Friday, September 26, 2008

Ignorant Education: The Presidents, Part I

So it has been brought to my attention that this blog is frequently used by school children to help with homework, write reports, jump to really quickly to cover up surfing porn, etc., etc., etc. But the problem with this is that the content of this website, in addition to being questionable, is primarily lies backed by falsehoods covered by inaccuracies. This would be acceptable if this was a public school, but it is entirely unacceptable for a blog. The Internets has a reputation for truthfulness and honesty. I mean, it's not like just anyone can post on Wikipedia, or that that Czech supermodel you've been chatting with is really a 50 year old lawn service employee in New Jersey with one hand on his keyboard and the other down his pants. No, the Internets is a collection of expertly researched, strategically organized examples of stellar writing and focused research, and here we at the Frog Blog just post crap willy-nilly with no regard for the black eye it may cause the Internets. For this, we sincerely apologize, from the depths of our shriveled, blackened hearts. We also apologize for our cracks about penguins. That wasn't nice, and we have grown since then. However, we do not apologize for cracks about Katherine Heigl. She may have some people fooled into thinking she is hot, but we know the truth. Good skin and blond hair does not mask the fact that she is really a dolphin. Look at those side-of-the-head dolphin eyes. That couldn't be done on porpoise. And, what's up with that last name? Buy a vowel already.

Anyhow, that brings us to the educational portion of this blog. In penitence for our transgressions against honesty and integrity, we have agreed to begin posting educational content between our usual ignorant movie reviews. Seeing as how some people on TV keep blabbing about Presidents for some reason, we figured it would be a good time to start a series of presidential profiles. Starting tonight, we will begin a series of educational, informational fact sheets about all 76 American Presidents (and a few of their wives and girlfriends). So here you go, kids. No need to worry about homework- just cut and paste this junk into Word and print it out and, as the French would say, viola! Instant report! No need to pay that nerdy kid with glasses to write the thing for you (even if you do beat him up after school to get your money back). Just plagiarize this garbage and jump straight to the wedgies and swirlies.

To begin our series of Presidential Fact Sheets, we have chosen some of our most popular presidents, the Big 5 (as we in the industry call them) that appeared on Mt. Rushmore. It is always amazing that people can deny the Hand of God when something as amazing as Mt. Rushmore can appear in the middle of someplace as hellish as South Carolina. Or is it South Korea? Anyhow, only God can make mountains, and only an even bigger God can make them in the shape of American Presidents.

So, in summary, suck it, Japan! You think you are so smart, eh? Well, your president must look like some kind of anteater or a dustbuster, because all you have is Mt. Fuji. Americans, on the other hand, have a huge God who loves our presidents so much He zapped a mountain into place in the shape of their faces. See who's failing to educate their children now, Japan!

George Washington

Jobs: 1st President, Tree Service Supervisor, Teeth Model
Nicknames: Ol' Buckethead, Ol' Creakyknees, Ol' Dragon Breath, His Royal Fartness, D.C., John Adams
Value: $1.25
Favorite Color: Plaid
Favorite Book: Chicken Soup for the PreTeen Soul
Important Accomplishments: Created America, Killed Witches, Named the Mississippi, Licked Alexander Hamilton's Wig, Drank the Delaware River, Hands Out Autographed Dollar Bills to Fans
Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, wanna try and erect the Washington Monument?"
Little Known Fact: Also had a wooden leg, a wooden elbow, and a wooden plate in his head
Hidden Talent: Playing the Spoons
Most Likely To: Spit Like a Llama
If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Ill-tempered
Current Status: Dead

Thomas Jefferson

Jobs: 3rd or 4th President (One or the other), Dry-cleaner,

Nicknames: Smartass, Qui-Gon Jinn, Father of Our Country (Literally, with the paternity tests to prove it)
Value: $2.05
Favorite Color: Chartreuse
Favorite Book: Who Moved My Cheese?
Important Accomplishments: Bought Louisiana from the French while leaving them with France, Cracked the Liberty Bell and blamed it on that stupid John Hancock, Freed Sally Hemings- to come into his bedroom, that is!, Moved on up
Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, wanna see the Declaration of In-ta-my-pants?"
Little Known Fact: Was a notorious bad tipper
Hidden Talent: Macrame
Most Likely To: Hold these truths self-evident
If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Really annoying
Current Status: Still living, hiding in Argentina

Benjamin Franklin

Jobs: 7th or 8th or 9th President, Electrical Conductor, Snake Cutter
Nicknames: Poor Richard, Poorer Dick, Mr. Funbags, L'oeuff grande
Value: $100.00
Favorite Color: Turkey
Favorite Book: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Important Accomplishments: Invented lightening, Invented X-ray specs, Invented paper, Invented the car, Invented the day planner, Invented gravy, Walked around Philadelphia talking in a fake accent and creeping people out
Famous Quote: "Dude! That lightening shit is da bomb!"
Little Known Fact: Was not only a member of Hair Club for Men, but was the OWNER
Hidden Talent: Stuffing cats in his pants
Most Likely To: Rupture a hernia and bleed out
If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Starring in a remake of "Cannonball Run"
Current Status: Living Dead

John Quincy Adams

Jobs: 7th or 8th or 9th President, whichever one Benjamin Franklin wasn't, Dog-trainer, Horse Whisperer, All-about Cad

Nicknames: Quince, Quince-man, Quincerino, the Q, Pruneface, Whizzlehergerberg, Anthony Hopkins
Value: $o
Favorite Color: Heliotrope
Favorite Book: Green Eggs and Ham
Important Accomplishments: Made it through school with the name "Quincy", named the state of Quincetucky after himself (later changed to Kansas), found the creamy filling in Dolly Madison's treats, invented Beanie Babies but didn't keep up the patent, Acted as the country's first medical examiner, Was blinded with science

Little Known Fact: Was the inspiration for the Terminator cyborg in the Terminator films
Hidden Talent: None

Most Likely To: Be Mistaken for James Monroe

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Trying to sell you insurance

Current Status: Unknown

Abraham Lincoln

Jobs: 15th or 16th President, Real-estate salesman, Pro Basketball Player (Canadian League)

Nicknames: Mr. Mary Todd Lincoln, Pork n' Beans, Long Hat, Honest Abe (until he entered politics), Winkin' Blinkin' Lincoln
Value: $5.01
Favorite Color: Black

Favorite Book: Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret

Important Accomplishments: Filled the empty space opposite George Washington above the chalkboard, Was the original moody "Goth", Wrote over 700 songs, including "Moon River", "Indian Love Call", and "Horse With No Name", and ONLY SAVED THE FREAKIN' COUNTRY FROM DESTROYING ITSELF, YOU STUPID FOOL!!! And could eat glass.

Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, meet me in the Lincoln Bedroom."

Little Known Fact: Didn't know the Gettysburg Address without looking it up in the phone book
Hidden Talent: Weeping

Most Likely To: Dislike live theater

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Screaming and clawing at the inside of his casket

Current Status: Performing at Disneyland

Questions for Reflection

1. What makes a great president? Why haven't we had any?

2. Which of the current presidential candidates was more likely as a child to have met Abraham Lincoln?

3. What's so bad about Chester Arthur?

4. Did George Washington really sleep here? Discuss.

5. If a new face was added to Mt. Rushmore, should it be another dumb president, or should it be someone way more cool, like an actor or a football player?

6. Seriously, what is up with Benjamin Franklin's eyes?

7. Did you know that you can rearrange the letters in "George Washington" to spell "Who Negates Gringo"? Also "Agree Owning Thongs"? Also "A Greenish Gown Got"? Also"A Estrogen Hog Wing"? What does all this mean?!

8. Name 10 things you could have been doing that could have made America a better place during the time it took you to read this blog. Reread your list and feel guilty about it.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Reviews of the Ignorant: Financial Disaster Edition

Ok, so as banks disintegrate around us like the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi and my house is now valued at approximately two cans of green beans (generic, at that) and fifty-two ketchup packets and people begin to wipe their butts with dollar bills because the toilet paper is worth too much, I began to think about money. Considering that I am rapidly approaching middle-age, it may be too late to begin to think about money, but, since so much of our money is gonna be used to prop up banks that wouldn't have given me and you loans even when they were loaning it out to hobos, I couldn't help to think about it. Plus, the TV told me to think about it. And we should always do what the TV says to do (unless it starts telling you to kill your bail bondsman- some of us had to learn the hard way that even the TV can lie about things like that). Well, it didn't take me too long to think about all the money I had (estimated at $24.17), so then I began to think about other people's money. It was about this time that my wife started screaming, telling me to stop thinking about other people's money and go make some of my own so that we don't have to eat Ramen noodles for the 8th night in a row. Well, you know, it's like I always tell her, priorities, baby. Some of us are doers, some of us are thinkers, and some of us just think about doo. And I put myself squishily in the last category.

