Friday, February 15, 2008

Reviews of the Ignorant: Valentine's Day Massacree Edition

Ahhhhh, here it is again, Valentine's Day, and the smell of latex and penicillin fills the air. Or maybe that's the smell of landfill being packed with unwanted and unsold cards. Whatever it is, there sure is something stinky in the air today, and, despite a writer's strike that I really hoped would stop the flow of new movies being released, I'm afraid the odor may not, as I first suspected, be again coming from my dog, but instead may be eminating from the local gigantoplex. Considering that Valentine's Day may be your first chance to get in the pants of your significant other since the champagne and horse tranquilizers of New Year's Eve, you don't want to blow it. Or, maybe you do. Whatever your preference, though, you cannot afford to strike out on Valentine's Day by following a well thought out candlelight dinner at White Castle with some celluoid tumor like "Saw XIX". So what's a caring and sensitive individual to do? Why, of course! Click your bookmark for the Frog Blog and read a few uninformed opinions of current date films that I've never seen! Why before you know it, the panties will be flying like a Tom Jones concert in the Victoria's Secret factory! Read on, fellow lovers, to find out what films work like licorice spiked with Spanish Fly and what films to avoid like an oozing herpes sore. In the words of the wise, wise Greek philosopher, Necco, "I'm Yours. Hot Stuff. Be Mine. Kiss Kiss. You're Cool. Sweet Heart. Be True. True Love. I'm Hooked. Hug Me."

(In the spirit of the season, all reviews in this post will include a final "Oyster" rating, indicating how many slurpy mollusks must be consumed to get back in the mood after viewing these filmatic chastity belts- therefore, the higher the Oyster rating, the worse the film is at setting the stage for romance, and the more likely your special someone will spend the night in the restroom, sick from undercooked seafood.)

Definitely, Maybe

Actually, on second thought, maybe not, definitely not. I feel a little bad about picking on this movie, like the time my friend threw books at that younger kid in school (and, of course, by "my friend" I mean me, and, by "younger kid", I mean my sister and by "books", I mean large pieces of concrete, but enough about me). Someone is going to come along and say, "Aw, that film is sweet and sentimental and you are just a bully who has no love in his heart." And, while that all may be true (except the idea that I even have a heart, because, as we have learned, you gotta have one to have an attack), it would be a lot easier to listen to this argument if the movie didn't stink like last years roses. I mean, break it down: Ryan Reynolds has that George W. Bush smirk thing going on, where he always seems right on the verge of cracking up at something that he finds funny, like handicapped people or foreclosure, but the rest of us just aren't priveledged enough to laugh at. That smirk alone would be enough to make me puke up my chocolates. There's Rachel Weisz, who is a way better actress than this kind of crap, plus she can sometimes look hot (although she can sometimes look like she o'd on prednisone, too). Add into this a cute kid with mommy issues and you have a film guaranteed to make your man grow breasts and start lactating and your woman to expect better from you. All in all, no good to come from this. This is a date film that would be best enjoyed blind, and deaf, too, if you can swing it.

Plus, that title! My eyes, my eyes! Obviously, the movie was wrapped without a title when the writer's strike hit, because if anyone wrote this title, they should have their fingers cut off to protect the rest of us. I know it's early in the year, but if this isn't a contender for the "Worst Title" Academy Award, I'll eat this entire blog, as well as the blog that follows (unless it's a Chinese blog selling knock-off Nintendo Wiis, which gives me indigestion).

Oyster Rating: Ten thousand oysters, plus $50

Fool's Gold

Of course, if you decide to take a date to this disaster, I guess we know who the fool is, don't we? I liked this movie better when it was called "The Deep" and starred Jacqueline Bisset, Jacqueline Bisset's boobs, and a wet, white T-shirt. Nothing against Kate Hudson, but she doesn't have the boobs to fill the cups of Jacqueline Bisset. Heck, she doesn't have the boobs to fill the cups of Jack Black. She may not even have boobs. If you are going to parade an attractive starlett around in a bikini, at least make it a starlett who has had the foresight to buy a set of C's. Kate is really, really cute, but cute in a fluffy bunny kind of way. The last time I dressed a fluffy bunny up in a bikini, I landed in court with an order to stay at least 1000 feet away from the pet shop. And then, Matthew McConaughey- oy, what a mess! At least he was interesting high, playing bongos naked. As a half-naked treasure hunter without a bongo in sight, no thanks.

The plot? Who really cares. There's some treasure hunting, and some "Romancing the Stone" kind of bickering, and whatever. The real point is that you have a sober Matthew McConaughey and a pre-pubescent Kate Hudson trying to make anyone care if they are in love or if they find gold or if it really would have been a better idea to go see "Cloverfield" again. If you really want gold this Valentine's Day, do what I do: take your special someone to the closest mall jewelry store and let him or her look through the windows at all the jewelry you'd by them if they'd quit wasting all your money on crappy movies like "Fool's Gold".

