Thursday, April 3, 2008

Recipes of the Ignorant

It has been brought to my attention (by a hideously obese person, none-the-less) that many of you are becoming hungry while waiting for a new post to appear on this blog. Fear not, hungry eyes, the Frog Blog will come to your recipe with a variety of quick and easy to prepare (if not to digest) recipes:

Bagel with Mayonnaise

Take one bagel (if you do not have a bagel, a doughnut will work. If you do not have a doughnut, a piece of bread with the corners cut off and a hole punched in the middle will work. If you do not have a piece of bread, God bless you). Take a jar (or a tub, or a squeeze tube, or 3 packets stolen from Subway) of mayonnaise. Squeeze the mayonnaise on the bagel and smear it around. Eat.

This easy and economical recipe has the benefit of looking a little like cream cheese on a bagel, especially if you close your eyes and swallow it fast without chewing. If you want to simulate lox, pick up a couple of feeder goldfish from your local pet store (usually 10 cents or less) and slap them on top of the mayonnaise.

Bagel with Chips

Take one bagel. Spread something sticky on it, such as butter or butter-flavor Crisco or canned cake icing or whatever sticky substance you have available (NOT SOAP!). Take a handful of chips and crunch them up. Sprinkle this on the bagel. Eat.

Try your own combinations and become, as the French say, le gourmet. Corn chips and salsa on a bagel, potato chips and French Onion Dip on a bagel, cereal and maple syrup on a bagel; the combinations are endless. Make a large batch of the best combinations and share with the seniors at the local home.

Bagel with bagel

This is a little slice of delicious I like to call "Bagel on Bagel action". Take one bagel. Open it (CAREFUL! KNIVES MAY HAVE POINTY EDGES!) Take a second bagel. Put it inside the first. Close the bagel. Eat.

If one bagel is good, two bagels are bageltacular!

Bagel with beer

Find a container (plug up the sink if nothing else is available). Set your bagel in the container. Pour as much beer as it takes to cover the bagel. Allow to sit until you can no longer stand it. Eat the bagel, with a fork or a spoon if you want to demonstrate manners. Drink the beer, enjoying the little bits of bagels floating in it.

For this recipe, might I suggest a fine 2007 Old Milwaukee. Dig all the way to the back of the 'fridge and you may find one.

Jennifer Connelly with butter sauce

Locate a picture of Jennifer Connelly on the Internets. Print this picture. Smear butter on the picture. Lick the picture until the ink stains your tongue or you wear a hole in your cheap, Office Max paper. Repeat as necessary.


Locate a can of soup. Open (This can be trickier than it sounds. You may need to bash it against something if no can opener is available. If necessary, you can punch a hole in the can with a screwdriver and suck the soup out. Firearms should only be used as a last resort or if really bored.) Drink the soup. If it is really thick or you want seconds, drink only half the can of soup, add some water, then resume drinking.

Watch your soup choices. If that girl in the park that you want to impress sees you sucking "Dora the Explorer" noodle soup out of a hole you punched in the side of a soup can, you may not get to first base. Instead, choose something that sounds fancy, like Long Grain Risotto. Likewise, if your parents are coming over, impress them with a nice can of Chunky Vegetable. Don't cheap out with Cream of Mushroom- save this to give to the old people during your annual visit to the local home (and, with no teeth, Cream of Mushroom slides down the throat with minimal gum-slapping).

Cake Mix Milkshake

So, you are more thirsty than hungry? Try this scrumptious sweet treat!

Take one box of cake mix. Pour some water into it. Shake well. Drink, straight from the box if no other container is available. (But be fast! Cardboard leaks.) If it is too thick, get a spoon and pretend like it is an upscale milkshake.

Try other liquid combinations. Milk and chocolate cake mix makes a delicious Oreo shake. Beer and German Chocolate mix is an Oktoberfest tradition. Orange juice and carrot cake mix is a favorite of the Oompa Loompas. And Red Velvet mix and a Bloody Mary is a sinful way to drink a cake mix milkshake like the wealthy.

Bouillabaise a la Sauce Rouille*
*on a bagel

Stew ingredients:3 pounds of at least 3 different kinds of fish fillets, fresh or quick frozen (thaw first)1/2 cup Olive oil1-2 pounds of Oysters, clams, or mussels1 cup cooked shrimp, crab, or lobster meat, or rock lobster tails1 cup thinly sliced onions4 Shallots, thinly sliced OR the white parts of 2 or 3 leeks, thinly sliced2 cloves garlic, crushed1 large tomato, chopped, or 1/2 cup canned tomatoes1 sweet red pepper, chopped4 stalks celery, thinly sliced2-inch slice of fennel or 1 Tbsp teaspoon of fennel seed3 sprigs fresh thyme or 3/4 teaspoon dried thyme1 bay leaf2-3 whole cloves Zest of half an orange1/2 teaspoon powdered saffron2 teaspoons salt1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper1 cup clam juice or fish broth2 Tbps lemon juice 2/3 cup white wine Sliced French bread
1 Heat 1/4 cup of the olive oil in a large (6-qt) saucepan. When it is hot, add onions and shallots (or leeks). Saute for a minute, then add crushed garlic (more or less to taste), and sweet red pepper. Add tomato, celery, and fennel. Stir the vegetables into the oil with a wooden spoon until well coated. Then add another 1/4 cup of olive oil, thyme, bay leaf, cloves and the orange zest. Cook until the onion is soft and golden but not brown.
2 Cut fish fillets into 2-inch pieces. Add the pieces of fish and 2 cups of water to the vegetable mixture. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer, uncovered, for about 10 minutes. Add oysters, clams or mussels (though these may be omitted if desired) and shrimp, crab meat or lobster tails, cut into pieces or left whole.
3 Add saffron, salt, pepper. Add clam juice, lemon juice, and white wine. Bring to a simmer again and cook about 5 minutes longer.
4 At serving time taste and correct the seasoning of the broth, adding a little more salt or pepper if need be, and maybe a touch of lemon juice. Into each soup bowl place a thick slice of crusty French bread, plain or slightly toasted. Spoon the bouillabaisse over the bread. If desired, serve with Sauce Rouille. Serves 6.

To prepare the Sauce Rouille:

1 Tbsp hot fish stock or clam broth.2 cloves peeled garlic1 small red hot pepper1/2 teaspoon salt1/4 cup soft white bread, pulled into bits1/2 cup olive oil
Put hot fish stock or clam broth into the bottom of a blender. Add garlic and red hot pepper, salt and bread. Blend until very smooth. With the blender still running, add olive oil slowly and stop the blending as soon as the oil disappears.
At serving time pass Rouille in a little bowl along with the bouillabaisse. Each serving is about 1/2 a teaspoon that you stir into your soup.

Finally, dump the whole damn mess on a bagel.


Call a pizza place. Order a pizza. Wait. When it arrives, pay quick and slam the door to avoid giving the delivery guy a tip. Eat out of the box. If any extra remains, you may later pry it from the box (a little cardboard stuck to the cheese only adds additional fiber) the next morning.

If entertainment is desired while eating, call about 10 other pizza places and have them delivered to the neighbor's house. Watch this out of the peephole while eating your pizza.

Hopefully, these delicious recipes will tide you over while you wait with baited breath (or, if you are eating lox, with bait breath) until I post my next movie post, which is coming soon. And, of course, by soon, I mean within the next six to nine months.

And, if you are still hungry, you may always try this. If you do, May God Have Mercy on Your Soul.