Friday, October 15, 2010

Things I Do Instead of Writing the Songs that Make the Whole World Sing

  • I Burn the Toast that Makes the Smoke Alarm Go Off
  • I Eat the Burritos that Make my Whole Family Cringe
  • I Take the Nap that Makes My Head Feel All Fuzzy
  • I Post the Posts to Facebook that Make Most People Sorry They Friended Me
  • I Pay the Bills Late that Makes A Finance Charge Show Up on My Account Next Month
  • I Watch the TV and that Prevents Me From Doing Much of Anything Else
  • I Underinflate the Air Pressure in My Tires that Makes the Gas Mileage Go Down, and then, Because I Can't Find the Stupid Tire Pressure Gauge, I Overinflate the Air Pressure in My Tires That Makes the Vehicle Difficult to Control In High Speed Situations
  • I Write the Grocery Lists that I Routinely Forget and Leave on the Counter When I Go to the Store Which Makes Me More Susceptible to Impulse Buys
  • I Do the Laundry Without Sorting By Colors Which Makes My Underwear Pink
  • I Eat the Cookies that Were Made For the Kid's Lunches
  • I Write the Blog Posts that Make People In Greece Regret that They Searched For "Where Are Naked Pictures of Jennifer Connelly", At Least for the 1.6 Seconds They Are On This Blog Page

Fruits That Are More Musical Than Beans

  • Banana
  • Raspberry
  • Kumquat
  • Clementine
  • Kiwi
  • Huckleberry
  • Gooseberry
  • Tangerine
  • Acai
  • Rock Melon
  • Pomegranate
  • Lychee
  • Ziziphus mauritiana
  • Raisin
  • Pineapple
  • Every other real fruit, including oranges, because beans are freakin' legumes, seed pods, and I don't even consider them fruits

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Slummer School: English

They say that 65% of what is learned is lost during summer vacation Well, I don't know who "they" is, but I am a crazy optimist who prefers to look at it as 30% of learning is retained, which, to me, means that, if you give 110%, you will realize that there is no "I" in "team". Although there is a "me". But, anyhow, I still think that, after this incredible pep talk, everyone should be willing to learn a little bit, and, in an effort to declare this blog as a charter school and start collecting Fed moola so that I can improve the facilities to maximize student learning (I mean, how can I have a Phys Ed program without a heated swimming pool and a hot tub for physical therapy? I plan on correcting that around here as soon as I get those charter school funds. And I'm sick of the beans and Hot Pockets they serve in the cafeteria around here- give me some champagne and filet topped with a slice of free government lunch cheese!). With just a little bit further ado, I now commence on my tax-deductible, union-protected job of educating the youfs of the Internets through this fabulous development of my technology based, distance learning Summer Program, or, in other words, typing this damn blog.

And, since 85% of this blog is typed in English, I guess we'll start our Summer Learning program with English.


Many people, including myself, may be asking "What are the parts of speech?" In fact, if you are not asking that, it may be because you don't know enough parts of speech to form the sentence "What are the parts of speech?" (Hint: There are twelve parts of speech in that sentence, with two more that are unlockable once you've beaten the first twelve and have the passwords, and one more that can be gained by subscribing to the RSS feed of this blog, plus a secret one that is only given out to members of Congress and the top 1% wage earners in the U.S.). Anyhow, you didn't come here to ask questions- you came here to learn. With that said, let the learning commence.

Parts of Speech

1. Nouns
Definition: Every word you can say or even think about, day and night, along with a few others you can't pronounce and a few you aren't allowed to say and some from other languages.
Examples: This, and this, and this. Oh, and also this.
Purpose: To fill in those uncomfortable gaps in conversation when a date is going poorly.
Friends Describe Nouns As: Arrogant
Rank: 1.75
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Tom Hanks
Fun Fact: Without nouns, the world would be a much quieter place.
Sample Sentence: Noun goin ta set foot on ma proprety, er else.

