Monday, April 5, 2010

Rabbit Season: A Marathon Review of Movies with Rabbits

Okay, so, just as I was preparing to amaze the Internets with another picture of a monkey riding on a donkey, I was reminded that this was a movie review blog, particularly reviewing movies that I haven't seen. Well, it is Easter and all, so, rather than just meeting expectations with a long-winded and uninteresting review of a film I have never seen, I instead decided to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus in a sensible and appropriate manner- by creating a list of movies that have rabbits in them.

A List of Movies that Have Rabbits in Them, In Order:
10. "Night of the Lepus"- I have never seen this movie about killer rabbits but I fully expect that it sucks. Why? BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT KILLER RABBITS! Not sharks. Not bears. Not giant ants. Not poltergeists. Not even piranhas. RABBITS! I can think of few things less scary than rabbits. Seriously, I could buy killer manatees. At least they are big and ugly. And unicorns have horns. But rabbits? I can only think of one movie that should have a killer rabbit in it...

9. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"- So you get a killer rabbit and a Trojan Rabbit. What else could you want from one movie, especially if you are a some kind of furry-loving rabbit freak? This actually may be #1, but I just now thought of it, so I'm putting it at #9, and its my blog, so if you want to put it higher, create your own blog and make your own list of rabbit movies.

8. "Donny Darko"- I hate this movie. I can't technically review it here, because I have actually seen it, but I truly, madly, deeply hate it. It is like that guy in high school that thinks he's so funny, and a few other people who hang out in the art room think he is funny, but really he isn't funny, and, when he gets beat up by the football team, everyone has sympathy because they hate the football team, too, but no one is really sorry, because the art-room guy sucks anyway. This movie thinks it is so clever and cute and creative, but really it just sits there, sucking, full of itself. It's like "Juno", only without Jason Bateman and with a guy in a creepy metal-faced rabbit costume. And, because of that, it does belong on a list of movies with rabbits in them. Doesn't stop it from sucking, though.

7. "Watership Down"- I was about 6 or 7 years old when my dear, dear mother, who is also the only dedicated reader of this blog, as well as the author of most of the comments (and, yes, Mom, I DO like to read about your hot sexxy website for sexxy friends to meet), took me to see this film of rabbit death and Art Garfunkel songs and traumatized me into a life of writing useless blog posts. And, of course, we all know that writing blog posts is an act a lot like masturbating, except it is less fun for me and even more hideous for people who accidentally see it (although both cause carpel tunnel). Anyhow, because I was so traumatized and terrorized by this film when I was young, I made sure and showed it to my own children, but I showed it to them when they were half the age I was when I first saw it, so that I could really test the limits of brain development. Anyhow, what was I saying? Oh yeah, #6...

6. "Harvey"- I think I've seen this once, but, just based on the fact that it has Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic in it puts it at #6, even if I can't remember seeing it. I do remember "Being There" with Peter Sellers- now THAT is a great movie! However, I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a rabbit in it, at least not that I remember, so I will leave "Harvey" on this list in its place. If anyone remembers a rabbit in "Being There", though, please leave a comment and I will replace "Harvey" with that. Of course, there is always that other great holiday film starring Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic who ruins his bank, tries to kill himself, and sees angels, and I'm obviously talking about the Christmas classic, "An American Tail: Fievel Goes West". There is nothing like the combination of Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic and a Christian holiday to really bring people together.

5. "Roger and Me"- Remember the part about "Rabbits For Sale- For Pets or Meat" and then the lady kills the rabbit? Thought so. Remember the John Candy comedy "Canadian Bacon" written by Michael Moore? Thought not. Maybe he should have killed rabbits in that one, too.

4. "Space Jam"- Bugs Bunny meets Michael Jordan- how could it lose? Watch and see, my friends, watch and see. I'd rather have an anvil dropped on my head while blowing my feet off with a pair of Acme Rocket Powered Roller Skates and listening to Foghorn Leghorn lecture on segregation than see this willful destruction of childhood memories ever again. Afterward, I think I cried harder than I did at any part of "Watership Down". In fact, a falling t ar just short d out th ' ' k y on my k yboard now.

3. "The Rabbit Test"- Okay, I have to admit, the closest I ever came to seeing this movie was once when I was a kid and it showed up on The Movie Channel and my mother made me turn it off. Otherwise, I have no idea what it is about. Since I'm being honest, I just realized that I had three more spaces to fill and only two more movies I could think of with rabbits in them, so I plugged this thing in here because it had "rabbit" in the title. That way, I don't reveal my public school education by skipping straight from #4 to #2. Since I don't really have anything to say about this flick, instead I'm just gonna cut and paste some random text from a Wikipedia article: [The quotes mean I stole this straight from Wikipedia.][The square brackets mean I am doing something unheard of in the realm of the Internets and admitting to theft.]: "When Lionel meets Segoynia's fortune-telling grandmother (played by Roddy McDowall in drag) she intuits that he is the world's first pregnant man. The rest of the film is a series of gags relating to his pregnancy and people's reactions to it. One sideplot has Lionel being pursued by"

Sounds great. I'm sorry my ma made me turn it off.

2. "Bambi"- Psst! Bambi's mom dies! And, unlike Jesus, she doesn't come back! Hope I didn't ruin it for ya!

1. "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"- This is the power of light and goodness to "Space Jam"'s eternal sucky animation damnation. I mean, seriously, how could a movie starring a rabbit get any better? Well, yeah, Jennifer Connelly, I know, but you do get Jessica Rabbit, who held the title as Hottest Cartoon Movie Star up until the blue chick from "Avatar" (and she cheated, because she was in 3-D). I have seen this movie nine hunnert and fitty-seven some odd times, and I still laugh at lines like, "Let's shake the weasels". If you do not like this movie, then get out of my blog now. Seriously. Get out and don't come back. We'll wait...still waiting...go on, GET OUT! Hit "Next Blog" up there at the top of the screen and read about someone's kid's birthday party or an analysis of urban planning or whatever. But just get out of this blog and leave those of us who appreciate good rabbit movies alone. Are you gone? Good. Don't come back.

As for the rest of you, can't you see that that was #1? That means the list is done. It's not like it's gonna go to #.5 or #-1 or something. You go on and get out, too. I'm tired of all your neediness. Don't stay here looking for more pictures of monkeys riding donkeys or whatever other sick thing brought you to this blog! As Jesus said on Easter when He rose from the dead and pushed His way out of the tomb, "Let's get this thing rolling! I'm sick of just hanging around!"

[Unfortunately, after typing that last line, the author's computer mysteriously quit working and his Internet service was canceled and his home was foreclosed and he died. R.I.P.- Ed.]