Anyhow, seeing all the portfolio decreasing turmoil and asset plunging tumult going on in the financial industry doesn't worry me too much; to be part of the financial industry requires two things I don't have- finances and industry- and I don't have those in spades. Or clubs. Or hearts. So I stand to be less hard hit than some by the Greater Depression that seems to be developing. In fact, I actually owe my bank $57 in NSF fees, so if it goes under, I actually stand to make a profit. (Take that, Mr. Financial Planner! You laughed when I told you my retirement planning consisted of buying scratch-off lottery tickets, but who's laughing now, eh, Mr. MBA-hole?) Which brings me to the biggest box-office bombs of all times. Now, by using both the scientific and the rhythm method, I have come to the academic conclusion that these films bombed because no one saw them. And, when I say no one, I am including myself. Since the mission of this blog is to review films I have never seen and to express opinions about things which I have no knowledge, these cinematic turkeys are perfect for posting. Without further ado-doo, I bring you brief reviews of the Ten Biggest Money Losing Films of All Times That I Have Never Seen Based on Total Loss of Accumulated World-Wide Gross (or, as we in the blog business like to call it, TBMLFoATTIHNSBoTLoAWWG for short).

(And, before I go on, a brief note about sources: I found this on some web site on the Internets. I can't remember the web site now, but, honestly, what do you really care? They all look the same anyhow. And, since it was on the Internets, I know it to be true. Unlike the TV, which sometimes says bad things, the Internets is a haven of truth, honesty, beauty, authenticity, and free Viagra. Oh yeah, and porn.)

Numero 10-o: Windtalkers (Loss of over $76 million)

What is this film about? Who knows? No one saw it! My assumption is that it is a lovely coming of age story about boys who meet in the woods and have farting contests. Kinda like "Stand by Me", only sucky. The only kind of talking I would want to hear with this flick is someone talking me out of seeing it. It looks like Nicolas Cage, who makes such good choices in both career and baby names, starred in it. Maybe someone should ask Nicolas Cage (nicely reason to humiliate the guy) to give back all the money he has been paid for every film he was in after 1992 so that the poor execs at AIG can continue to live the lifestyle they have become accustomed to. On second thought, why not just throw the whole bunch of them to the wolves.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Stealing the Ronald McDonald House coin box so you can get a case of Pepsi Maxx on sale at Walmart

Numero Nine-o: The Sound of Thunder (Loss of $77 million)

What the hell is this movie? Has anyone who didn't star in it ever even heard of it? I honestly didn't even think this was a real movie, so I turned to my dedicated research crew (including Lefty and Righty and the IMDB) to even see if it existed. Sure enough, it does. Something about prehistoric times altering the future. To which the only correct response is "Please, Merciful Jesus, make it stop." Sounds way too close to that cinematic turd The Butterfly Effect to me, although, in this case, the effect of the butterfly was definitely financially louder than the sound of thunder. This is not so much a movie as a philosophical puzzle: If The Sound of Thunder is made and nobody is around to see or hear it, does it make a sound? Starring a cast of nobody supported by Sir Ben Kingsley, the other question raised by this film is what in the name of blue-blazing hell did the filmmakers spend over $77 million dollars on? My assumption would be cocaine, because there is no way it went into the movie.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Cashing out your 401K to buy a used Nintendo DS

Numero Eight-o: The Alamo (Loss of over $80 million)

Remember it? No thanks. Jason Patrick stars as David Bowie, Dennis Quaid is Ziggy Stardust, Billy Bob Thornton is Crockett and Patrick Wilson is Tubbs. When it comes to filmed representations of the Alamo, I prefer the one where OJ Simpson runs through the airport. Those commercials were a cut above the rest, just bleeding comedy; in fact, you would never know where they would be headed.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Moving Your Retirement Fund into Enron Stock

Numero Seven-ito: Sahara (Loss of over $84 million)

So I assumed this was the same thing as Ishtar, but, apparently, its not. Starring Matthew McConaughey on the bongos and Penelope Cruz in a tank-top (So it's not Jennifer Connelly, but its a definite positive in a film so negative it makes my savings account look like a good investment), this is a heart-warming nature film, showing the harsh survival of many organisms as well as William H. Macy in the roughest climates of the world. Of course, no matter how distracted the audience may be by Ms. Cruz's tank top, we'll soon realize it is a mirage, an oasis in a sandstorm. This film may also be known for its controversial staged scenes of mass lemming death. Since real lemmings do not plunge to their deaths (and, although I am no Marlin Perkins- heck, I'm not even Perkins Pancakes- I also don't think lemmings are native to the desert. Of course, the last time I was in the desert, I was so whacked out on peyote that a group of cacti started singing to me and I married a coyote at a Vegas Wedding chapel, so there may have been lemmings there; I just may have thought they were Cocker Spaniels)...Where was I? Oh, yeah- since real lemmings do not plunge to their deaths in mass suicide, the scenes in this film that depict this were later revealed to be staged, nothing more than Matthew McConaughey throwing slippers at the crew.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Putting Your Kid's College Fund on Fay's Bray to Win

Numero- Six-o: Evan Almighty (Loss of over $88 million)

Almighty crappy, alright. This film so angered God that he smite it's box office grosses and issued His 3 Commandments of Bad Films: I. Thou Shalt Not Waste Time on This Garbage, II. Thou Shalt Forgive Morgan Freeman, for he knows not what he hath done, and he was in The Shawshank Redemption not to mention "The Electric Company", so cut him some slack already and III. Thou Shalt Not Laugh At Poop Jokes In A PG-13 Rated Movie. Would I recommend this junk? Noah way.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Adding the Church of Scientology on your joint checking account

Numero Five-o: The 13th Warrior (Loss of over $94 million)

Nope, didn't see the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, or 12th Warrior, how can I be expected to jump right in at #13? Starring Antonio Badass as Anton Chigurh, this film proves its luck by actually making only $13.00 (Antonio took Melanie Griffith for a date at a $6.50 Sunday Matinee). What's it about? 12 warriors find a girl in the woods, then bring her back to their cottage, where an evil queen disguises herself as an old woman and poisons the girl and the warriors with an apple. It's up to the littlest warrior, #13, to kiss all 12 warriors and the girl in order to save them from eternal sleep. The movie was brought to a standstill when Warrior 13 got to Warrior 8 and proceed to sloppily make out with him for the next seventy minutes, totally forgetting Warriors 1-7 as well as the girl. What does it matter? It doesn't. It sucks.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Trading your cramped little Prius for a roomy Hummer

Numero Four-o: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (Loss of over $95 million)

Ok, now, don't be ridiculous. This is a family blog, so I can't really go into details on this one. Needless to say, you can order it yourself from On Demand Channel 504 for $11.99, or download it as a double-feature with "A Night In Paris". Pervert.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Investing in anything Internet related that doesn't have the name "Google" somewhere connected to it (Of course, this blog is hosted on Blogspot, which is a Google company, which means you are sure to become a multi-bazillionaire by sending me money at the email address listed in my profile. Seriously. And pass it on to 10 of your friends to send me money, too. In fact, if you don't, Jesus will come to your house and break your arms.)

Numero Three-o: The Adventures of Pluto Nash (Loss of Over $96 million)

With a great title like that, how could it go wrong! Just reading that title makes me want to rent the that I can break it in half with my bare hands like a ninja protecting the world from evil. That sound you hear is an American Indian crying for the trash that has been made of Eddie Murphy's career. I'm assuming that the plot synopsis goes something like this: Eddie Murphy plays a cartoon dog who buys a classic car and then has a series of comic misadventures while traveling cross-country, ending in him discovering that family is what is truly important in life. Randy Quaid co-stars as Cousin Eddie. As a sequel to the beloved Christmas classic, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Pluto Nash is running on empty. Anyone who watches this Pluto would have to be Goofy.

My Financial Disaster Rating: EuroDisney!

Numero Duo: Stealth (Loss of over $99 million)

A movie so secret, no one saw it! This pinnacle of puke stars the beauty of Jessica Biel, Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles (with a decidedly sick attempt at humor as he flies an airplane), No One, and No One Else. It has now become known, through the Freedom of Information Act (Both Acts 1 and 2, as well as the Intermission), that this was not even a movie, but an attempt by the neocons to trick the American public into financing a disastrously expensive, flawed airplane program that, in the end, sent Jaime Foxx's career down in flames somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan. Tragically, director Rob Cohen survived to direct Mummy, 1-47, including the most recent film, where Brendan Fraiser is actually older than the Mummy. Bombs away!

My Financial Disaster Rating: Investing your life savings in Beanie Babies

And, finally, finally, FINALLY...