2. Verbs
Definition: Everything that gets you in trouble.
Examples: Yelling, fighting, stealing, drinking, smoking, defecating, sleeping during conference calls, coveting, skydiving, flirting with the hot babysitter, being
Purpose: To find ways to get out of work
Friends Describe Verbs As: Tiresome
Rank: 4.379
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Quinton "Rampage" Jackson
Fun Fact: When people sleep, only a quarter of the population dreams verbs in color. The rest of human subjects dream verbs that are old black-and-white ones (like "gallivanting", "parlaying", and "frolicking").
Sample Sentence: VERB! Excuse me! I must have eaten too much garlic dip!

3. Adjectives
Definition: Every word that you can't figure out what part of speech it belongs to is, by default, an adjective.
Examples: betelgeuse, pretense, sippy cup, zumba, minke whale, polyamorous
Purpose: To try and sound smart and impress people at a party/job interview/parole hearing/infomercial
Friends Describe Adjectives As: Needy
Rank: 8
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Gwyneth Paltrow
Fun Fact: If you randomly put a string of letters together, or even just beat your head on a keyboard repeatedly, you will most likely create an adjective.
Sample Sentence: T'was brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

4. Adverbs
Definition: This is kinda like a verb, only a lot more.
Purpose: To convince people not to mess with you
Friends Describe Adverbs As: Obnoxiously, hideously, aimlessly stupid
Rank: -7
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Dane Cook
Fun Fact: No one likes adverbs.
Another Fun Fact: Adverbs can be recognized by the tell-tale "lies" they always end with.
Sample Sentence: Did you hear that Shelly caught her husband trying to adverb? SHUT UP WITH YOUR SENSELESS GOSSIP ALREADY!

5. Pronouns
Definition: A professional noun
Examples: doctor, lawyer, long-haul trucker, Lebron James
Purpose: To entertain the other parts of speech
Friends Describe Pronouns As: Way awesome
Rank: 2, 000, 453, 839
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: LeBron James
Fun Fact: The word "teacher" does not count as a pronoun.
Sample Sentence: If that noun could be serious about conditioning, he'd be looking at being recruited as a pronoun.

6. Interjections
Definition: These are words that can only be used by lawyers.
Examples: hereafter, wherefore, unto, insamuch, however
Purpose: To understand the purpose of an interjection requires an advanced degree plus two to four years of intensive training, which is much more time than we have to spend on this blog entry.
Friends Describe Interjections As: Hoity-toity
Rank: 16.8439732
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Helen Mirren
Fun Fact: Interjections are the only words used in both the Magna Carta (which is French for "Big Card")and the Declaration of the Constitution
Sample Sentence: Allow me to interject! P'shaw!

7. Conjunctions
Definition: These are the sounds people make when they forget their lines in a play or while giving a speech.
Examples: uh, um, ah, mmmmm, huh, duh, oh shit
Purpose: To prevent other people from talking even when you don't have anything left to say
Friends Describe Conjunctions As: Liberal
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Billy Bob Thornton
Fun Fact: Conjunctions are the only part of speech that Americans enjoy asking what their function is while having no actual idea what their function is.
Sample Sentence: There has been a three-car accident at the conjunction of I-75 and I-80. Take an alternate route!

8. Prepositions
Definition: Words people use to try and trick other people into doing things
Examples: payment, trade, favor, owe, legal action
Purpose: To trick other people into doing things- duh!
Friends Describe Prepositions As: Charming in a creepy way
Rank: Tadpole
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Charlie Sheen
Fun Fact: Many towns in the Southern part of the United States have outlawed the used of prepositions entirely and, if you use one in Arizona, you will immediately be deported to Mexico.
Sample Sentence: I would like to preposition you to come back to my place to drink some beer.

