and the tough get their groove on? Where can a person find something inspirational yet "Safe For Work" lurking around the Internets these days? Who can be our knight in green, scaly armour?

Why, it's LOLKomodo Dragonz to the rescue!

Yes, just looking at the hope and optimism in that image makes me burst with joy*. It just screams that, if LOLKomodo Dragonz can do it, so can I! Thank you, LOLKomodo Dragonz! You're our only hope! (And please remember: the above image is available for licensing to use at corporate retreats, motivational seminars, AA meetings, prison and mental hospital common rooms, church basements, fast food drive-thru windows where the "customer per hour" count is not high enough, retail stockrooms, teacher's lounges, charter schools, pediatrician's offices, military recruitment centers, computer screen-savers and anywhere else that depression, despair, and pitch black wishes for quick and painless death are the norm. Simply contact me to arrange transfer of the significantly large and up-front fee.)

Now, as that famous philosopher Robin Williams once said, "Carpe Dicem!", or "Cut The Fish!"

*and, of course, by "burst with joy", I mean "become very wealthy from royalty and product sales and win the love of the beautiful and talented Jennifer Connelly".

LOLKomodo Dragonz Take Your Mom's Inbox By STORM!

Thanks to the great response by, well...by absolutely no one to the original LOLKomodo Dragonz, in an effort to keep the momentum building, here is yet another hilarious (and by 'hilarious', I mean grossly photoshopped in a matter of five minutes) LOLKomodo Dragonz making its appearance on the Frog Blog. Just as in the case with the first, this is 100% guaranteed to please every old lady who edits a church bulletin in the U.S. of A., regardless of race, creed, hair color, odor, religious bulletin affiliation, or sexual orientation.
It will literally be only a matter of seconds (possibly nanoseconds) before the publishers swamp this blog with book offers and big checks like they give away at the telethons trying to secure the rights to "LOLKomodo Dragonz- The Bookz", flooding this blog with a deluge of such force and power that the entirety of the Internets may collapse into a black hole of stupid YouTube comments and naked pictures of Tiger Wood's special friends. Enjoy this photo, mouth-breathing web nerds, and prepare to cry when you see me and my Komodo Dragon on the arm of the beautiful and classy Jennifer Connelly at next year's A-komodo-y Awards ceremony.

As the great Winston Churchill once said, "I'll be rich, I tells ya! Rich!"

The Newest Rage: LOLKomodoDragonz!

In a desperate attempt to drive blog traffic to this forsaken and desolate corner of the Internets without actually adding thoughtful and carefully constructed content, I would like to introduce our newest and most original T-shirt friendly source of mirth and hilarity, the LOLKomodoDragonz! Read 'em and laugh, surfing fools:

Great for elementary school classrooms, dorm rooms, and dentist offices, as well as any place else people enjoy laughing at others that can't spell and/or possibly have a learning disability! Publishers, manufacturers of fine gifts, and various media outlets, please leave your contact information and the number that you are willing to pay for the rights to this quality humor, complete with as many zeros as necessary, in the always insightful blog "Comments" section. Nigerian princes and Viagra salesmen need not apply.

If Jennifer Connelly reads this, please laugh and find me funny. Please.

Ignorant Education: The Presidents, Part I

So it has been brought to my attention that this blog is frequently used by school children to help with homework, write reports, jump to really quickly to cover up surfing porn, etc., etc., etc. But the problem with this is that the content of this website, in addition to being questionable, is primarily lies backed by falsehoods covered by inaccuracies. This would be acceptable if this was a public school, but it is entirely unacceptable for a blog. The Internets has a reputation for truthfulness and honesty. I mean, it's not like just anyone can post on Wikipedia, or that that Czech supermodel you've been chatting with is really a 50 year old lawn service employee in New Jersey with one hand on his keyboard and the other down his pants. No, the Internets is a collection of expertly researched, strategically organized examples of stellar writing and focused research, and here we at the Frog Blog just post crap willy-nilly with no regard for the black eye it may cause the Internets. For this, we sincerely apologize, from the depths of our shriveled, blackened hearts. We also apologize for our cracks about penguins. That wasn't nice, and we have grown since then. However, we do not apologize for cracks about Katherine Heigl. She may have some people fooled into thinking she is hot, but we know the truth. Good skin and blond hair does not mask the fact that she is really a dolphin. Look at those side-of-the-head dolphin eyes. That couldn't be done on porpoise. And, what's up with that last name? Buy a vowel already.

Anyhow, that brings us to the educational portion of this blog. In penitence for our transgressions against honesty and integrity, we have agreed to begin posting educational content between our usual ignorant movie reviews. Seeing as how some people on TV keep blabbing about Presidents for some reason, we figured it would be a good time to start a series of presidential profiles. Starting tonight, we will begin a series of educational, informational fact sheets about all 76 American Presidents (and a few of their wives and girlfriends). So here you go, kids. No need to worry about homework- just cut and paste this junk into Word and print it out and, as the French would say, viola! Instant report! No need to pay that nerdy kid with glasses to write the thing for you (even if you do beat him up after school to get your money back). Just plagiarize this garbage and jump straight to the wedgies and swirlies.

To begin our series of Presidential Fact Sheets, we have chosen some of our most popular presidents, the Big 5 (as we in the industry call them) that appeared on Mt. Rushmore. It is always amazing that people can deny the Hand of God when something as amazing as Mt. Rushmore can appear in the middle of someplace as hellish as South Carolina. Or is it South Korea? Anyhow, only God can make mountains, and only an even bigger God can make them in the shape of American Presidents.

So, in summary, suck it, Japan! You think you are so smart, eh? Well, your president must look like some kind of anteater or a dustbuster, because all you have is Mt. Fuji. Americans, on the other hand, have a huge God who loves our presidents so much He zapped a mountain into place in the shape of their faces. See who's failing to educate their children now, Japan!

George Washington

Jobs: 1st President, Tree Service Supervisor, Teeth Model

Nicknames: Ol' Buckethead, Ol' Creakyknees, Ol' Dragon Breath, His Royal Fartness, D.C., John Adams

Value: $1.25

Favorite Color: Plaid

Favorite Book: Chicken Soup for the PreTeen Soul

Important Accomplishments: Created America, Killed Witches, Named the Mississippi, Licked Alexander Hamilton's Wig, Drank the Delaware River, Hands Out Autographed Dollar Bills to Fans

Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, wanna try and erect the Washington Monument?"

Little Known Fact: Also had a wooden leg, a wooden elbow, and a wooden plate in his head

Hidden Talent: Playing the Spoons

Most Likely To: Spit Like a Llama

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Ill-tempered

Current Status: Dead

Thomas Jefferson

Jobs: 3rd or 4th President (One or the other), Dry-cleaner,

Nicknames: Smartass, Qui-Gon Jinn, Father of Our Country (Literally, with the paternity tests to prove it)

Value: $2.05

Favorite Color: Chartreuse
Favorite Book: Who Moved My Cheese?