Numero Uno: Town & Country (Loss of almost $100 million)

And I told my wife that the leather trim and those alloy-look wheel coversjust weren't worth it, that the Dodge Caravan was just perfectly fine. Oh well, it has to be better than being seen in a Pluto Nash.

My Financial Disaster Rating: A Third Term for George W. Bush

Well, that concludes my reviews of the Top 10 Money Losing Films of all times based on total dollar loss. Now I guess I had better go see what my wife has been screaming about. I mean, how else was I supposed to finish this blog post if I didn't call off work? She really needs to understand what is important in life. It's not like the electric bill is past due or that...what, honey? What? It is past due, and there are guys out back turning it off right now? Oh sh

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Comes in, because, the international hearing tries to occupy*

So I have noticed that our readership has recent decreased from 1 to 0. Even with my limited public education math skills, I know that this is a decrease of 100%, and 100% is quite a lot. In fact, I never thought that my blog would have 100% anything, at least not without cheating off of the blog next to it (and, considering that the blog next to it is 'Hot Asian Cuties', I don't know that cheating off of it is necessarily a good idea- like cheating off of the stoner in the back row who shows up once a quarter just because he got so stoned, he forgot to run when the truant officer came knocking). So, basically, 100% is a lot. So, after consulting with a panel of experts (including such well respected individuals as myself and my dog; my wife was at the grocery store at the time and, therefore, forfeited her vote, as well as any consulting fee), I decided that this 100% drop was not based on the fact that nothing new has been posted here since April, but more so because, despite the best effort of Google to translate this thing, the Frog Blog just doesn't appeal to the international audience. Therefore, in a cheap attempt at attracting more traffic to this dusty space, I will now post this paragraph in numerous languages, a virtual tour of the International Internets, or, as the French would say, "autour de mon épouse". At least, that's what my translating program says is "around the world". With no further ado, I now turn the Frog Blog into the UN of film criticism, where Jennifer Connelly acts as Secretary General and never a star is given.

First, Spanish:

He notado tan que nuestro número total de lectores tiene reciente disminuido a partir de la 1 a 0. Incluso con mis habilidades limitadas de la matemáticas de la enseñanza pública, sé que ésta es una disminución de 100%, y 100% estoy bastante. De hecho, nunca pensé que mi blog tendría 100% cualquier cosa, por lo menos no sin el engaño apagado del blog al lado de él (y, considerando que el blog al lado de él es ' Asiático caliente Cuties' , I don' t sabe que el engaño apagado de él es necesariamente una buena idea como el engaño apagado de la deshuesadora en la fila trasera que aparece una vez un cuarto apenas porque él consiguió así que empedró, él olvidó funcionar cuando vino el oficial del truant golpeando). Así pues, básicamente, 100% está mucho. Así pues, después de consultar con un grupo de expertos (tales incluyendo pozo - individuos respetados como mismo y mi perro; mi esposa estaba en el colmado en ese entonces y, por lo tanto, perdido su voto, así como cualquier honorario asesor), decidía que esta gota del 100% no fue basada en el hecho que nada nuevo se ha fijado aquí desde abril, pero más tan porque, a pesar de el mejor esfuerzo de Google para traducir esta cosa, el blog apenas doesn' de la rana; súplica de t a la audiencia internacional. Por lo tanto, en una tentativa barata en la atracción de más tráfico a este espacio polvoriento, ahora fijaré este párrafo en idiomas numerosas, un viaje virtual de los Internet internacionales, o, como el francés diría, " épouse" de autour de lunes;. O, por lo menos, that' s qué mi programa que traduce dice es " en todo el mundo ". Sin dificultad adicional, ahora doy vuelta al blog de la rana en la O.N.U de las críticas de la película, donde actúa Jennifer Connelly mientras que nunca dan el secretario general y una estrella.

Now, with a few clicks of my mouse, let us invite our French cousins to break baguette with us by translating the above paragraph into French:

J'ai remarqué tellement que notre nombre total de lecteurs a handicapé récent à partir de la 1 à à 0. Même avec mes habilités limitées de de ce qui est mathématiques de l'enseignement public, je sais que celle-ci est une diminution de de 100%, et 100% je suis assez. De fait, je n'ai jamais pensé que mon blog aurait 100% toute chose, au moins non sans la tromperie éteinte du blog à côté de lui (et, en considérant que le blog à côté de lui est ' ; Asiatique il réchauffe Cuties' ; , I don' ; t sait que la tromperie éteinte de de lui est nécessairement une bonne idée comme la tromperie éteinte du dénoyauteur dans la file arrière qui apparaît une fois une place à peine parce qu'il a obtenu ainsi qu'empedró, il a oublié fonctionner quand est venu le fonctionnaire du truant frapper). Par conséquent, principalement, 100% est beaucoup. Par conséquent, après avoir consulté un groupe d'experts (tels en incluant puits - individus respectés comme même et mon chien ; mon conjoint était dans celui comblé dans celui-là alors et, par conséquent, perdu son vote, ainsi que tous honoraires consultatifs), décidaient que cette baisse de de 100% n'a pas été basée le fait qui nage nouveau s'est ici fixé depuis avril, mais plus tellement parce que, malgré le meilleur effort de Google pour traduire cette chose, le blog à peine doesn' ; de la grenouille ; requ7te de t à l'audition internationale. Par conséquent, dans une tentative bon marché dans l'attraction de davantage de trafic à cet espace poussiéreux, je fixerai maintenant ce paragraphe dans des langues nombreuses, un voyage virtuel de l'Internet internationaux, ou, comme le français il dirait, " ; épouse" ; d'autour de lundi ;. OU, au moins, that' ; s ce que mon programme qu'il traduit dit est " ; partout dans le monde " ;. Sans difficulté additionnelle, je donne maintenant retour au blog de la grenouille dans l'O.N.U des critiques du film, où agit Jennifer Connelly tandis que ne donnent jamais le secrétaire général et une étoile.

In the interest of world peace, as well as desperation for blog hits, let us now try Russian:

J' замечено так много что наш полный число читателей имеет недавнюю с ограниченными возможностями персону от 1 с до 0. Даже при мои способности ограничиваемые что математически l' государственное образование, я знаю что это одно уменьшение 100%, и 100% я достаточно. В действительности, I n' всегда подумал что мой блог будет иметь 100% любая вещь, хотя бы не без потухшего очковтирательства блога около его (и, путем рассмотрение что блог около его ' ; Азиат он нагрюет Cuties' ; , I don' ; T знает что потухшее очковтирательство к ему обязательно хорошая идея как потухшее очковтирательство denoyautor в комплекте предшествующих номеров который появляется parce qu' места раз едва ли; он получил qu' таким образом; empedró, он забыл действовать когда пришел государственный служащий от truant, котор нужно поразить). Следовательно, главным образом, 100% много. Следовательно, позже советующ с d' группа; специалисты (такие путем включать наилучшим образом - индивидуалов уважаемых как такие же и моя собака; мое супруг находилось в том заполненном внутри что одно после этого и впоследствии потеряло свой вотум, как все комиссионные за консультацию и совет), решило что это падение 100% n' факт не был основан который плавает новое s' фиксирует здесь с Эйприл, но так много потому что, несмотря на самое лучшее усилие Google перевести эту вещь, блог едва ли doesn' ; лягушка; requ7te t к l' международный слух. Следовательно, в дешевой попытке в l' привлекательность больше движения к этому пылевоздушному космосу, я теперь зафиксирую этот параграф в много языков, фактически рейс l' International интернета, или, как франчуз оно сказал бы, " ; épouse" ; d' вокруг понедельник;. ИЛИ, хотя бы, that' ; S что моя программа qu' оно переводит как " ; везде в мире " ;. Без дополнительного затруднения, я теперь даю для того чтобы возвратить к лягушке блога в l' O.N.U критиков пленки, где Дженнифер Connelly действует пока никогда не давайте генеральный секретарь и звезду.