9. Articles
Definition: These are not parts of speech at all, but are a collection of parts of speech that come together to make speech. Articles can be found in such things as magazines, newspapers, and your better-written blogs.
Examples: "Obama May Be Able to Prove U.S. Citizenship", "B.P Decides to Start Sacrificing Puppies and Kitties in an Attempt to Stop Oil Leak", "My Life With Angela Lansbury", "Shocking! Beyonce and Oprah Love Affair!", "Visit to Grandma's House w/ Pix", "Reviews of the Ignorant".
Purpose: To provide a nice number of "Parts of Speech" so that posters in English classrooms are balanced into neat columns rather than being ugly and uneven.
Friends Describe Articles As: Entertaining enough to pass the time in the airport or doctor's office
Rank: B
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Gary Coleman Verne Troyer
Fun Fact: Articles are not actually parts of speech, but, rather, are adjectives with an inferiority complex.
Sample Sentence: Do not put your fingers in people's armpits because, not only is it unsanitary, but it articles them!

10. Dirty
Definition: Any word that can get you fired for keying it in a Google search box.
Examples: censored, censored, censored, plushie, and censored
Purpose: To entertain middle-school boys; to keep HBO in business
Friends Describe Dirty Words As: ((smirking chuckle))
Rank: 69
Actor Who Will Play This Part of Speech in the "Schoolhouse Rock" Movie: Kendra Wilkinson
Fun Fact: Dirty words are the only parts of speech that are actually fun. The rest are pretty much boring and useless.
Sample Sentence: "Poo-poo, ca-ca," said the mayor, while a hooker in red leather peed in his hair and a teenage girl in Tijuana was traded by her grandma to a group of USC football players for ten bucks and a bottle of Darvocet.

Okay, so now you know all your parts of speech, and, as you sit there trying to figure out what six-figure job you will apply for next, you may ask the question, "But what can I do with this information"? Well, you are not so smart now, huh? You could make trading cards of the parts of speech and trade with your friends. You could teach middle-school English. You could write a blog. You could just sit back and eat Doritos out of the bag. Or you could diagram a sentence.
What, you may ask, is diagramming a sentence? Well, it is a formula for understanding the English language that is so complex, so mind-boggling, so amazingly awesome that I am not going to share it with you. To truly understand it, you must reach the 39th degree of English, which requires such sacrifices as being spanked by drunk men in fezzes and being buried alive in the Mojave Desert.  However, I will diagram the following sentence, just to give you an example of what you could obtain if you dare to dream. Watch closely:
First, an ordinary sentence-
I gasped as the heart-stoppingly gorgeous goddess Jennifer Connelly approached me outside the dollar store in order to profess her undying love.
Now, prepare for the mind-blowing. With nothing up my sleeve, and no assistance from the TV cameras, I will now attempt to diagram the above sentence:

Diagram 1

Ooooooh, I conjuncted as I heard the sound of the Internet shift to the left. That may have been too much knowledge for one lesson. I had a 74 page PowerPoint ready to continue discussion of Parts of Speech, but, after that diagramming demonstration, maybe we should all go eat Cheetos, drink Kool-Aid and watch "He-Man" while we wait for our parents to get home.

Class dismissed. 

Saturday, June 5, 2010

And Now For How I Really Feel...

Since this is, at least according to the title header, a movie review blog, then I feel I should review a movie. So here goes...

Napoleon Dynamite

Man, I hate that thing. Stupid. Terrible. Sucks. Hate it.

Meanwhile, did I mention that Jennifer Connelly is hot?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Rabbit Season: A Marathon Review of Movies with Rabbits

Okay, so, just as I was preparing to amaze the Internets with another picture of a monkey riding on a donkey, I was reminded that this was a movie review blog, particularly reviewing movies that I haven't seen. Well, it is Easter and all, so, rather than just meeting expectations with a long-winded and uninteresting review of a film I have never seen, I instead decided to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus in a sensible and appropriate manner- by creating a list of movies that have rabbits in them.

A List of Movies that Have Rabbits in Them, In Order:
10. "Night of the Lepus"- I have never seen this movie about killer rabbits but I fully expect that it sucks. Why? BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT KILLER RABBITS! Not sharks. Not bears. Not giant ants. Not poltergeists. Not even piranhas. RABBITS! I can think of few things less scary than rabbits. Seriously, I could buy killer manatees. At least they are big and ugly. And unicorns have horns. But rabbits? I can only think of one movie that should have a killer rabbit in it...

9. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"- So you get a killer rabbit and a Trojan Rabbit. What else could you want from one movie, especially if you are a some kind of furry-loving rabbit freak? This actually may be #1, but I just now thought of it, so I'm putting it at #9, and its my blog, so if you want to put it higher, create your own blog and make your own list of rabbit movies.

8. "Donny Darko"- I hate this movie. I can't technically review it here, because I have actually seen it, but I truly, madly, deeply hate it. It is like that guy in high school that thinks he's so funny, and a few other people who hang out in the art room think he is funny, but really he isn't funny, and, when he gets beat up by the football team, everyone has sympathy because they hate the football team, too, but no one is really sorry, because the art-room guy sucks anyway. This movie thinks it is so clever and cute and creative, but really it just sits there, sucking, full of itself. It's like "Juno", only without Jason Bateman and with a guy in a creepy metal-faced rabbit costume. And, because of that, it does belong on a list of movies with rabbits in them. Doesn't stop it from sucking, though.

7. "Watership Down"- I was about 6 or 7 years old when my dear, dear mother, who is also the only dedicated reader of this blog, as well as the author of most of the comments (and, yes, Mom, I DO like to read about your hot sexxy website for sexxy friends to meet), took me to see this film of rabbit death and Art Garfunkel songs and traumatized me into a life of writing useless blog posts. And, of course, we all know that writing blog posts is an act a lot like masturbating, except it is less fun for me and even more hideous for people who accidentally see it (although both cause carpel tunnel). Anyhow, because I was so traumatized and terrorized by this film when I was young, I made sure and showed it to my own children, but I showed it to them when they were half the age I was when I first saw it, so that I could really test the limits of brain development. Anyhow, what was I saying? Oh yeah, #6...

6. "Harvey"- I think I've seen this once, but, just based on the fact that it has Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic in it puts it at #6, even if I can't remember seeing it. I do remember "Being There" with Peter Sellers- now THAT is a great movie! However, I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a rabbit in it, at least not that I remember, so I will leave "Harvey" on this list in its place. If anyone remembers a rabbit in "Being There", though, please leave a comment and I will replace "Harvey" with that. Of course, there is always that other great holiday film starring Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic who ruins his bank, tries to kill himself, and sees angels, and I'm obviously talking about the Christmas classic, "An American Tail: Fievel Goes West". There is nothing like the combination of Jimmy Stewart as a lunatic and a Christian holiday to really bring people together.

5. "Roger and Me"- Remember the part about "Rabbits For Sale- For Pets or Meat" and then the lady kills the rabbit? Thought so. Remember the John Candy comedy "Canadian Bacon" written by Michael Moore? Thought not. Maybe he should have killed rabbits in that one, too.

4. "Space Jam"- Bugs Bunny meets Michael Jordan- how could it lose? Watch and see, my friends, watch and see. I'd rather have an anvil dropped on my head while blowing my feet off with a pair of Acme Rocket Powered Roller Skates and listening to Foghorn Leghorn lecture on segregation than see this willful destruction of childhood memories ever again. Afterward, I think I cried harder than I did at any part of "Watership Down". In fact, a falling t ar just short d out th ' ' k y on my k yboard now.

3. "The Rabbit Test"- Okay, I have to admit, the closest I ever came to seeing this movie was once when I was a kid and it showed up on The Movie Channel and my mother made me turn it off. Otherwise, I have no idea what it is about. Since I'm being honest, I just realized that I had three more spaces to fill and only two more movies I could think of with rabbits in them, so I plugged this thing in here because it had "rabbit" in the title. That way, I don't reveal my public school education by skipping straight from #4 to #2. Since I don't really have anything to say about this flick, instead I'm just gonna cut and paste some random text from a Wikipedia article: [The quotes mean I stole this straight from Wikipedia.][The square brackets mean I am doing something unheard of in the realm of the Internets and admitting to theft.]: "When Lionel meets Segoynia's fortune-telling grandmother (played by Roddy McDowall in drag) she intuits that he is the world's first pregnant man. The rest of the film is a series of gags relating to his pregnancy and people's reactions to it. One sideplot has Lionel being pursued by"

Sounds great. I'm sorry my ma made me turn it off.