Important Accomplishments: Bought Louisiana from the French while leaving them with France, Cracked the Liberty Bell and blamed it on that stupid John Hancock, Freed Sally Hemings- to come into his bedroom, that is!, Moved on up

Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, wanna see the Declaration of In-ta-my-pants?"

Little Known Fact: Was a notorious bad tipper
Hidden Talent: Macrame

Most Likely To: Hold these truths self-evident

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Really annoying

Current Status: Still living, hiding in Argentina

Benjamin Franklin

Jobs: 7th or 8th or 9th President, Electrical Conductor, Snake Cutter

Nicknames: Poor Richard, Poorer Dick, Mr. Funbags, L'oeuff grande
Value: $100.00

Favorite Color: Turkey
Favorite Book: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Important Accomplishments: Invented lightening, Invented X-ray specs, Invented paper, Invented the car, Invented the day planner, Invented gravy, Walked around Philadelphia talking in a fake accent and creeping people out
Famous Quote: "Dude! That lightening shit is da bomb!"

Little Known Fact: Was not only a member of Hair Club for Men, but was the OWNER
Hidden Talent: Stuffing cats in his pants

Most Likely To: Rupture a hernia and bleed out

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Starring in a remake of "Cannonball Run"

Current Status: Living Dead

John Quincy Adams

Jobs: 7th or 8th or 9th President, whichever one Benjamin Franklin wasn't, Dog-trainer, Horse Whisperer, All-about Cad

Nicknames: Quince, Quince-man, Quincerino, the Q, Pruneface, Whizzlehergerberg, Anthony Hopkins
Value: $o
Favorite Color: Heliotrope
Favorite Book: Green Eggs and Ham
Important Accomplishments: Made it through school with the name "Quincy", named the state of Quincetucky after himself (later changed to Kansas), found the creamy filling in Dolly Madison's treats, invented Beanie Babies but didn't keep up the patent, Acted as the country's first medical examiner, Was blinded with science
Famous Quote: "DAD! I WANNA BE PRESIDENT NOOOOOW!!"

Little Known Fact: Was the inspiration for the Terminator cyborg in the Terminator films
Hidden Talent: None

Most Likely To: Be Mistaken for James Monroe

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Trying to sell you insurance

Current Status: Unknown

Abraham Lincoln

Jobs: 15th or 16th President, Real-estate salesman, Pro Basketball Player (Canadian League)

Nicknames: Mr. Mary Todd Lincoln, Pork n' Beans, Long Hat, Honest Abe (until he entered politics), Winkin' Blinkin' Lincoln
Value: $5.01
Favorite Color: Black

Favorite Book: Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret

Important Accomplishments: Filled the empty space opposite George Washington above the chalkboard, Was the original moody "Goth", Wrote over 700 songs, including "Moon River", "Indian Love Call", and "Horse With No Name", and ONLY SAVED THE FREAKIN' COUNTRY FROM DESTROYING ITSELF, YOU STUPID FOOL!!! And could eat glass.

Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, meet me in the Lincoln Bedroom."

Little Known Fact: Didn't know the Gettysburg Address without looking it up in the phone book
Hidden Talent: Weeping

Most Likely To: Dislike live theater

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Screaming and clawing at the inside of his casket

Current Status: Performing at Disneyland

Questions for Reflection

1. What makes a great president? Why haven't we had any?

2. Which of the current presidential candidates was more likely as a child to have met Abraham Lincoln?

3. What's so bad about Chester Arthur?

4. Did George Washington really sleep here? Discuss.

5. If a new face was added to Mt. Rushmore, should it be another dumb president, or should it be someone way more cool, like an actor or a football player?

6. Seriously, what is up with Benjamin Franklin's eyes?

7. Did you know that you can rearrange the letters in "George Washington" to spell "Who Negates Gringo"? Also "Agree Owning Thongs"? Also "A Greenish Gown Got"? Also"A Estrogen Hog Wing"? What does all this mean?!

8. Name 10 things you could have been doing that could have made America a better place during the time it took you to read this blog. Reread your list and feel guilty about it.

Reviews of the Ignorant: Financial Disaster Edition

Ok, so as banks disintegrate around us like the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi and my house is now valued at approximately two cans of green beans (generic, at that) and fifty-two ketchup packets and people begin to wipe their butts with dollar bills because the toilet paper is worth too much, I began to think about money. Considering that I am rapidly approaching middle-age, it may be too late to begin to think about money, but, since so much of our money is gonna be used to prop up banks that wouldn't have given me and you loans even when they were loaning it out to hobos, I couldn't help to think about it. Plus, the TV told me to think about it. And we should always do what the TV says to do (unless it starts telling you to kill your bail bondsman- some of us had to learn the hard way that even the TV can lie about things like that). Well, it didn't take me too long to think about all the money I had (estimated at $24.17), so then I began to think about other people's money. It was about this time that my wife started screaming, telling me to stop thinking about other people's money and go make some of my own so that we don't have to eat Ramen noodles for the 8th night in a row. Well, you know, it's like I always tell her, priorities, baby. Some of us are doers, some of us are thinkers, and some of us just think about doo. And I put myself squishily in the last category.

Anyhow, seeing all the portfolio decreasing turmoil and asset plunging tumult going on in the financial industry doesn't worry me too much; to be part of the financial industry requires two things I don't have- finances and industry- and I don't have those in spades. Or clubs. Or hearts. So I stand to be less hard hit than some by the Greater Depression that seems to be developing. In fact, I actually owe my bank $57 in NSF fees, so if it goes under, I actually stand to make a profit. (Take that, Mr. Financial Planner! You laughed when I told you my retirement planning consisted of buying scratch-off lottery tickets, but who's laughing now, eh, Mr. MBA-hole?) Which brings me to the biggest box-office bombs of all times. Now, by using both the scientific and the rhythm method, I have come to the academic conclusion that these films bombed because no one saw them. And, when I say no one, I am including myself. Since the mission of this blog is to review films I have never seen and to express opinions about things which I have no knowledge, these cinematic turkeys are perfect for posting. Without further ado-doo, I bring you brief reviews of the Ten Biggest Money Losing Films of All Times That I Have Never Seen Based on Total Loss of Accumulated World-Wide Gross (or, as we in the blog business like to call it, TBMLFoATTIHNSBoTLoAWWG for short).

(And, before I go on, a brief note about sources: I found this on some web site on the Internets. I can't remember the web site now, but, honestly, what do you really care? They all look the same anyhow. And, since it was on the Internets, I know it to be true. Unlike the TV, which sometimes says bad things, the Internets is a haven of truth, honesty, beauty, authenticity, and free Viagra. Oh yeah, and porn.)