Now, although they started two (count 'em) World Wars, we can still offer to lift a stein to our German brothers and sisters:

J' beachtet soviel, dass unser komplettes die Zahl Lesern neues mit der begrenzten Möglichkeitperson von 1 s bis 0. sogar mit meinen Fähigkeiten hat, begrenzte das mathematisch von l' Unterrichtswesen, weiß ich, dass diese eine Abnahme um 100% und 100% ich genügend sind. In der Wirklichkeit I n' dachte immer, dass mein [Blog] 100% jede mögliche Sache hat, mindestens nicht ohne ausgestorbenen Betrug [bloga] nahe ihm (und, durch Weise die Prüfung der von [Blog] nahe seinem ' ; Asiatisch es [nagryuet] Cuties' ; , I don' ; T kennt diesen ausgestorbenen Betrug zu ihm obligatorisch eine gute Idee als ausgestorbener Betrug von denoyautor im kompletten Satz der vorhergehenden Zahlen, die er parce von qu' aussieht; der Ort von Zeiten kaum; er erreichte qu' so; empedró, vergaß er, als zu fungieren es Zivilmittel vom Truant ankam, es war, welches notwendige zu schlagen). Infolgedessen 100% hauptsächlich ist es viel. Infolgedessen ist es später als [sovetuyushch] von d' Gruppe; Fachleute (so durch Weise, auf die beste Art einzuschließen - Einzelpersonen respektiert als die selben und mein Hund; mein Ehemann war in dem gefülltes Innere, das eins, nachdem dieses und nachher verloren seiner Abstimmung, als alle Beratungsgebühr), dass dieser Tropfen 100% n' löste; Tatsache basierte nicht, der es neues s' schwimmt; sie regelt hier mit April, aber also ist viel weil, trotz der Bemühung von Google besser, diese Sache kaum zu bringen, [Blog] doesn' ; Frosch; requ7te t bis l' internationales Gerücht. Infolgedessen im preiswerten Versuch in l' Reiz ist mehr, als Bewegung zu diesem staubigen Raum, ich jetzt diesen Punkt in viele Sprachen, wirklich die Reise von l' regelt; International des Internets oder als [franchuz] es würde, " sagen; ; épouse" ; d' ganz um Montag;. ODER mindestens that' ; S dieses mein Programm von qu' es bringt als " ; überall im Welt" ;. Ohne die zusätzliche Schwierigkeit gebe ich jetzt, um zum Frosch von [bloga] in l' zurückzukommen; O.N.U der Kritiker des Filmes, in dem durch Jennifer Connelly Taten bis jetzt nie Generalsekretärstern geben.

And since, I'm sure, very shortly, they will probably own this blog, or at least be producing a knock-off version of it, we, like the Olympics, will face east to our Chinese friends:

J' 著名一样我們的有完全數字讀者新以從1 s的有限的可能性人到0。甚而與我的能力的事實從l'數學上限制了; 我知道教育這些在100%和100% I.附近是充足的減退。 在現實中我n' 總是認為我[博克] 100%有每件可能的事,不至少,不用成為的绝種欺騙[bloga]關閉它(和,由方式[博克]關閉的考試它的' ; 亞洲人它[nagryuet] Cuties' ; I don' ; T知道這成為绝種欺騙對它必須一個好想法作为denoyautor成為的绝種欺騙在先的數字的完整集的,他qu' parce; 看; 堅硬时期地方; 它到達了qu' 如此; empedró,他,起作用它何時到達了玩忽職守者的民用手段,忘記它是觸擊,必要)。 结果100%主要是它。 结果從d'比[sovetuyushch];; 小組; 專家(如此由方式包括在最佳的種類-作為同樣和我的狗的個體尊敬; 我的丈夫是由于作為這下落100% n'的所有咨询费被填裝裡面,團結,在和它之後失去了這它的选票之後); 解決; 事實未根據,那它新的s' 游泳; 它調控這裡與4月,但是因而是,因為,儘管googles努力更好,這件事幾乎不帶來, [博克] doesn' ; 青蛙; requ7te t到l' 國際謠言。 结果在l'的低廉嘗試; 吸引力比對這個多灰塵的區域的運動現在是更多, I這點入許多語言,真正地旅途l' 調控; 國際互聯網或作为[franchuz]它,一" 說; ; épouse" ; d' 完全地在星期一附近;。 或者至少that' ; qu'這個我的節目S; 它帶來作為" ; 到處在Welt" ;。 沒有另外的困難我給,現在青蛙[bloga]在l' 返回; 影片的評論家的O.N.U,由詹尼弗・ Connelly行動到現在不要給秘書長星。

And, finally, since it is always good to come back home again, we'll jam that paragraph through one more translation, back to English:

J' Renowned we have the complete digital reader equally newly by from 1 s limited possible person to 0. Even and my ability fact from l' In mathematics limited; I knew that educates these nearby 100% and 100% I. is the sufficient decrease. In reality my n' Always thought that I [Bork] 100% have each possible matter, not at least, does not need into to become extinct deceives [bloga] to close it (and, [Bork] closes by the way takes a test its ' ; Asian it [nagryuet] Cuties' ; I don' ; T knew that this becomes becomes extinct the deceit to a good idea become to it as denoyautor becomes extinct the deceit in the first digital complete collection, his qu' parce; Looking at; Hard time place; It arrived at qu' So; empedró, did he, when have an effect it to arrive at the being derelict civil method, forgot that it was strikes, necessity). The result 100% are mainly it. Result from d' Compared to [sovetuyushch]; ; Group; The expert (so including - takes same and my dog's individual respect by the way in the best type; My husband is because takes this whereabouts 100% n' Inside all consultation spend are filled, unity, in has lost this its ballot afterward after it); Solution; The fact has not acted according to, then its new s' Swimming; It regulates here with April, but therefore is, because, although googles is diligently better, this matter does not bring nearly, [Bork] doesn' ; Frog; requ7te t to l' International rumor. Result in l' Inexpensive attempt; The attraction compared to this dust's region's movement now is more, I this enters many languages, truly journey l' Regulation; The internet or takes [franchuz] it, " Saying; ; épouse" ; d' Completely nearby Monday; . Or at least that' ; qu' This my program S; It brings takes " ; Everywhere in Welt" ; . Other difficulty I have not given, now frog [bloga] in l' Returns; Movie critic's O.N.U, moves from Jennifer Connelly to the present do not give secretary the comet.

Ah, if that is not poetry existing in international harmony, I don't know what is. It's a small world after all. I think this goes for once and for all to prove the one universal fact: "Jennifer Connelly" in any language, translates as "amazingly gorgeous".

As I always say, "Tuna whacks over spotted orange meat on [Bork Bork]".

Until we meet again in three months or so, arrivederci!

*The title was originally "The entry in which I attempt to appeal to an international audience" translated into Spanish then French then German then back to English then to Chinese then back to English, quite effectively, I might add, if I may say so myself.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Recipes of the Ignorant

It has been brought to my attention (by a hideously obese person, none-the-less) that many of you are becoming hungry while waiting for a new post to appear on this blog. Fear not, hungry eyes, the Frog Blog will come to your recipe with a variety of quick and easy to prepare (if not to digest) recipes:

Bagel with Mayonnaise

Take one bagel (if you do not have a bagel, a doughnut will work. If you do not have a doughnut, a piece of bread with the corners cut off and a hole punched in the middle will work. If you do not have a piece of bread, God bless you). Take a jar (or a tub, or a squeeze tube, or 3 packets stolen from Subway) of mayonnaise. Squeeze the mayonnaise on the bagel and smear it around. Eat.

This easy and economical recipe has the benefit of looking a little like cream cheese on a bagel, especially if you close your eyes and swallow it fast without chewing. If you want to simulate lox, pick up a couple of feeder goldfish from your local pet store (usually 10 cents or less) and slap them on top of the mayonnaise.

Bagel with Chips

Take one bagel. Spread something sticky on it, such as butter or butter-flavor Crisco or canned cake icing or whatever sticky substance you have available (NOT SOAP!). Take a handful of chips and crunch them up. Sprinkle this on the bagel. Eat.

Try your own combinations and become, as the French say, le gourmet. Corn chips and salsa on a bagel, potato chips and French Onion Dip on a bagel, cereal and maple syrup on a bagel; the combinations are endless. Make a large batch of the best combinations and share with the seniors at the local home.

Bagel with bagel

This is a little slice of delicious I like to call "Bagel on Bagel action". Take one bagel. Open it (CAREFUL! KNIVES MAY HAVE POINTY EDGES!) Take a second bagel. Put it inside the first. Close the bagel. Eat.

If one bagel is good, two bagels are bageltacular!

Bagel with beer

Find a container (plug up the sink if nothing else is available). Set your bagel in the container. Pour as much beer as it takes to cover the bagel. Allow to sit until you can no longer stand it. Eat the bagel, with a fork or a spoon if you want to demonstrate manners. Drink the beer, enjoying the little bits of bagels floating in it.

For this recipe, might I suggest a fine 2007 Old Milwaukee. Dig all the way to the back of the 'fridge and you may find one.

Jennifer Connelly with butter sauce

Locate a picture of Jennifer Connelly on the Internets. Print this picture. Smear butter on the picture. Lick the picture until the ink stains your tongue or you wear a hole in your cheap, Office Max paper. Repeat as necessary.


Locate a can of soup. Open (This can be trickier than it sounds. You may need to bash it against something if no can opener is available. If necessary, you can punch a hole in the can with a screwdriver and suck the soup out. Firearms should only be used as a last resort or if really bored.) Drink the soup. If it is really thick or you want seconds, drink only half the can of soup, add some water, then resume drinking.

