Saturday, August 18, 2007

Reviews of the Ignorant: Rush Hour 3

"Taking candy from a fish", "Shooting babies in a barrel", "Tipping cows in a, uh, well, in a cow tipper", "Taking babies from a fish", "Shooting candy in a barrel", "Tasting, sucking, licking, nuzzling the forbidden fruit", "Teaching spiders to tap-dance", "Letting the good times roll,"- wait, no, forget that last one- "Teaching dogs to conjugate verbs and perform basic algebraic functions", "Shooting barrels with fish", "Upping the Auntie, uh, anty?", "Barrel rolling candy and fish and babies"- there are many old proverbs about doing things that are too easy and the terrible punishments you will receive for taking the low road. Or maybe you should do things too easy, and make the easy money? Where's an old wife when you need one so I can ask what all this junk means? Honey, can I ask you something-?

-Ow! Alright, already, I wasn't calling you old. Forget it.

Anyhow, these were the sort of sayings that might have been running through my head when I sat down to write this Review of the Ignorant. Or it might have been thoughts about pizza. But, whichever, all I know is that, the moment I sat down to type this, an angel appeared on one shoulder and a devil appeared on the other, just as in all the classic Western texts by Homer, Virgil, Chaucer, and Tex Avery. What follows is an exact, scientific transcript of the conversation taking place on my shoulders:

Angel- "Oh, Matt, it is so great of you to return to the Frog Blog with a 5000 word treatise on how films prior to 1930 just did not have a "Modern Hollywood" sensibility! Your fan (Ed. note: Here, I believe, the Angel is referring to my mother) will be so happy upon reading your glorious and triumphant return!

Devil- "Eh, snoozefest! But did you see this 'Rush Hour 3'? What a load of steaming dung patties that thing looks to be! And I should know- I produced it! You should be able to post on that in what, maybe 4, 5 minutes tops?"

Angel- " 'Rush Hour 3'? You must be kidding! Anyone with sight, or even a audio description machine, or even a strong sense of vibrations, can see that that is a flaming disaster without setting foot in a theater. It is beneath your talents, Matt, to write a review of something like that. Already, critics across the country have written reviews of 'Rush Hour 3'. Do you think any of them actually watched the movie? Hell- I mean, Heck no! No one outside of the lunatic asylum would question whether 'Rush Hour 3' sucks."

Devil- "Ha! I shut down the lunatic asylums years ago! They're all in the general prison population now! Write the 'Rush Hour 3' review, post the sucker, and let's order that delicious, slightly homoerotic "All the Meats" pizza you've been craving. You may still have an artery or two that is clear, and that should do the trick."

Angel- "Matt! I implore you! Stick with the original plan of a pre-1930 comparison essay! And eat an apple while you're doing it! Do not go down the path of destruction and struggling circulation by posting an easy 'Rush Hour 3' post! Take a challenge! Take a stand! Take a-"

Devil- "Ah, you take a crap, Angel. Have you even looked at the title of this post?"

Angel- "What?"

Devil- "Look at the title and tell me what path this jerk is taking. Go ahead, scroll up and check it out"

Angel- "Hold on...scrolling...Oh, Merciful Father! There is such thing as predestination! You will find no righteousness in 'Rush Hour 3'! Your path is sealed, Matt! Disappoint everyone with a pointless and repetitive review of this smoldering chunk of brimstone! But don't ask me for help the next time you have a job review! Take your "Unsatisfactory" like a man!"

The Angel disappears

Devil- "Ah, now that that loser is outta here, let's post this sucker and get that order in. And throw some extra cheese on that pizza! I'll be sure and spread that around your left ventricle!"

Rush Hour 3

First, in the interest of the Fairness Doctrine, let me disclose that I have seen a preview of 'Rush Hour 3'. It was a preview most foul that I felt like clawing my eyes from my head and asking for my money back before the actual movie even started. In fact, I did ask for my money back, but I do that every time I go to the cinema, and, that way, I've been going on the same $6.00 since 1987. That aside, though, the preview for 'Rush Hour 3' made three things absolutely clear: 1) It is set in Paris (or, as the French would say, Paris) B) It is loud and III) It sucks.