Numero 10-o: Windtalkers (Loss of over $76 million)

What is this film about? Who knows? No one saw it! My assumption is that it is a lovely coming of age story about boys who meet in the woods and have farting contests. Kinda like "Stand by Me", only sucky. The only kind of talking I would want to hear with this flick is someone talking me out of seeing it. It looks like Nicolas Cage, who makes such good choices in both career and baby names, starred in it. Maybe someone should ask Nicolas Cage (nicely now...no reason to humiliate the guy) to give back all the money he has been paid for every film he was in after 1992 so that the poor execs at AIG can continue to live the lifestyle they have become accustomed to. On second thought, why not just throw the whole bunch of them to the wolves.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Stealing the Ronald McDonald House coin box so you can get a case of Pepsi Maxx on sale at Walmart

Numero Nine-o: The Sound of Thunder (Loss of $77 million)

What the hell is this movie? Has anyone who didn't star in it ever even heard of it? I honestly didn't even think this was a real movie, so I turned to my dedicated research crew (including Lefty and Righty and the IMDB) to even see if it existed. Sure enough, it does. Something about prehistoric times altering the future. To which the only correct response is "Please, Merciful Jesus, make it stop." Sounds way too close to that cinematic turd The Butterfly Effect to me, although, in this case, the effect of the butterfly was definitely financially louder than the sound of thunder. This is not so much a movie as a philosophical puzzle: If The Sound of Thunder is made and nobody is around to see or hear it, does it make a sound? Starring a cast of nobody supported by Sir Ben Kingsley, the other question raised by this film is what in the name of blue-blazing hell did the filmmakers spend over $77 million dollars on? My assumption would be cocaine, because there is no way it went into the movie.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Cashing out your 401K to buy a used Nintendo DS

Numero Eight-o: The Alamo (Loss of over $80 million)

Remember it? No thanks. Jason Patrick stars as David Bowie, Dennis Quaid is Ziggy Stardust, Billy Bob Thornton is Crockett and Patrick Wilson is Tubbs. When it comes to filmed representations of the Alamo, I prefer the one where OJ Simpson runs through the airport. Those commercials were a cut above the rest, just bleeding comedy; in fact, you would never know where they would be headed.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Moving Your Retirement Fund into Enron Stock

Numero Seven-ito: Sahara (Loss of over $84 million)

So I assumed this was the same thing as Ishtar, but, apparently, its not. Starring Matthew McConaughey on the bongos and Penelope Cruz in a tank-top (So it's not Jennifer Connelly, but its a definite positive in a film so negative it makes my savings account look like a good investment), this is a heart-warming nature film, showing the harsh survival of many organisms as well as William H. Macy in the roughest climates of the world. Of course, no matter how distracted the audience may be by Ms. Cruz's tank top, we'll soon realize it is a mirage, an oasis in a sandstorm. This film may also be known for its controversial staged scenes of mass lemming death. Since real lemmings do not plunge to their deaths (and, although I am no Marlin Perkins- heck, I'm not even Perkins Pancakes- I also don't think lemmings are native to the desert. Of course, the last time I was in the desert, I was so whacked out on peyote that a group of cacti started singing to me and I married a coyote at a Vegas Wedding chapel, so there may have been lemmings there; I just may have thought they were Cocker Spaniels)...Where was I? Oh, yeah- since real lemmings do not plunge to their deaths in mass suicide, the scenes in this film that depict this were later revealed to be staged, nothing more than Matthew McConaughey throwing slippers at the crew.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Putting Your Kid's College Fund on Fay's Bray to Win

Numero- Six-o: Evan Almighty (Loss of over $88 million)

Almighty crappy, alright. This film so angered God that he smite it's box office grosses and issued His 3 Commandments of Bad Films: I. Thou Shalt Not Waste Time on This Garbage, II. Thou Shalt Forgive Morgan Freeman, for he knows not what he hath done, and he was in The Shawshank Redemption not to mention "The Electric Company", so cut him some slack already and III. Thou Shalt Not Laugh At Poop Jokes In A PG-13 Rated Movie. Would I recommend this junk? Noah way.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Adding the Church of Scientology on your joint checking account

Numero Five-o: The 13th Warrior (Loss of over $94 million)

Nope, didn't see the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, or 12th Warrior, how can I be expected to jump right in at #13? Starring Antonio Badass as Anton Chigurh, this film proves its luck by actually making only $13.00 (Antonio took Melanie Griffith for a date at a $6.50 Sunday Matinee). What's it about? 12 warriors find a girl in the woods, then bring her back to their cottage, where an evil queen disguises herself as an old woman and poisons the girl and the warriors with an apple. It's up to the littlest warrior, #13, to kiss all 12 warriors and the girl in order to save them from eternal sleep. The movie was brought to a standstill when Warrior 13 got to Warrior 8 and proceed to sloppily make out with him for the next seventy minutes, totally forgetting Warriors 1-7 as well as the girl. What does it matter? It doesn't. It sucks.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Trading your cramped little Prius for a roomy Hummer

Numero Four-o: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (Loss of over $95 million)

Ok, now, don't be ridiculous. This is a family blog, so I can't really go into details on this one. Needless to say, you can order it yourself from On Demand Channel 504 for $11.99, or download it as a double-feature with "A Night In Paris". Pervert.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Investing in anything Internet related that doesn't have the name "Google" somewhere connected to it (Of course, this blog is hosted on Blogspot, which is a Google company, which means you are sure to become a multi-bazillionaire by sending me money at the email address listed in my profile. Seriously. And pass it on to 10 of your friends to send me money, too. In fact, if you don't, Jesus will come to your house and break your arms.)

Numero Three-o: The Adventures of Pluto Nash (Loss of Over $96 million)

With a great title like that, how could it go wrong! Just reading that title makes me want to rent the DVD...so that I can break it in half with my bare hands like a ninja protecting the world from evil. That sound you hear is an American Indian crying for the trash that has been made of Eddie Murphy's career. I'm assuming that the plot synopsis goes something like this: Eddie Murphy plays a cartoon dog who buys a classic car and then has a series of comic misadventures while traveling cross-country, ending in him discovering that family is what is truly important in life. Randy Quaid co-stars as Cousin Eddie. As a sequel to the beloved Christmas classic, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Pluto Nash is running on empty. Anyone who watches this Pluto would have to be Goofy.

My Financial Disaster Rating: EuroDisney!