Watch your soup choices. If that girl in the park that you want to impress sees you sucking "Dora the Explorer" noodle soup out of a hole you punched in the side of a soup can, you may not get to first base. Instead, choose something that sounds fancy, like Long Grain Risotto. Likewise, if your parents are coming over, impress them with a nice can of Chunky Vegetable. Don't cheap out with Cream of Mushroom- save this to give to the old people during your annual visit to the local home (and, with no teeth, Cream of Mushroom slides down the throat with minimal gum-slapping).

Cake Mix Milkshake

So, you are more thirsty than hungry? Try this scrumptious sweet treat!

Take one box of cake mix. Pour some water into it. Shake well. Drink, straight from the box if no other container is available. (But be fast! Cardboard leaks.) If it is too thick, get a spoon and pretend like it is an upscale milkshake.

Try other liquid combinations. Milk and chocolate cake mix makes a delicious Oreo shake. Beer and German Chocolate mix is an Oktoberfest tradition. Orange juice and carrot cake mix is a favorite of the Oompa Loompas. And Red Velvet mix and a Bloody Mary is a sinful way to drink a cake mix milkshake like the wealthy.

Bouillabaise a la Sauce Rouille*
*on a bagel

Stew ingredients:3 pounds of at least 3 different kinds of fish fillets, fresh or quick frozen (thaw first)1/2 cup Olive oil1-2 pounds of Oysters, clams, or mussels1 cup cooked shrimp, crab, or lobster meat, or rock lobster tails1 cup thinly sliced onions4 Shallots, thinly sliced OR the white parts of 2 or 3 leeks, thinly sliced2 cloves garlic, crushed1 large tomato, chopped, or 1/2 cup canned tomatoes1 sweet red pepper, chopped4 stalks celery, thinly sliced2-inch slice of fennel or 1 Tbsp teaspoon of fennel seed3 sprigs fresh thyme or 3/4 teaspoon dried thyme1 bay leaf2-3 whole cloves Zest of half an orange1/2 teaspoon powdered saffron2 teaspoons salt1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper1 cup clam juice or fish broth2 Tbps lemon juice 2/3 cup white wine Sliced French bread
1 Heat 1/4 cup of the olive oil in a large (6-qt) saucepan. When it is hot, add onions and shallots (or leeks). Saute for a minute, then add crushed garlic (more or less to taste), and sweet red pepper. Add tomato, celery, and fennel. Stir the vegetables into the oil with a wooden spoon until well coated. Then add another 1/4 cup of olive oil, thyme, bay leaf, cloves and the orange zest. Cook until the onion is soft and golden but not brown.
2 Cut fish fillets into 2-inch pieces. Add the pieces of fish and 2 cups of water to the vegetable mixture. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer, uncovered, for about 10 minutes. Add oysters, clams or mussels (though these may be omitted if desired) and shrimp, crab meat or lobster tails, cut into pieces or left whole.
3 Add saffron, salt, pepper. Add clam juice, lemon juice, and white wine. Bring to a simmer again and cook about 5 minutes longer.
4 At serving time taste and correct the seasoning of the broth, adding a little more salt or pepper if need be, and maybe a touch of lemon juice. Into each soup bowl place a thick slice of crusty French bread, plain or slightly toasted. Spoon the bouillabaisse over the bread. If desired, serve with Sauce Rouille. Serves 6.

To prepare the Sauce Rouille:

1 Tbsp hot fish stock or clam broth.2 cloves peeled garlic1 small red hot pepper1/2 teaspoon salt1/4 cup soft white bread, pulled into bits1/2 cup olive oil
Put hot fish stock or clam broth into the bottom of a blender. Add garlic and red hot pepper, salt and bread. Blend until very smooth. With the blender still running, add olive oil slowly and stop the blending as soon as the oil disappears.
At serving time pass Rouille in a little bowl along with the bouillabaisse. Each serving is about 1/2 a teaspoon that you stir into your soup.

Finally, dump the whole damn mess on a bagel.


Call a pizza place. Order a pizza. Wait. When it arrives, pay quick and slam the door to avoid giving the delivery guy a tip. Eat out of the box. If any extra remains, you may later pry it from the box (a little cardboard stuck to the cheese only adds additional fiber) the next morning.

If entertainment is desired while eating, call about 10 other pizza places and have them delivered to the neighbor's house. Watch this out of the peephole while eating your pizza.

Hopefully, these delicious recipes will tide you over while you wait with baited breath (or, if you are eating lox, with bait breath) until I post my next movie post, which is coming soon. And, of course, by soon, I mean within the next six to nine months.

And, if you are still hungry, you may always try this. If you do, May God Have Mercy on Your Soul.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Reviews of the Ignorant: Thanking the Academy Edition

Well, here we are folks, back for the 1st Annual 2008 Academy Awards ignorant review. I'd like to thank the dancing Snow Whites for that beautiful musical number based on the score for "3:10 to Yuma" (Yuma? Ima. Ima. Uma.). Considering that I have not seen any of the best picture nominees, or any of the nominees for best actor, best actress, best supporting actor, best supporting actress, or best director (not to mention best art direction, best costume design, best foreign language film, or best short live action or animated, or best adapted screenplay), I feel I am particularly ignorant in my comments on the upcoming awards ceremony. (I will mention that I do have a solid pick in sound editing, which would be a film sadly overlooked for best picture, or at least best picture based on a line of toys: "Transformers". Those "whrrrr-rrrr-rrreet!" sounds of the robots changing into GM vehicles make this a shoe-in. If there was a category for best ass-kicking robots, I think we all know what film's name would be in that envelope.) However, I sit down to write this with a heavy heart. This is not only due to the fact that I just ate an entire bowl of Bac-O's covered in blue cheese dressing. It is also because, well, when it comes to these awards, no real person outside of LA or parts of New York, including me, really cares.

Now don't get me wrong, here. I know, I know, ABC has told us again and again that this is the most important thing on television in the month of February, and we should all be grateful that the writer's strike has ended so that we can again hear excruciatingly lame jokes while dozing off to excruciatingly boring acceptance speeches. In fact, if you go to the "Official" website, you can see that you only have to wait 2 days 19:19:54 ( 47...) before your dull, grey life is visited by the gold-plated Ken doll of filmatic honor. And I appreciate a great film, which, of course, I define as having one or more of the following: 1) running time of less than 90 minutes, B) explosions, robots, and/or exploding robots, III) Jennifer Connelly, 4th) the ability to transport you and teach you to see something in your own life differently. And there are a lot of great films that have that. Heck, some of the films nominated for an Oscar may even have one or more of these things (although I, shamefully, do not see a "Jennifer" + a "Connelly" listed anywhere. I'm going to assume this is just a result of the writer's strike preventing her name from being written.) So, yeah, run with it and honor them, Hollywood. More power to you.

I also understand the need, in the wet winter month between the Super Bowl and March Madness, to find something to, shall we say, place gentlemanly wagers on. I'm all for gentlemanly wagers. To assist with that, I have provided a comprehensive list of the guaranteed winners in the following post (and, of course, by 'guaranteed' I mean 'not guaranteed'). So wager away, gentleman. Just save a few dollars for March.

No, my ennui, as they would say in "Les Mozart Des Pickpockets", one of the films nominated for Best Live Action Short Film, is based primarily on the self-importance of the whole thing. When it comes down to it, no one really cares about Best Swollen Forehead Visual Effect or Best Costume That Allows Boobs to Be Visible But Still Covered Enough for a PG-13 or even Best Picture. Life goes on. Yet we are told repeatedly by all media that this is equal to the war that I think is still going on in Iraq, even though I haven't seen any news on it for a few months, or the 2008 Presidential Election. We are provided with ballots to make our own picks, bombarded with dresses and "red carpet" critiques, even treated to a second by second countdown via the website (now 2 days, 19:01:35...32...28...) All of this is overkill, and relates very little to the real life of the people in flyover country.

Every quarter, my place of employment calls all employees who haven't called in sick that day down to the cafeteria where a few of our number are called up to the podium and recognized for some accomplishment or other (as in "Best Excuse for Calling in Sick" or "Most Creative Use of the Copier") While these employees don't get to give an acceptance speech (in fact, they usually just look embarrassed and kind of twitchy in their desire to sit back down) and they usually get a $5 coupon to Subway rather than a golden statue and not only does no one care what the other employees wore to work that day ("And here is Thompson from HR, looking stunning in a creative ensemble of a blue shirt and a pair of khakis"), the goal is no different than the goal of the Academy Awards. And, like the Academy Awards, no one really cares who gets recognized anyway. The difference between the Academy Awards and my work's Cafeteria Awards is that no one tries and pretends that the Cafeteria Awards are important. We understand it is just another lame attempt to get through another day without performing so poorly that there is no excuse not to fire us and force the company to try and find someone else who can pass a pee test. Yet we are told the Academy Awards are important, we should listen to the endless, masturbatory congratulations and half-informed political diatribes ("And I'd like to dedicate this statue to the people of Darfur. I understand you may have just had your hands and feet cut off, so here I stand, holding this for you. Stop the madness, world, stop the madness. And stop global warming, too."), we should follow with intense interest who is wearing what and walking with whom down the red carpet, even though there is little separating this awards ceremony and the slightly more greasy one held in the employee cafeteria. The Oscars are the "most important night in show biz". To that I respond as they would in the Best Animated Feature Film Nominee "Ratatouille" with a resounding "Bull-merde".