But I get ahead of myself.

I can assure you that I have never seen 'Rush Hour 3' and that I never will. In fact, if I ever do, I will remove myself from society and live under an assumed name in Brazil along with Elvis and all the escaped Nazis. I have also never seen 'Rush Hour 1' or '2', but, apparently, someone has, because they keep making them. When I see on one hand that there are people in the world dying of hunger, unable to obtain potable water, unable to keep warm, being slaughtered in unjust civil wars, and contracting horrible diseases, yet, on the other hand, millions of dollars are being spent not only on 'Rush Hour 1' and 'Rush Hour 2', but also on 'Rush Hour 3', I suddenly question the judgement of humankind, and I shed a single, slow tear, just as my Native American grandfather did in his commercial. In fact, in a show of activism rare for the Frog Blog, I encourage anyone who has even said "We could go to 'Rush Hour 3'" or even thought about going to 'Rush Hour 3' or looked at the films showing at the local Magestoplex and thought "Oh, 'Rush Hour 3'" to go immediately to the Charity Navigator website at , choose a well-rated charity, and, as penitence for spending thought energy on this foul concoction, give the total amount you would have spent on 'Rush Hour 3' tickets to that charity. If you have already seen 'Rush Hour 3', may God have mercy on your soul. Head immediately to the religious figure of your choice and confess to what you have done. THEN go to , choose a well-rated charity, and give TWO TIMES what you spent on tickets for this monstrosity in attempt to show an act of true repentance. I only hope, for your eternal salvation, that you sneaked in without paying after seeing "The Simpsons Movie".

Now that we are all back on solid moral footing, what is this disaster about? Well, the black guy bugs his eyes out, sings, talks in a real high voice that is really annoying, and gets whacked in the crotch by some hard object. The Chinese guy can't speak English, sings, does his own stunts, and gets whacked in the crotch by some hard object. There's a lot of shooting, some kind of stunts on the Eiffel Tower, and, in the end, the black guy and the Chinese Guy learn that black people and Chinese people are not so different, in that neither will make as much as a white man and both get hurt when they are whacked in the crotch by hard objects.

The characters are more life-like in 'Ratatoullie', the homosexual undertones less apparent in 'The Last Tango in Paris', the connections are more French in "The French Connection", and the music less horrible in "Moulin Rouge". To sum it up (because, well, this pizza ain't gonna eat itself, you know) let us turn for a final opinion to our brothers from across the pond who, out of eternal gratitude for us always saving their ass, have given us the Fry, the Kiss, the Toast, and the Manicure:

"Le film 'Rush Hour 3' est un gros morceau énorme et stinky du merde qui m'incite à vouloir au waggle mes pièces privées à votre tante et fart dans votre direction générale."

Well said!

My Rating: 0 Stars and a big chunk o' merde

Trivia: Due to a partnership with the CIA designed to undercut the credibility of the Chinese throughout the world, every English-language movie starring Jackie Chan is purposefully designed to suck fat donkey dongs. No one is quite sure, despite several "Freedom of Information Act" requests, what the deal is with Chris Tucker.

More Trivia: This is the 1st Ignorant Review in the history of the Frog Blog that I could not work in a reference to the gorgeous Jennifer Connolly, primarily out of the belief that Ms. Connolly and 'Rush Hour 3' should not be mentioned in the same posting, out of respect for the incredible Ms. Connolly. However, since I now find myself with tears in my eyes for not having typed her name in this posting, I'm typing it now, under the guise of trivia. But please be aware- Not even the presence of the luminous and stunningly beautiful Jennifer Connolly would make something as offensive as 'Rush Hour 3' bearable. She would know this herself, and the only way she would ever have anything to do with the production of a 'Rush Hour' film is as a guise to get on the set and, acting as an incredibly fit, white tank-top wearing ninja, destroy all camera equipment in order to shut down production and free the world from it's dependency on crappy movies.

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