Numero Duo: Stealth (Loss of over $99 million)

A movie so secret, no one saw it! This pinnacle of puke stars the beauty of Jessica Biel, Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles (with a decidedly sick attempt at humor as he flies an airplane), No One, and No One Else. It has now become known, through the Freedom of Information Act (Both Acts 1 and 2, as well as the Intermission), that this was not even a movie, but an attempt by the neocons to trick the American public into financing a disastrously expensive, flawed airplane program that, in the end, sent Jaime Foxx's career down in flames somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan. Tragically, director Rob Cohen survived to direct Mummy, 1-47, including the most recent film, where Brendan Fraiser is actually older than the Mummy. Bombs away!

My Financial Disaster Rating: Investing your life savings in Beanie Babies

And, finally, finally, FINALLY...

Numero Uno: Town & Country (Loss of almost $100 million)

And I told my wife that the leather trim and those alloy-look wheel coversjust weren't worth it, that the Dodge Caravan was just perfectly fine. Oh well, it has to be better than being seen in a Pluto Nash.

My Financial Disaster Rating: A Third Term for George W. Bush

Well, that concludes my reviews of the Top 10 Money Losing Films of all times based on total dollar loss. Now I guess I had better go see what my wife has been screaming about. I mean, how else was I supposed to finish this blog post if I didn't call off work? She really needs to understand what is important in life. It's not like the electric bill is past due or that...what, honey? What? It is past due, and there are guys out back turning it off right now? Oh sh

Comes in, because, the international hearing tries to occupy*

So I have noticed that our readership has recent decreased from 1 to 0. Even with my limited public education math skills, I know that this is a decrease of 100%, and 100% is quite a lot. In fact, I never thought that my blog would have 100% anything, at least not without cheating off of the blog next to it (and, considering that the blog next to it is 'Hot Asian Cuties', I don't know that cheating off of it is necessarily a good idea- like cheating off of the stoner in the back row who shows up once a quarter just because he got so stoned, he forgot to run when the truant officer came knocking). So, basically, 100% is a lot. So, after consulting with a panel of experts (including such well respected individuals as myself and my dog; my wife was at the grocery store at the time and, therefore, forfeited her vote, as well as any consulting fee), I decided that this 100% drop was not based on the fact that nothing new has been posted here since April, but more so because, despite the best effort of Google to translate this thing, the Frog Blog just doesn't appeal to the international audience. Therefore, in a cheap attempt at attracting more traffic to this dusty space, I will now post this paragraph in numerous languages, a virtual tour of the International Internets, or, as the French would say, "autour de mon épouse". At least, that's what my translating program says is "around the world". With no further ado, I now turn the Frog Blog into the UN of film criticism, where Jennifer Connelly acts as Secretary General and never a star is given.

First, Spanish:

He notado tan que nuestro número total de lectores tiene reciente disminuido a partir de la 1 a 0. Incluso con mis habilidades limitadas de la matemáticas de la enseñanza pública, sé que ésta es una disminución de 100%, y 100% estoy bastante. De hecho, nunca pensé que mi blog tendría 100% cualquier cosa, por lo menos no sin el engaño apagado del blog al lado de él (y, considerando que el blog al lado de él es ' Asiático caliente Cuties' , I don' t sabe que el engaño apagado de él es necesariamente una buena idea como el engaño apagado de la deshuesadora en la fila trasera que aparece una vez un cuarto apenas porque él consiguió así que empedró, él olvidó funcionar cuando vino el oficial del truant golpeando). Así pues, básicamente, 100% está mucho. Así pues, después de consultar con un grupo de expertos (tales incluyendo pozo - individuos respetados como mismo y mi perro; mi esposa estaba en el colmado en ese entonces y, por lo tanto, perdido su voto, así como cualquier honorario asesor), decidía que esta gota del 100% no fue basada en el hecho que nada nuevo se ha fijado aquí desde abril, pero más tan porque, a pesar de el mejor esfuerzo de Google para traducir esta cosa, el blog apenas doesn' de la rana; súplica de t a la audiencia internacional. Por lo tanto, en una tentativa barata en la atracción de más tráfico a este espacio polvoriento, ahora fijaré este párrafo en idiomas numerosas, un viaje virtual de los Internet internacionales, o, como el francés diría, " épouse" de autour de lunes;. O, por lo menos, that' s qué mi programa que traduce dice es " en todo el mundo ". Sin dificultad adicional, ahora doy vuelta al blog de la rana en la O.N.U de las críticas de la película, donde actúa Jennifer Connelly mientras que nunca dan el secretario general y una estrella.

Now, with a few clicks of my mouse, let us invite our French cousins to break baguette with us by translating the above paragraph into French:

J'ai remarqué tellement que notre nombre total de lecteurs a handicapé récent à partir de la 1 à à 0. Même avec mes habilités limitées de de ce qui est mathématiques de l'enseignement public, je sais que celle-ci est une diminution de de 100%, et 100% je suis assez. De fait, je n'ai jamais pensé que mon blog aurait 100% toute chose, au moins non sans la tromperie éteinte du blog à côté de lui (et, en considérant que le blog à côté de lui est ' ; Asiatique il réchauffe Cuties' ; , I don' ; t sait que la tromperie éteinte de de lui est nécessairement une bonne idée comme la tromperie éteinte du dénoyauteur dans la file arrière qui apparaît une fois une place à peine parce qu'il a obtenu ainsi qu'empedró, il a oublié fonctionner quand est venu le fonctionnaire du truant frapper). Par conséquent, principalement, 100% est beaucoup. Par conséquent, après avoir consulté un groupe d'experts (tels en incluant puits - individus respectés comme même et mon chien ; mon conjoint était dans celui comblé dans celui-là alors et, par conséquent, perdu son vote, ainsi que tous honoraires consultatifs), décidaient que cette baisse de de 100% n'a pas été basée le fait qui nage nouveau s'est ici fixé depuis avril, mais plus tellement parce que, malgré le meilleur effort de Google pour traduire cette chose, le blog à peine doesn' ; de la grenouille ; requ7te de t à l'audition internationale. Par conséquent, dans une tentative bon marché dans l'attraction de davantage de trafic à cet espace poussiéreux, je fixerai maintenant ce paragraphe dans des langues nombreuses, un voyage virtuel de l'Internet internationaux, ou, comme le français il dirait, " ; épouse" ; d'autour de lundi ;. OU, au moins, that' ; s ce que mon programme qu'il traduit dit est " ; partout dans le monde " ;. Sans difficulté additionnelle, je donne maintenant retour au blog de la grenouille dans l'O.N.U des critiques du film, où agit Jennifer Connelly tandis que ne donnent jamais le secrétaire général et une étoile.