I'm going to send an email to ABC and let them know that the Cafeteria Awards at my work are usually around 1 pm on the first Thursday of the month, see if they can come out and broadcast it around the world. At the same time, I'll email the E! Network to let them know they may want to be there around 12:55, to catch all the excitement of the employees walking down the black, non-skid mat to find a seat where they are least likely to be seen dozing off. Watch your local listing for that.

Meanwhile, I was going to write an ignorant review for each of the best picture nominees, but I really don't have any interest in any of them any more than anyone has any interest in reading my blog about any of them, so, instead, I'm going to go through each of the top three categories and compare a leading nominee to a real-life equivalent, see who comes out on top. This should be fun. Or, if not fun, it at least should be long.

Race #1: Best Actress

Ellen Page in "Juno" vs Tamika Rollands in "Pregnant Teen"

Ellen Page is the adorable pregnant teen we all love as she struggles with hard decisions, including finding a family who will love and support her unborn child. This quirky comedy is a feel-good slice of life. Tamika Rollands is the despised pregnant teen who was raped at a house party by six of her brother's drug connections, thrown out of the house by her mother, has now dropped out of school, and is supporting herself through prostitution. This dirty tragedy is ended when Tamika is sliced across the face by a knife and left to die behind the swingset of a neighborhood park.

Winner: Ellen Page! Because we all know that the Academy Awards are the most important thing.
Loser: Tamika Rollands! No one likes an irresponsible teen who selfishly burdens the welfare system.

Race #2: Best Actor

George Clooney in "Michael Clayton" vs the town of White Top, WV in "Drinking Carcinogous Plastic"

Playing a corporate lawyer, the ever-charming George Clooney works hard to clean up dirty cases. But, when he realizes he may be playing for the wrong side, he sees how dirty his former corporate friends can be and finds his own life is on the line! This relevant and thought-provoking thriller will leave you on the edge of your seat! Meanwhile, in the dying mountain town of White Top, the only employer is a multi-billion dollar plastic manufacturer who, rather than pay hundreds of millions of dollars to properly dispose of carcinogous waste, is able to increase the bottom line by paying a few million dollar fine to the EPA every year and continue to dump the by-product into the Wanahatchee River, the only source of water for the town. Faced with the choice of destroying the primary source of income by driving the plastics manufacturer out of town (the CEO has already advised the City Council that, if any legal action is taken, the town of Hatchet Springs, about 50 miles north, has agreed to provide a 100 year tax abatement) or continuing to ingest water that has led to a cancer rate 200 times the national average, the town of White Top does the only thing they can do- they die! And their children die! And the executives of the plastics manufacturer drink only bottled water when they tour the plant once a year.

Winner: George Clooney! Because the Academy Awards are the most important night of the year!
Losers: The citizens of White Top, WV! Because they're dead AND soon to be unemployed when the plastics manufacturer moves the plant to Hatchet Springs anyhow. And they're still dead, because the carcinogenic waste stays in the water for 2000 years plus Hatchet Springs is upriver and it will still collect in the White Top reservoir. And no corporate lawyer will take the case anyway because the plaintiffs are both poor and dead.

Race #3: Best Picture

"No Country For Old Men" vs "Dead John Doe" vs "Unnamed Mexican Family"

What a thrilling three-way race! In the grand "No Country For Old Men", the Coens do it again, bringing stylized violence and intense storytelling to this tale of vengeance and danger in the drug traffic along the US-Mexican border. Filled with thrilling performances, stunning scenery, and an intense yet tranquil story, this film is the best Coen Brothers work in years! Dead John Doe is approximately 48 years old and, although his body is so badly decomposed when found lying in a ditch behind a public library that he cannot be identified, police will never learn the truth of his non-thrilling, non-stunning life. Living with a never-diagnosed schizophrenia, "John", or, as his mother called him when he was a boy, Steven DuChamp, started doing drugs when he was 14, selling them when he was 16, and was homeless and addicted by 17. Bouncing in and out of jail, including 2 years in prison for burglary, John ends up beaten and strangled by his own nephew as a result of a missing $20 bill from a drug sale. He's buried in a single grave at the county's expense along with two other unclaimed, unidentified bodies. Finally, Unnamed Mexican Family consists of a father, a mother, and four kids, including an infant of less than 9 months old, who, struggling to escape an oppressive government and non-existent opportunity in their native country, pay almost four months wages to two men who promise to get them to San Corina, California, where there are plenty of jobs picking strawberries for $1.20 an hour. Instead the men lock them in the back of a box truck for almost two days with no food or water during the hottest January on record with daily temperatures of almost 101 degrees. Finally, after two days of living hell, including witnessing the death of their baby, the family is released from the truck, where the father is promptly beaten and robbed and the mother repeatedly raped in front of her children by the men who were supposed to be helping them. The entire family is left in the desert to die, only to be picked up a day later by border patrol and taken back to Mexico, where the father is promptly put in a Mexican jail and never seen again. And the body of the infant is never found and assumed eaten by coyotes.

Winner: "No Country For Old Men"! Stunning cinematography and edgy direction make this a deep and unforgettable classic. Plus, the Academy Awards are the most important thing.

Loser: "John Doe"! How hard is it to get a job? There are plenty of jobs, honestly!

Super-losers: Unnamed Mexican Family! There are right ways to come to the U.S. and wrong ways to come to the U.S. If you play with fire, you are bound to get burned. Or eaten by coyotes.

My Rating: 2008 Academy Awards- 0 Stars for assuming that someone who's home is in foreclosure and scheduled to be auctioned next week cares what Keira Knightley is wearing, or that the 85 year old who has just had her pension cancelled and been forced into a Medicare drug program finds news of the Vanity Fair After-party entertaining.

However, in the Cafeteria Awards, I am proud to report I, myself, am the recipient of a solid paper $5 Subway coupon for "Best Acting at Being Busy While Typing a Blog Posting at Work".

Enjoy the Oscars, really. But just keep in mind that it is not the most important night of the year and most definitely not worth counting down (2 days 17:43:00...58...55). It is really just an expensive employee recognition program.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Reviews of the Ignorant: Valentine's Day Massacree Edition

Ahhhhh, here it is again, Valentine's Day, and the smell of latex and penicillin fills the air. Or maybe that's the smell of landfill being packed with unwanted and unsold cards. Whatever it is, there sure is something stinky in the air today, and, despite a writer's strike that I really hoped would stop the flow of new movies being released, I'm afraid the odor may not, as I first suspected, be again coming from my dog, but instead may be eminating from the local gigantoplex. Considering that Valentine's Day may be your first chance to get in the pants of your significant other since the champagne and horse tranquilizers of New Year's Eve, you don't want to blow it. Or, maybe you do. Whatever your preference, though, you cannot afford to strike out on Valentine's Day by following a well thought out candlelight dinner at White Castle with some celluoid tumor like "Saw XIX". So what's a caring and sensitive individual to do? Why, of course! Click your bookmark for the Frog Blog and read a few uninformed opinions of current date films that I've never seen! Why before you know it, the panties will be flying like a Tom Jones concert in the Victoria's Secret factory! Read on, fellow lovers, to find out what films work like licorice spiked with Spanish Fly and what films to avoid like an oozing herpes sore. In the words of the wise, wise Greek philosopher, Necco, "I'm Yours. Hot Stuff. Be Mine. Kiss Kiss. You're Cool. Sweet Heart. Be True. True Love. I'm Hooked. Hug Me."

(In the spirit of the season, all reviews in this post will include a final "Oyster" rating, indicating how many slurpy mollusks must be consumed to get back in the mood after viewing these filmatic chastity belts- therefore, the higher the Oyster rating, the worse the film is at setting the stage for romance, and the more likely your special someone will spend the night in the restroom, sick from undercooked seafood.)