2. "Bambi"- Psst! Bambi's mom dies! And, unlike Jesus, she doesn't come back! Hope I didn't ruin it for ya!

1. "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"- This is the power of light and goodness to "Space Jam"'s eternal sucky animation damnation. I mean, seriously, how could a movie starring a rabbit get any better? Well, yeah, Jennifer Connelly, I know, but you do get Jessica Rabbit, who held the title as Hottest Cartoon Movie Star up until the blue chick from "Avatar" (and she cheated, because she was in 3-D). I have seen this movie nine hunnert and fitty-seven some odd times, and I still laugh at lines like, "Let's shake the weasels". If you do not like this movie, then get out of my blog now. Seriously. Get out and don't come back. We'll wait...still waiting...go on, GET OUT! Hit "Next Blog" up there at the top of the screen and read about someone's kid's birthday party or an analysis of urban planning or whatever. But just get out of this blog and leave those of us who appreciate good rabbit movies alone. Are you gone? Good. Don't come back.

As for the rest of you, can't you see that that was #1? That means the list is done. It's not like it's gonna go to #.5 or #-1 or something. You go on and get out, too. I'm tired of all your neediness. Don't stay here looking for more pictures of monkeys riding donkeys or whatever other sick thing brought you to this blog! As Jesus said on Easter when He rose from the dead and pushed His way out of the tomb, "Let's get this thing rolling! I'm sick of just hanging around!"

[Unfortunately, after typing that last line, the author's computer mysteriously quit working and his Internet service was canceled and his home was foreclosed and he died. R.I.P.- Ed.]

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

An Apology for The Previous Apology

To Whom It May Concern:

In the previous post, we actually used the word "cad". We regret the use of this word and will personally insist that it never appear on this website again (well, never again after it appeared at the start of this apology). In addition, we can assure you that the 5 fact-checkers that allowed this word to appear have been fired and have had their legs broken. Rest assured that we will never again permit the word "cad" to appear on this blog, even in the event of an emergency.

Damn. There it is again. Time to fire another 7 fact-checkers. And eat their thyroids.



A Correction and Apology to All of Our Valued Readers, and Even to Our Readers That We Don't Care Two Bits About

Sirs (and various other women who might accidentally find themselves viewing this website):

We regret to inform you that, in the course of a post during the month of December, a quote was incorrectly attributed to Winston Churchill. The quote, of course, was the immortal line, "I'll be rich, I tells ya! Rich!". As even the lowest performing second-grader (and, here, we're talking about the one who sits in the back of the room, picking his nose and wiping it under the desk while quietly cursing under his breath) knows, this quote was not uttered by the great Winston Churchill, even when sober, but was instead a line from a play by the underachieving writer/philosopher/general cad Franz "Leghorn" Kafka. The correct Winston Churchill quote, and the one that directly applies to the post in question, is, obviously, "I'd rather have a bottle in fronta me than a frontal lobotomy." We regret the error and swear on our mother's good name (at least as it stood prior to her New Years Eve solicitation arrest) that incorrect information has never appeared on this blog before or since, so please quit your whining. From this point forward, we will employ at great expense seventeen unemployed newspaper fact checkers to verify the accuracy of every single word that dares to rear its ugly syllables in these hallowed pages. We have learned our lesson and will never use quotes in this blog again. Thank you for your patience and kind and loving comments either written in Russian or directing us to links that will make us devastatingly rich. (If we weren't so hopped up on free Viagra and Xanax, we would definitely take you up on these links.)

In addition, we sincerely apologize to the global community and anyone else with a shred of decency and light for all the other content on this blog, including this very post, with the exception of the words "Jennifer Connelly".

And now, in an effort to make amends for our crimes and omissions, here is a picture of a monkey riding on a donkey:


Mgmnt & Friends