Oyster Rating: One hundred thousand oysters, brought up inside lost treasure chests, plus a box of Russell Stover's deluxe buttercream assortment plus a 14K gold-dipped rose plus $50.

27 Dresses

Ok, already. The film is called "27 Dresses". Is there anyone out there who can, definitely or maybe, tell me they have any interest in this? I'd rather watch my wife try on 27 dresses than watch this movie ("Yes, honey, I really like the blue one, too. No, honey, I don't think the sleeveless one makes your arms look fat. No, honey, I don't think your sister has the same dress..."). I'd rather try on 27 dresses than watch this movie. Plot? Do you really care? Something about being the bridesmaid at 27 weddings and a funeral, and getting free dresses, then using these to try and blackmail your hit TV show into giving you more money. I think Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz made this same movie then, and I didn't want to watch it then, so why would I watch the reheated version staring the incredibly, annoyingly self-important Katherine Heigl? At least Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz come across as having a sense of humor. Katherine Heigl comes across as being a mildly cute chick who thinks she's a majorly cute chick and should be paid more to boot. "Hi, my name is Katherine Heigl and, while I should be licking the feet of Judd Apatow for putting me in his "Knocked Up" flick and actually making anyone want to see anthing I've done, instead I'm going to bad mouth that film as sexist and walk off the set of "Grey's Anatomy" as if I'm the reason anyone watches that show and then all of your little people can bow down to my blonde greatness and if you don't, I'm going to tell my mommy." Oh, shut up. As soon as this crappy film sees a gross of it's budget divided by 27, you can go back to where you belong, making sequels to "Chucky" movies and Hallmark Channel snoozefests. I hope you kept one of those dresses, Katherine Heigl. From here on out, it's off the rack of TJ Maxx for you.

Did I mention James Marsden? Yeah, well, not going to, either.

This isn't a date movie, it's a prune movie. See this with someone you love, especially if you want them to stop loving you. On second thought, if you just want somewhere dark to make out while everyone else is asleep, this may be just the film to see.

Oyster Rating: 27 billion, quadrillion oysters, plus several Roofies, plus $50

The Eye

As in, what you will want to claw out after you watch this. Ok, not really a date movie, but, if anything could get a heterosexual male or a homosexual female in the mood, it would have to be Jessica Alba. But Jessica, what bad agents you must have. That "Fantastic Four" garbage, not once, but twice? That prequel to "Fools Gold" where you run around The Movie Channel for 110 minutes in a bikini? A movie with Dane Cook? With DANE COOK!!!. Help me to understand! You go from "Sin City" to "The Fantastic Four" and Dane Cook movies! And now remakes of Asian horror! I have already discussed at length the perils of remaking Asian horor movies for American audiences. Now, granted, I was discussing Japanese horror, but, like most ignorant American's, Japanese Horror, Chinese Horror, all looks horrible to me. So why, why, WHY are you here, Jessica?! But then, it comes to me, like a love note from that girl who I had a crush on in 10th grade who always wanted to ruin things by turning me into security- "The Eye", starring Jessica Alba. "Idle Hands", starring Jessica Alba. I get it now! You are making body part horror movies! How dare I doubt you, Dark Angel! Next up will be "Gutter Mouth", followed by "The Nose Knows" and "The Ear of Fear" and "Death Feet". You are so wise, you are like the anti-Heigl. Implant anyone's corneas on me and you'll still look good. Even if your film is plural- impaired, I still think you are great.

This movie, on the other hand, sucks. I'd enjoy "The Eye" most with mine closed.

Oyster Rating: 2 oysters, one to poke out each eye, and then another 49 thousand to bury you under, and then $50.

That's it for our date movie round up. I know, I know- all these movies sucked. Sorry. I don't make 'em folks, I don't even watch them- I simply review them. But then, you ask yourself, "Self, what am I supposed to watch to put my date in the Valentine's spirit of, as the French say (at least in Southern France), amore?" Well, Uncle Matt isn't going to let you down there. Here are two suggestions: Number Uno- "Transformers". Not only are they more than meets "The Eye", but what do women love more than fighting robots that transform into fast cars? And what do men love more than women who love fighting robots that transform into fast cars? But maybe your date is older and the hightech "zwwwsh-zwark-zwsss" sound of Transformers transforming might blow out her hearing aids? Then let me move on to Number B- "Career Opportunities". Here is the film where I fell in love with Target, Jennifer Connelly, and Jennifer Connelly's white tank top, all in less than 2 hours. I mean, Valentine's Day is all about dreams coming true, right? What? Well, what is the holiday about dreams coming true? Groundhog Day? Arbor Day? Whatever it is, who doesn't dream, several times a night, about being locked in a Target with Jennifer Connelly in a white tank top. Someday, I know, this dream will come true for me. At least, I hope it's this dream, and not the one where my first grade teacher is naked, making apple brown betty out of my fingertips. And since that's what Valentine's Day is really about, I suggest everyone go watch "Career Opportunities".

In the words of the Roman great philosopher, Brach, "Say What".

1 comment:

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