Definitely, Maybe

Actually, on second thought, maybe not, definitely not. I feel a little bad about picking on this movie, like the time my friend threw books at that younger kid in school (and, of course, by "my friend" I mean me, and, by "younger kid", I mean my sister and by "books", I mean large pieces of concrete, but enough about me). Someone is going to come along and say, "Aw, that film is sweet and sentimental and you are just a bully who has no love in his heart." And, while that all may be true (except the idea that I even have a heart, because, as we have learned, you gotta have one to have an attack), it would be a lot easier to listen to this argument if the movie didn't stink like last years roses. I mean, break it down: Ryan Reynolds has that George W. Bush smirk thing going on, where he always seems right on the verge of cracking up at something that he finds funny, like handicapped people or foreclosure, but the rest of us just aren't priveledged enough to laugh at. That smirk alone would be enough to make me puke up my chocolates. There's Rachel Weisz, who is a way better actress than this kind of crap, plus she can sometimes look hot (although she can sometimes look like she o'd on prednisone, too). Add into this a cute kid with mommy issues and you have a film guaranteed to make your man grow breasts and start lactating and your woman to expect better from you. All in all, no good to come from this. This is a date film that would be best enjoyed blind, and deaf, too, if you can swing it.

Plus, that title! My eyes, my eyes! Obviously, the movie was wrapped without a title when the writer's strike hit, because if anyone wrote this title, they should have their fingers cut off to protect the rest of us. I know it's early in the year, but if this isn't a contender for the "Worst Title" Academy Award, I'll eat this entire blog, as well as the blog that follows (unless it's a Chinese blog selling knock-off Nintendo Wiis, which gives me indigestion).

Oyster Rating: Ten thousand oysters, plus $50

Fool's Gold

Of course, if you decide to take a date to this disaster, I guess we know who the fool is, don't we? I liked this movie better when it was called "The Deep" and starred Jacqueline Bisset, Jacqueline Bisset's boobs, and a wet, white T-shirt. Nothing against Kate Hudson, but she doesn't have the boobs to fill the cups of Jacqueline Bisset. Heck, she doesn't have the boobs to fill the cups of Jack Black. She may not even have boobs. If you are going to parade an attractive starlett around in a bikini, at least make it a starlett who has had the foresight to buy a set of C's. Kate is really, really cute, but cute in a fluffy bunny kind of way. The last time I dressed a fluffy bunny up in a bikini, I landed in court with an order to stay at least 1000 feet away from the pet shop. And then, Matthew McConaughey- oy, what a mess! At least he was interesting high, playing bongos naked. As a half-naked treasure hunter without a bongo in sight, no thanks.

The plot? Who really cares. There's some treasure hunting, and some "Romancing the Stone" kind of bickering, and whatever. The real point is that you have a sober Matthew McConaughey and a pre-pubescent Kate Hudson trying to make anyone care if they are in love or if they find gold or if it really would have been a better idea to go see "Cloverfield" again. If you really want gold this Valentine's Day, do what I do: take your special someone to the closest mall jewelry store and let him or her look through the windows at all the jewelry you'd by them if they'd quit wasting all your money on crappy movies like "Fool's Gold".

Oyster Rating: One hundred thousand oysters, brought up inside lost treasure chests, plus a box of Russell Stover's deluxe buttercream assortment plus a 14K gold-dipped rose plus $50.

27 Dresses

Ok, already. The film is called "27 Dresses". Is there anyone out there who can, definitely or maybe, tell me they have any interest in this? I'd rather watch my wife try on 27 dresses than watch this movie ("Yes, honey, I really like the blue one, too. No, honey, I don't think the sleeveless one makes your arms look fat. No, honey, I don't think your sister has the same dress..."). I'd rather try on 27 dresses than watch this movie. Plot? Do you really care? Something about being the bridesmaid at 27 weddings and a funeral, and getting free dresses, then using these to try and blackmail your hit TV show into giving you more money. I think Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz made this same movie then, and I didn't want to watch it then, so why would I watch the reheated version staring the incredibly, annoyingly self-important Katherine Heigl? At least Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz come across as having a sense of humor. Katherine Heigl comes across as being a mildly cute chick who thinks she's a majorly cute chick and should be paid more to boot. "Hi, my name is Katherine Heigl and, while I should be licking the feet of Judd Apatow for putting me in his "Knocked Up" flick and actually making anyone want to see anthing I've done, instead I'm going to bad mouth that film as sexist and walk off the set of "Grey's Anatomy" as if I'm the reason anyone watches that show and then all of your little people can bow down to my blonde greatness and if you don't, I'm going to tell my mommy." Oh, shut up. As soon as this crappy film sees a gross of it's budget divided by 27, you can go back to where you belong, making sequels to "Chucky" movies and Hallmark Channel snoozefests. I hope you kept one of those dresses, Katherine Heigl. From here on out, it's off the rack of TJ Maxx for you.

Did I mention James Marsden? Yeah, well, not going to, either.

This isn't a date movie, it's a prune movie. See this with someone you love, especially if you want them to stop loving you. On second thought, if you just want somewhere dark to make out while everyone else is asleep, this may be just the film to see.

Oyster Rating: 27 billion, quadrillion oysters, plus several Roofies, plus $50

The Eye

As in, what you will want to claw out after you watch this. Ok, not really a date movie, but, if anything could get a heterosexual male or a homosexual female in the mood, it would have to be Jessica Alba. But Jessica, what bad agents you must have. That "Fantastic Four" garbage, not once, but twice? That prequel to "Fools Gold" where you run around The Movie Channel for 110 minutes in a bikini? A movie with Dane Cook? With DANE COOK!!!. Help me to understand! You go from "Sin City" to "The Fantastic Four" and Dane Cook movies! And now remakes of Asian horror! I have already discussed at length the perils of remaking Asian horor movies for American audiences. Now, granted, I was discussing Japanese horror, but, like most ignorant American's, Japanese Horror, Chinese Horror, all looks horrible to me. So why, why, WHY are you here, Jessica?! But then, it comes to me, like a love note from that girl who I had a crush on in 10th grade who always wanted to ruin things by turning me into security- "The Eye", starring Jessica Alba. "Idle Hands", starring Jessica Alba. I get it now! You are making body part horror movies! How dare I doubt you, Dark Angel! Next up will be "Gutter Mouth", followed by "The Nose Knows" and "The Ear of Fear" and "Death Feet". You are so wise, you are like the anti-Heigl. Implant anyone's corneas on me and you'll still look good. Even if your film is plural- impaired, I still think you are great.

This movie, on the other hand, sucks. I'd enjoy "The Eye" most with mine closed.

Oyster Rating: 2 oysters, one to poke out each eye, and then another 49 thousand to bury you under, and then $50.

That's it for our date movie round up. I know, I know- all these movies sucked. Sorry. I don't make 'em folks, I don't even watch them- I simply review them. But then, you ask yourself, "Self, what am I supposed to watch to put my date in the Valentine's spirit of, as the French say (at least in Southern France), amore?" Well, Uncle Matt isn't going to let you down there. Here are two suggestions: Number Uno- "Transformers". Not only are they more than meets "The Eye", but what do women love more than fighting robots that transform into fast cars? And what do men love more than women who love fighting robots that transform into fast cars? But maybe your date is older and the hightech "zwwwsh-zwark-zwsss" sound of Transformers transforming might blow out her hearing aids? Then let me move on to Number B- "Career Opportunities". Here is the film where I fell in love with Target, Jennifer Connelly, and Jennifer Connelly's white tank top, all in less than 2 hours. I mean, Valentine's Day is all about dreams coming true, right? What? Well, what is the holiday about dreams coming true? Groundhog Day? Arbor Day? Whatever it is, who doesn't dream, several times a night, about being locked in a Target with Jennifer Connelly in a white tank top. Someday, I know, this dream will come true for me. At least, I hope it's this dream, and not the one where my first grade teacher is naked, making apple brown betty out of my fingertips. And since that's what Valentine's Day is really about, I suggest everyone go watch "Career Opportunities".

In the words of the Roman great philosopher, Brach, "Say What".

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Dog Reviews, Part II: Tale of the Dog: Basic Instinct 2

Wow. Is it tomorrow already? I must have overslept.

So, since the first edition of "Dog Reviews" was so popular (and, by popular, I mean completed and posted on the blog), I foolishly decided to attempt a second version. "Dog Reviews", of course, for those new to the blog or those who just stopped by for naked pictures of Jennifer Connelly, is my attempt at interspecies film criticism, or bestireviewality, by forcing my ADHD suffering Jack Russell to watch a film and scientifically noting with a sharpie on the palm of my hand his reactions (this is the way that scientists always note things, of course). The last time, of course, was a disaster, leading to all kinds of body functions and boardline cruelity. Being a rational and intelligent human, of course, I decided to try again.