In the interest of world peace, as well as desperation for blog hits, let us now try Russian:

J' замечено так много что наш полный число читателей имеет недавнюю с ограниченными возможностями персону от 1 с до 0. Даже при мои способности ограничиваемые что математически l' государственное образование, я знаю что это одно уменьшение 100%, и 100% я достаточно. В действительности, I n' всегда подумал что мой блог будет иметь 100% любая вещь, хотя бы не без потухшего очковтирательства блога около его (и, путем рассмотрение что блог около его ' ; Азиат он нагрюет Cuties' ; , I don' ; T знает что потухшее очковтирательство к ему обязательно хорошая идея как потухшее очковтирательство denoyautor в комплекте предшествующих номеров который появляется parce qu' места раз едва ли; он получил qu' таким образом; empedró, он забыл действовать когда пришел государственный служащий от truant, котор нужно поразить). Следовательно, главным образом, 100% много. Следовательно, позже советующ с d' группа; специалисты (такие путем включать наилучшим образом - индивидуалов уважаемых как такие же и моя собака; мое супруг находилось в том заполненном внутри что одно после этого и впоследствии потеряло свой вотум, как все комиссионные за консультацию и совет), решило что это падение 100% n' факт не был основан который плавает новое s' фиксирует здесь с Эйприл, но так много потому что, несмотря на самое лучшее усилие Google перевести эту вещь, блог едва ли doesn' ; лягушка; requ7te t к l' международный слух. Следовательно, в дешевой попытке в l' привлекательность больше движения к этому пылевоздушному космосу, я теперь зафиксирую этот параграф в много языков, фактически рейс l' International интернета, или, как франчуз оно сказал бы, " ; épouse" ; d' вокруг понедельник;. ИЛИ, хотя бы, that' ; S что моя программа qu' оно переводит как " ; везде в мире " ;. Без дополнительного затруднения, я теперь даю для того чтобы возвратить к лягушке блога в l' O.N.U критиков пленки, где Дженнифер Connelly действует пока никогда не давайте генеральный секретарь и звезду.

Now, although they started two (count 'em) World Wars, we can still offer to lift a stein to our German brothers and sisters:

J' beachtet soviel, dass unser komplettes die Zahl Lesern neues mit der begrenzten Möglichkeitperson von 1 s bis 0. sogar mit meinen Fähigkeiten hat, begrenzte das mathematisch von l' Unterrichtswesen, weiß ich, dass diese eine Abnahme um 100% und 100% ich genügend sind. In der Wirklichkeit I n' dachte immer, dass mein [Blog] 100% jede mögliche Sache hat, mindestens nicht ohne ausgestorbenen Betrug [bloga] nahe ihm (und, durch Weise die Prüfung der von [Blog] nahe seinem ' ; Asiatisch es [nagryuet] Cuties' ; , I don' ; T kennt diesen ausgestorbenen Betrug zu ihm obligatorisch eine gute Idee als ausgestorbener Betrug von denoyautor im kompletten Satz der vorhergehenden Zahlen, die er parce von qu' aussieht; der Ort von Zeiten kaum; er erreichte qu' so; empedró, vergaß er, als zu fungieren es Zivilmittel vom Truant ankam, es war, welches notwendige zu schlagen). Infolgedessen 100% hauptsächlich ist es viel. Infolgedessen ist es später als [sovetuyushch] von d' Gruppe; Fachleute (so durch Weise, auf die beste Art einzuschließen - Einzelpersonen respektiert als die selben und mein Hund; mein Ehemann war in dem gefülltes Innere, das eins, nachdem dieses und nachher verloren seiner Abstimmung, als alle Beratungsgebühr), dass dieser Tropfen 100% n' löste; Tatsache basierte nicht, der es neues s' schwimmt; sie regelt hier mit April, aber also ist viel weil, trotz der Bemühung von Google besser, diese Sache kaum zu bringen, [Blog] doesn' ; Frosch; requ7te t bis l' internationales Gerücht. Infolgedessen im preiswerten Versuch in l' Reiz ist mehr, als Bewegung zu diesem staubigen Raum, ich jetzt diesen Punkt in viele Sprachen, wirklich die Reise von l' regelt; International des Internets oder als [franchuz] es würde, " sagen; ; épouse" ; d' ganz um Montag;. ODER mindestens that' ; S dieses mein Programm von qu' es bringt als " ; überall im Welt" ;. Ohne die zusätzliche Schwierigkeit gebe ich jetzt, um zum Frosch von [bloga] in l' zurückzukommen; O.N.U der Kritiker des Filmes, in dem durch Jennifer Connelly Taten bis jetzt nie Generalsekretärstern geben.

And since, I'm sure, very shortly, they will probably own this blog, or at least be producing a knock-off version of it, we, like the Olympics, will face east to our Chinese friends:

J' 著名一样我們的有完全數字讀者新以從1 s的有限的可能性人到0。甚而與我的能力的事實從l'數學上限制了; 我知道教育這些在100%和100% I.附近是充足的減退。 在現實中我n' 總是認為我[博克] 100%有每件可能的事，不至少，不用成為的绝種欺騙[bloga]關閉它(和，由方式[博克]關閉的考試它的' ; 亞洲人它[nagryuet] Cuties' ; I don' ; T知道這成為绝種欺騙對它必須一個好想法作为denoyautor成為的绝種欺騙在先的數字的完整集的，他qu' parce; 看; 堅硬时期地方; 它到達了qu' 如此; empedró，他，起作用它何時到達了玩忽職守者的民用手段，忘記它是觸擊，必要)。 结果100%主要是它。 结果從d'比[sovetuyushch];; 小組; 專家(如此由方式包括在最佳的種類-作為同樣和我的狗的個體尊敬; 我的丈夫是由于作為這下落100% n'的所有咨询费被填裝裡面，團結，在和它之後失去了這它的选票之後); 解決; 事實未根據，那它新的s' 游泳; 它調控這裡與4月，但是因而是，因為，儘管googles努力更好，這件事幾乎不帶來， [博克] doesn' ; 青蛙; requ7te t到l' 國際謠言。 结果在l'的低廉嘗試; 吸引力比對這個多灰塵的區域的運動現在是更多， I這點入許多語言，真正地旅途l' 調控; 國際互聯網或作为[franchuz]它，一" 說; ; épouse" ; d' 完全地在星期一附近;。 或者至少that' ; qu'這個我的節目S; 它帶來作為" ; 到處在Welt" ;。 沒有另外的困難我給，現在青蛙[bloga]在l' 返回; 影片的評論家的O.N.U，由詹尼弗・ Connelly行動到現在不要給秘書長星。

And, finally, since it is always good to come back home again, we'll jam that paragraph through one more translation, back to English:

J' Renowned we have the complete digital reader equally newly by from 1 s limited possible person to 0. Even and my ability fact from l' In mathematics limited; I knew that educates these nearby 100% and 100% I. is the sufficient decrease. In reality my n' Always thought that I [Bork] 100% have each possible matter, not at least, does not need into to become extinct deceives [bloga] to close it (and, [Bork] closes by the way takes a test its ' ; Asian it [nagryuet] Cuties' ; I don' ; T knew that this becomes becomes extinct the deceit to a good idea become to it as denoyautor becomes extinct the deceit in the first digital complete collection, his qu' parce; Looking at; Hard time place; It arrived at qu' So; empedró, did he, when have an effect it to arrive at the being derelict civil method, forgot that it was strikes, necessity). The result 100% are mainly it. Result from d' Compared to [sovetuyushch]; ; Group; The expert (so including - takes same and my dog's individual respect by the way in the best type; My husband is because takes this whereabouts 100% n' Inside all consultation spend are filled, unity, in has lost this its ballot afterward after it); Solution; The fact has not acted according to, then its new s' Swimming; It regulates here with April, but therefore is, because, although googles is diligently better, this matter does not bring nearly, [Bork] doesn' ; Frog; requ7te t to l' International rumor. Result in l' Inexpensive attempt; The attraction compared to this dust's region's movement now is more, I this enters many languages, truly journey l' Regulation; The internet or takes [franchuz] it, " Saying; ; épouse" ; d' Completely nearby Monday; . Or at least that' ; qu' This my program S; It brings takes " ; Everywhere in Welt" ; . Other difficulty I have not given, now frog [bloga] in l' Returns; Movie critic's O.N.U, moves from Jennifer Connelly to the present do not give secretary the comet.

Ah, if that is not poetry existing in international harmony, I don't know what is. It's a small world after all. I think this goes for once and for all to prove the one universal fact: "Jennifer Connelly" in any language, translates as "amazingly gorgeous".

As I always say, "Tuna whacks over spotted orange meat on [Bork Bork]".

Until we meet again in three months or so, arrivederci!

*The title was originally "The entry in which I attempt to appeal to an international audience" translated into Spanish then French then German then back to English then to Chinese then back to English, quite effectively, I might add, if I may say so myself.

Recipes of the Ignorant

It has been brought to my attention (by a hideously obese person, none-the-less) that many of you are becoming hungry while waiting for a new post to appear on this blog. Fear not, hungry eyes, the Frog Blog will come to your recipe with a variety of quick and easy to prepare (if not to digest) recipes:

Bagel with Mayonnaise

Take one bagel (if you do not have a bagel, a doughnut will work. If you do not have a doughnut, a piece of bread with the corners cut off and a hole punched in the middle will work. If you do not have a piece of bread, God bless you). Take a jar (or a tub, or a squeeze tube, or 3 packets stolen from Subway) of mayonnaise. Squeeze the mayonnaise on the bagel and smear it around. Eat.

This easy and economical recipe has the benefit of looking a little like cream cheese on a bagel, especially if you close your eyes and swallow it fast without chewing. If you want to simulate lox, pick up a couple of feeder goldfish from your local pet store (usually 10 cents or less) and slap them on top of the mayonnaise.

Bagel with Chips

Take one bagel. Spread something sticky on it, such as butter or butter-flavor Crisco or canned cake icing or whatever sticky substance you have available (NOT SOAP!). Take a handful of chips and crunch them up. Sprinkle this on the bagel. Eat.

Try your own combinations and become, as the French say, le gourmet. Corn chips and salsa on a bagel, potato chips and French Onion Dip on a bagel, cereal and maple syrup on a bagel; the combinations are endless. Make a large batch of the best combinations and share with the seniors at the local home.

Bagel with bagel

This is a little slice of delicious I like to call "Bagel on Bagel action". Take one bagel. Open it (CAREFUL! KNIVES MAY HAVE POINTY EDGES!) Take a second bagel. Put it inside the first. Close the bagel. Eat.

If one bagel is good, two bagels are bageltacular!

Bagel with beer

Find a container (plug up the sink if nothing else is available). Set your bagel in the container. Pour as much beer as it takes to cover the bagel. Allow to sit until you can no longer stand it. Eat the bagel, with a fork or a spoon if you want to demonstrate manners. Drink the beer, enjoying the little bits of bagels floating in it.

For this recipe, might I suggest a fine 2007 Old Milwaukee. Dig all the way to the back of the 'fridge and you may find one.

Jennifer Connelly with butter sauce

Locate a picture of Jennifer Connelly on the Internets. Print this picture. Smear butter on the picture. Lick the picture until the ink stains your tongue or you wear a hole in your cheap, Office Max paper. Repeat as necessary.

Soup

Locate a can of soup. Open (This can be trickier than it sounds. You may need to bash it against something if no can opener is available. If necessary, you can punch a hole in the can with a screwdriver and suck the soup out. Firearms should only be used as a last resort or if really bored.) Drink the soup. If it is really thick or you want seconds, drink only half the can of soup, add some water, then resume drinking.

Watch your soup choices. If that girl in the park that you want to impress sees you sucking "Dora the Explorer" noodle soup out of a hole you punched in the side of a soup can, you may not get to first base. Instead, choose something that sounds fancy, like Long Grain Risotto. Likewise, if your parents are coming over, impress them with a nice can of Chunky Vegetable. Don't cheap out with Cream of Mushroom- save this to give to the old people during your annual visit to the local home (and, with no teeth, Cream of Mushroom slides down the throat with minimal gum-slapping).

Cake Mix Milkshake

So, you are more thirsty than hungry? Try this scrumptious sweet treat!

Take one box of cake mix. Pour some water into it. Shake well. Drink, straight from the box if no other container is available. (But be fast! Cardboard leaks.) If it is too thick, get a spoon and pretend like it is an upscale milkshake.

Try other liquid combinations. Milk and chocolate cake mix makes a delicious Oreo shake. Beer and German Chocolate mix is an Oktoberfest tradition. Orange juice and carrot cake mix is a favorite of the Oompa Loompas. And Red Velvet mix and a Bloody Mary is a sinful way to drink a cake mix milkshake like the wealthy.