Last time, I attempted to force the dog to sit through multiple reviews, which led to serious resentment on his part and a post so long and rambling that NO ONE wanted to read the thing, not even my mom (ESPECIALLY not my mom). This time, I figured I'd just try one film, and, in an attempt to gain his interest, I chose "Basic Instinct 2: Basicker Instinct", or something like that. Why this sequel to the muff-flashing, gay-baiting, ice-picking, soft-focus classic? First, my dog has always been a fan of Sharon Stone's breasts, even the old, dry-roasted Sharon Stone (who, I must agree, actually looks really good for a 1000 year old soul eating mummy). Deux, as they say in France, dog's are all about instincts, some good (like attacking the mailman trying to violate the sanctity of my home), some bad (like humping my face while I sleep...with my mouth open!), and some basic (eating, drinking, breathing). C, "Basic Instinct 2" is subtitled "Risk Addiction", and I just now diagnosed my dog with a risk addiction. What else could explain the desire to eat Christmas tree bulbs, or to jump out of 2nd story windows, or to crawl under the couch when even my wife is too afraid to clean under there, or to eat the chicken nugget one of the kids dropped in the back of the van in 2002. Gotta be risk addiction. So this film would appear to be the perfect flick to watch with my dog.


I had forced the dog to sit by my in front of the TV and was in the process of getting the DVD out of the slightly sticky case when I began to smell something incredibly bad, incredibly ass-like. Believing this scent not to be of human origin, I shot an accusatory glance at my dog, who verified my assumption by making his eyes real big and flattening his ears against his head in a manner to indicate his disatisfaction with his life at that point. "You stink," I said. In his shame, he didn't answer, only looked away. I began again to prepare for our fully scientific dog review session.

And, yet again, I am hit with the overwhelming smell of ass.

Now, there are several areas of a dog capable of stink. First would be the mouth. My dog's teeth are brushed once a year and, considering the vet only charges me $6 for this (compared to the $90 twice a year the dentist would ask if I ever went there), I question the quality of this cleaning. Not only that, but my dog is not particularly picky about what he puts in his mouth. Dirt, plants, shoes, mail, chairs, poop, dead squirrels, live squirrels, coins, leaves, grass, the side of the fence, my wife's toes, and dog food- it's all the same to him. So the mouth is a definite possibility. Of course, there are also his feet. Dogs have the mysterious power, not yet explained despite several government grants to do so, to make their feet smell like Fritos corn chips, and not a good kind of Fritos corn chips, either. There are his ears- he seems to enjoy scratching his ears with his Frito smelling feet, then smelling and licking his feet when he's done. Considering that he also enjoys smelling and licking dead birds and dirty underwear, I can't figure he's getting perfume out of there.

I immediately picked him up to attempt to locate the source of the ass-smell eminating from him and rapidly filling the room, desperate to stop the foul gas before losing conciousness. I attempted to smell his mouth, only to have him lick my nostrils and attempt to lick my lips, driving me back. I grabbed a foot and smelled that- Fritos (and not the good kind- the store brand that's been sitting on the shelf too long), but not ass. I thought about smelling his ears, but it seemed both repulsive and slightly illegal. So, if it wasn't his mouth, his feet, or his ears, what could it be? What part of my dog was I forgetting that could be filling the room with a horrible, ass-like smell and-


Outside he went, where he promptly ran around the yard barking at all four corners to make sure it was secure enough to poop in. I gave him a few minutes then attempted to call him back in to complete "Dog Reviews, Part II", but he simply stared at me like I was nuts then began to run around the yard barking again. Dejected, I returned to my still slightly rank smelling room, but I couldn't bring myself at this point to watch Sharon's stones flopping around in a hot tub, no matter how well preserved. Then I realized the 10 minutes attempting to obtain a new "Dog Review" was not a waste. It was a true scientific experiment!

Based on the principles of Pavlov's classical conditioning, behaviors can be reduced by producing a negative stimulus at the time of the behavior.
The behavior to be observed will be the universal male desire to look at breasts. This will be accomplished via the use of a DVD player and a rented copy of "Basic Instinct 2: Electric HooHoos". The negative stimulus, introduced at a variable interval time-frame, will be canine flatulence, produced naturally by a sheepish looking Jack Russell terrier.
After several doses of large and powerful quantities of the canine flatulence, combined with the added negative stimulus of Frito-feet, the subject initially attempts to locate the source of the invisible mystery odor. Dejected and slightly ill-feeling, the subject removes the offensive Jack Russell to an outdoor location, where the odor can be dissapated and the cause, uh, well, eliminated. Subject, now in a state of disorientation, returns to the room, initially attempts to begin the film and satisfy the visual-breast desire (as first identified by Dr. H. Hefner et. al., 1953, Mammary Glands and Effects on Periodical Sales in the United States), however finds he cannot continue. Subject now reports smelling dog bowels, even when no dog is present, when exposed images of Sharon Stone.
The phenomenom identified in classical conditioning seems at work here: the Subject initally wanted to see breasts, even to the point of exposing himself to a possibly brain-damagingly bad film, and even if belonging to an evil countess who must bathe in the blood of virgins just to maintain a career. However, after several doses of dog flatulence, the Subject loses all desire to look at breasts and instead returns the film unwatched and eats a sandwich. The effect, however, seems to be short-lasting and tied to the behavior present at the time of the aversive stimulus introduction- Subject was later observed Googling "naked Jennifer Connelly" on the home personal computer only 3 hours after the commencement of the experiment. Additional study is warrented.

In conclusion, it appears canine flatulence is, of all the foul smells that a canine has the potential to excrete from their body, one that is very effective for the short-term modification of behavior. It also appears that "Basic Instinct 2: The Vaginer Strikes Back" sucks.

Here is a non-scratch and sniff picture of my dog looking cute with a piece of wrapping paper hanging out of his mouth in an attempt to remove the lingering odor of the previous blog post

Friday, February 8, 2008

Ruining the Curve

It has come to my deficited attention that "certain members" of the vast blogosphere are "ruining" things for "others", so much so that "they" and "their" "actions" must be surrounded by "quotation marks". These virtual virtuosos feel that they must show us all up by posting to their blogs, and posting frequently (and, by frequently, of course, I mean more often than since November 22, which has been proven by scientists to be the optimal last time to have posted on a blog). Well, listen here, two-post wonders, there are some of us with true courage out here, some of us who refuse to be trapped by the wicked World Wide Web you weave. In fact, there are some of us who have the courage to not only not post on our blogs, but NEVER post on our blogs! There are some of us who have the guts that, when we do post, once every two months, two weeks, and two days, we don't even post anything of substance, anything that even relates to the already tenuous theme of our blog! Some of us are true innovators by allowing our blogs to wither like a raisin in the sun, or possibly explode! Some of us with the cajones, as the French say (at least in the parts of France that border Mexico), to simply toss a bunch of words together and try and pass THAT ranting mess off as a true blog post that ANYONE (even the post-er's own mother)(especially the post-er's own mother) would not want to read, and would definitely skip over if they accidentally happened upon it. These are the true mavericks! So if you think you can ruin it for us all by posting both frequently and often to your own sorry excuse for a blog, you are wrong! The rest of us out there have to take the time to try and look at every piece of porn available until we hit the end of the Internets.The rest of us out there have to spend a few hours shaking their keyboard, trying to get the spilled coffee to drain out of it. The rest of us are too busy contemplating the hotness of Jennifer Connolly on the beach while we check out grainy vidcaps from that filmatic classic, "The Hot Spot". The rest of us out there have to watch some of the over 276 hours of "Martha Stewart" on the DVR (and by 'the rest of us', of course, I don't mean me. Not that there is anything wrong with recording 276 hours of 'Martha Stewart'. I mean, you're the one that has a problem with it. Not me. I didn't say anything. Not that I did it. Or, I mean, not that I would do it. Maybe a few hours, but not that many. And, so what if I did? I didn't, but so what if I did? So, whatever, there's nothing wrong with doing that, and you can take the accusations of your closed mind to some talk radio blog, fool.)

The rest of us are truly committed, truly dedicated to NOT ever post ANYTHING for months at a time, and NOT ONLY WILL NO ONE NOTICE, BUT NO ONE WILL EVEN CARE!!!! THE INTERNETS WILL ALL CONTINUE WITH OUR BLOG JUST SITTING, GATHERING CYBERDUST UNDERNEATH THE OLD PETS.COM AND PEAPOD PAGES AND NO ONE IN THE WORLD WILL MISS IT IN ANY WAY!!!! It is these lazy bloggers that are the true heroes, over-achievers. I'd like to call these people the Weakest Generation, primarily because they not only have not saved the world, but they are actually too lazy to even lift their fingers and type a movie review of a film they haven't seen. These are the true visionaries. And I'd like to count myself among them, by proudly not posting on my blog.

Well, until now, with this post.

Uh, guess I blew that one.

Oh well, tune in tomorrow when I tackle a truly interesting and universal topic and reflect on why my dog smells like ass.