Bouillabaise a la Sauce Rouille*
*on a bagel

Stew ingredients:3 pounds of at least 3 different kinds of fish fillets, fresh or quick frozen (thaw first)1/2 cup Olive oil1-2 pounds of Oysters, clams, or mussels1 cup cooked shrimp, crab, or lobster meat, or rock lobster tails1 cup thinly sliced onions4 Shallots, thinly sliced OR the white parts of 2 or 3 leeks, thinly sliced2 cloves garlic, crushed1 large tomato, chopped, or 1/2 cup canned tomatoes1 sweet red pepper, chopped4 stalks celery, thinly sliced2-inch slice of fennel or 1 Tbsp teaspoon of fennel seed3 sprigs fresh thyme or 3/4 teaspoon dried thyme1 bay leaf2-3 whole cloves Zest of half an orange1/2 teaspoon powdered saffron2 teaspoons salt1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper1 cup clam juice or fish broth2 Tbps lemon juice 2/3 cup white wine Sliced French bread
1 Heat 1/4 cup of the olive oil in a large (6-qt) saucepan. When it is hot, add onions and shallots (or leeks). Saute for a minute, then add crushed garlic (more or less to taste), and sweet red pepper. Add tomato, celery, and fennel. Stir the vegetables into the oil with a wooden spoon until well coated. Then add another 1/4 cup of olive oil, thyme, bay leaf, cloves and the orange zest. Cook until the onion is soft and golden but not brown.
2 Cut fish fillets into 2-inch pieces. Add the pieces of fish and 2 cups of water to the vegetable mixture. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer, uncovered, for about 10 minutes. Add oysters, clams or mussels (though these may be omitted if desired) and shrimp, crab meat or lobster tails, cut into pieces or left whole.
3 Add saffron, salt, pepper. Add clam juice, lemon juice, and white wine. Bring to a simmer again and cook about 5 minutes longer.
4 At serving time taste and correct the seasoning of the broth, adding a little more salt or pepper if need be, and maybe a touch of lemon juice. Into each soup bowl place a thick slice of crusty French bread, plain or slightly toasted. Spoon the bouillabaisse over the bread. If desired, serve with Sauce Rouille. Serves 6.

To prepare the Sauce Rouille:

1 Tbsp hot fish stock or clam broth.2 cloves peeled garlic1 small red hot pepper1/2 teaspoon salt1/4 cup soft white bread, pulled into bits1/2 cup olive oil
Put hot fish stock or clam broth into the bottom of a blender. Add garlic and red hot pepper, salt and bread. Blend until very smooth. With the blender still running, add olive oil slowly and stop the blending as soon as the oil disappears.
At serving time pass Rouille in a little bowl along with the bouillabaisse. Each serving is about 1/2 a teaspoon that you stir into your soup.

Finally, dump the whole damn mess on a bagel.

Pizza

Call a pizza place. Order a pizza. Wait. When it arrives, pay quick and slam the door to avoid giving the delivery guy a tip. Eat out of the box. If any extra remains, you may later pry it from the box (a little cardboard stuck to the cheese only adds additional fiber) the next morning.

If entertainment is desired while eating, call about 10 other pizza places and have them delivered to the neighbor's house. Watch this out of the peephole while eating your pizza.


Hopefully, these delicious recipes will tide you over while you wait with baited breath (or, if you are eating lox, with bait breath) until I post my next movie post, which is coming soon. And, of course, by soon, I mean within the next six to nine months.

And, if you are still hungry, you may always try this. If you do, May God Have Mercy on Your Soul.

Reviews of the Ignorant: Thanking the Academy Edition

Well, here we are folks, back for the 1st Annual 2008 Academy Awards ignorant review. I'd like to thank the dancing Snow Whites for that beautiful musical number based on the score for "3:10 to Yuma" (Yuma? Ima. Ima. Uma.). Considering that I have not seen any of the best picture nominees, or any of the nominees for best actor, best actress, best supporting actor, best supporting actress, or best director (not to mention best art direction, best costume design, best foreign language film, or best short live action or animated, or best adapted screenplay), I feel I am particularly ignorant in my comments on the upcoming awards ceremony. (I will mention that I do have a solid pick in sound editing, which would be a film sadly overlooked for best picture, or at least best picture based on a line of toys: "Transformers". Those "whrrrr-rrrr-rrreet!" sounds of the robots changing into GM vehicles make this a shoe-in. If there was a category for best ass-kicking robots, I think we all know what film's name would be in that envelope.) However, I sit down to write this with a heavy heart. This is not only due to the fact that I just ate an entire bowl of Bac-O's covered in blue cheese dressing. It is also because, well, when it comes to these awards, no real person outside of LA or parts of New York, including me, really cares.

Now don't get me wrong, here. I know, I know, ABC has told us again and again that this is the most important thing on television in the month of February, and we should all be grateful that the writer's strike has ended so that we can again hear excruciatingly lame jokes while dozing off to excruciatingly boring acceptance speeches. In fact, if you go to the "Official" website, you can see that you only have to wait 2 days 19:19:54 (...now 52...now 47...) before your dull, grey life is visited by the gold-plated Ken doll of filmatic honor. And I appreciate a great film, which, of course, I define as having one or more of the following: 1) running time of less than 90 minutes, B) explosions, robots, and/or exploding robots, III) Jennifer Connelly, 4th) the ability to transport you and teach you to see something in your own life differently. And there are a lot of great films that have that. Heck, some of the films nominated for an Oscar may even have one or more of these things (although I, shamefully, do not see a "Jennifer" + a "Connelly" listed anywhere. I'm going to assume this is just a result of the writer's strike preventing her name from being written.) So, yeah, run with it and honor them, Hollywood. More power to you.

I also understand the need, in the wet winter month between the Super Bowl and March Madness, to find something to, shall we say, place gentlemanly wagers on. I'm all for gentlemanly wagers. To assist with that, I have provided a comprehensive list of the guaranteed winners in the following post (and, of course, by 'guaranteed' I mean 'not guaranteed'). So wager away, gentleman. Just save a few dollars for March.

No, my ennui, as they would say in "Les Mozart Des Pickpockets", one of the films nominated for Best Live Action Short Film, is based primarily on the self-importance of the whole thing. When it comes down to it, no one really cares about Best Swollen Forehead Visual Effect or Best Costume That Allows Boobs to Be Visible But Still Covered Enough for a PG-13 or even Best Picture. Life goes on. Yet we are told repeatedly by all media that this is equal to the war that I think is still going on in Iraq, even though I haven't seen any news on it for a few months, or the 2008 Presidential Election. We are provided with ballots to make our own picks, bombarded with dresses and "red carpet" critiques, even treated to a second by second countdown via the website (now 2 days, 19:01:35...32...28...) All of this is overkill, and relates very little to the real life of the people in flyover country.

Every quarter, my place of employment calls all employees who haven't called in sick that day down to the cafeteria where a few of our number are called up to the podium and recognized for some accomplishment or other (as in "Best Excuse for Calling in Sick" or "Most Creative Use of the Copier") While these employees don't get to give an acceptance speech (in fact, they usually just look embarrassed and kind of twitchy in their desire to sit back down) and they usually get a $5 coupon to Subway rather than a golden statue and not only does no one care what the other employees wore to work that day ("And here is Thompson from HR, looking stunning in a creative ensemble of a blue shirt and a pair of khakis"), the goal is no different than the goal of the Academy Awards. And, like the Academy Awards, no one really cares who gets recognized anyway. The difference between the Academy Awards and my work's Cafeteria Awards is that no one tries and pretends that the Cafeteria Awards are important. We understand it is just another lame attempt to get through another day without performing so poorly that there is no excuse not to fire us and force the company to try and find someone else who can pass a pee test. Yet we are told the Academy Awards are important, we should listen to the endless, masturbatory congratulations and half-informed political diatribes ("And I'd like to dedicate this statue to the people of Darfur. I understand you may have just had your hands and feet cut off, so here I stand, holding this for you. Stop the madness, world, stop the madness. And stop global warming, too."), we should follow with intense interest who is wearing what and walking with whom down the red carpet, even though there is little separating this awards ceremony and the slightly more greasy one held in the employee cafeteria. The Oscars are the "most important night in show biz". To that I respond as they would in the Best Animated Feature Film Nominee "Ratatouille" with a resounding "Bull-merde".

I'm going to send an email to ABC and let them know that the Cafeteria Awards at my work are usually around 1 pm on the first Thursday of the month, see if they can come out and broadcast it around the world. At the same time, I'll email the E! Network to let them know they may want to be there around 12:55, to catch all the excitement of the employees walking down the black, non-skid mat to find a seat where they are least likely to be seen dozing off. Watch your local listing for that.

Meanwhile, I was going to write an ignorant review for each of the best picture nominees, but I really don't have any interest in any of them any more than anyone has any interest in reading my blog about any of them, so, instead, I'm going to go through each of the top three categories and compare a leading nominee to a real-life equivalent, see who comes out on top. This should be fun. Or, if not fun, it at least should be long.

Race #1: Best Actress

Ellen Page in "Juno" vs Tamika Rollands in "Pregnant Teen"

Ellen Page is the adorable pregnant teen we all love as she struggles with hard decisions, including finding a family who will love and support her unborn child. This quirky comedy is a feel-good slice of life. Tamika Rollands is the despised pregnant teen who was raped at a house party by six of her brother's drug connections, thrown out of the house by her mother, has now dropped out of school, and is supporting herself through prostitution. This dirty tragedy is ended when Tamika is sliced across the face by a knife and left to die behind the swingset of a neighborhood park.

Winner: Ellen Page! Because we all know that the Academy Awards are the most important thing.
Loser: Tamika Rollands! No one likes an irresponsible teen who selfishly burdens the welfare system.

Race #2: Best Actor

George Clooney in "Michael Clayton" vs the town of White Top, WV in "Drinking Carcinogous Plastic"

Playing a corporate lawyer, the ever-charming George Clooney works hard to clean up dirty cases. But, when he realizes he may be playing for the wrong side, he sees how dirty his former corporate friends can be and finds his own life is on the line! This relevant and thought-provoking thriller will leave you on the edge of your seat! Meanwhile, in the dying mountain town of White Top, the only employer is a multi-billion dollar plastic manufacturer who, rather than pay hundreds of millions of dollars to properly dispose of carcinogous waste, is able to increase the bottom line by paying a few million dollar fine to the EPA every year and continue to dump the by-product into the Wanahatchee River, the only source of water for the town. Faced with the choice of destroying the primary source of income by driving the plastics manufacturer out of town (the CEO has already advised the City Council that, if any legal action is taken, the town of Hatchet Springs, about 50 miles north, has agreed to provide a 100 year tax abatement) or continuing to ingest water that has led to a cancer rate 200 times the national average, the town of White Top does the only thing they can do- they die! And their children die! And the executives of the plastics manufacturer drink only bottled water when they tour the plant once a year.

Winner: George Clooney! Because the Academy Awards are the most important night of the year!
Losers: The citizens of White Top, WV! Because they're dead AND soon to be unemployed when the plastics manufacturer moves the plant to Hatchet Springs anyhow. And they're still dead, because the carcinogenic waste stays in the water for 2000 years plus Hatchet Springs is upriver and it will still collect in the White Top reservoir. And no corporate lawyer will take the case anyway because the plaintiffs are both poor and dead.

Race #3: Best Picture

"No Country For Old Men" vs "Dead John Doe" vs "Unnamed Mexican Family"

What a thrilling three-way race! In the grand "No Country For Old Men", the Coens do it again, bringing stylized violence and intense storytelling to this tale of vengeance and danger in the drug traffic along the US-Mexican border. Filled with thrilling performances, stunning scenery, and an intense yet tranquil story, this film is the best Coen Brothers work in years! Dead John Doe is approximately 48 years old and, although his body is so badly decomposed when found lying in a ditch behind a public library that he cannot be identified, police will never learn the truth of his non-thrilling, non-stunning life. Living with a never-diagnosed schizophrenia, "John", or, as his mother called him when he was a boy, Steven DuChamp, started doing drugs when he was 14, selling them when he was 16, and was homeless and addicted by 17. Bouncing in and out of jail, including 2 years in prison for burglary, John ends up beaten and strangled by his own nephew as a result of a missing $20 bill from a drug sale. He's buried in a single grave at the county's expense along with two other unclaimed, unidentified bodies. Finally, Unnamed Mexican Family consists of a father, a mother, and four kids, including an infant of less than 9 months old, who, struggling to escape an oppressive government and non-existent opportunity in their native country, pay almost four months wages to two men who promise to get them to San Corina, California, where there are plenty of jobs picking strawberries for $1.20 an hour. Instead the men lock them in the back of a box truck for almost two days with no food or water during the hottest January on record with daily temperatures of almost 101 degrees. Finally, after two days of living hell, including witnessing the death of their baby, the family is released from the truck, where the father is promptly beaten and robbed and the mother repeatedly raped in front of her children by the men who were supposed to be helping them. The entire family is left in the desert to die, only to be picked up a day later by border patrol and taken back to Mexico, where the father is promptly put in a Mexican jail and never seen again. And the body of the infant is never found and assumed eaten by coyotes.

Winner: "No Country For Old Men"! Stunning cinematography and edgy direction make this a deep and unforgettable classic. Plus, the Academy Awards are the most important thing.

Loser: "John Doe"! How hard is it to get a job? There are plenty of jobs, honestly!

Super-losers: Unnamed Mexican Family! There are right ways to come to the U.S. and wrong ways to come to the U.S. If you play with fire, you are bound to get burned. Or eaten by coyotes.

My Rating: 2008 Academy Awards- 0 Stars for assuming that someone who's home is in foreclosure and scheduled to be auctioned next week cares what Keira Knightley is wearing, or that the 85 year old who has just had her pension cancelled and been forced into a Medicare drug program finds news of the Vanity Fair After-party entertaining.

However, in the Cafeteria Awards, I am proud to report I, myself, am the recipient of a solid paper $5 Subway coupon for "Best Acting at Being Busy While Typing a Blog Posting at Work".

Enjoy the Oscars, really. But just keep in mind that it is not the most important night of the year and most definitely not worth counting down (2 days 17:43:00...58...55). It is really just an expensive employee recognition program.