Friday, September 7, 2007

Reviews of the Extremely Ignorant: Dog Reviews

Well, it's been a busy week or so, what with Labor Day and all the labor my wife made me do in honor of it. Plus, there was the embarrassing moment, after that 5th hot dog, where I thought I was going into labor. Fortunately, it was just a touch of the ol' irritable bowel, but was my face red (primarily from straining). It's not every day a guy has to get an epidural in order to go to the bathroom. And that episiotomy! Yikes!

Anyway, with all this crap going on, I have not had the time even to not watch movies, let alone not watch them and then write about them. But I didn't want to disappoint my fans. Ok, fan. Ok, my mom. So I didn't want to disappoint my mom by going so long without posting on the Frog Blog, and I became determined to find a partner in film reviews, someone to take up the slack I have been so generously leaving. Naturally, my first inclination was my wife, but the look of horror on her face when I asked her to post, along with the comment about 'blog freaks', gave me an immediate answer. So then, I thought, why not my boys? Their study habits certainly reveal the same ignorant streak found in their old man. But they only wanted to write a review of "High School Musical 2", and, since I had just looked at a naked picture floating around the Internets of one of the musical high schoolers from that flick, I was uncomfortable even discussing it. Seems like every kid who shows up on the Disney Channel has a matter of two years or so before they start flashing their crotches across the World Wide Web. I shudder to think what running a "Minnie Mouse" & "nipple slip" search through the ol' Google would bring up.

Despondent, I was prepared to give up and simply allow the Frog Blog to dry up, to crust and sugar over, (or, even possibly, explode), when, suddenly, like a beam of bricks sent from Heaven above, it hit me. Aftershocks from all those hot dogs! Wanting to avoid another horrible "brown stain" incident, I ran to the bathroom. But then, while I was in a state of grunting repose in the quietest room in the house, posed like Rodin's "Thinker", I also had an idea. There was another member of the household more loyal than my wife, more obedient than my children, and more ignorant than myself. Of course! Who better to assist me in ignorantly reviewing movies than the one household member more interested in licking his privates and eating flies than checking out the IMDB! No, not Grandpa! The dog!

A quick note here: My dog values his privacy and his one condition for helping me drop some new reviews up here was that I disguise his identity. He feels that, the next time he's at the park sniffing other dog's butts and urinating on playground equipment, he doesn't want to be recognized as contributing to something as lame as a blog; he has a reputation to keep up as a fifteen pound, lean, mean, barking and fighting sex machine. So, rather than reveal his real name and risk his relationship with that hot Chocolate Lab, I'm simply going to refer to him, for the remainder of this post, as 'the dog' or 'my dog'. And he most definitely is not the Jack Russell who tore up your library book you left sitting on the park bench last June, so don't come asking me for $30 to replace it. He's a different Jack Russell that just happened to be there that same day. And you, my friend, are guilty of breed profiling.

Now, one thing dogs are not is 'meta-', and he just didn't get the whole idea of reviewing films you have never seen, so I promised him that I'd let him actually watch the film he was reviewing. This made him so happy he ran in circles, biting his stub of a tail. Plus, he is not the most verbal of living creatures, so his reviews would have to be based primarily on behavioral actions, making me the Jane Goodall of pop culture blogs. So, notebook in hand, pith helmet in place (because, of course, if you're going to go into the jungles of animal observation, you have to pith firtht, underthand?), we headed down to the local Nonoplex to buy tickets for the flick I thought he'd like to see the most, "Underdog". The stupid theater, however, would not allow me in with him, despite the fact that I first tried to explain that he was reviewing the film for a well known blog, then attempted to convince the theater manager that he was a service dog. He, however, did little to assist me with this, instead primarily being interested in barking at every person who entered the theater lobby, and, thanks to this little display, I am banned from the theater under penalty of Criminal Trespassing.

$7.00 lighter and still with no review, we headed to the video store. Here, I insisted to him that he would have to stay outside, and I tied him to the bike racks. From there, I held up different film options for his reviewing pleasure. We ultimately decided on the following films, or, should I say, I decided, because he was more interested in 1) Barking at every car that went past the video store B) Barking at every person entering the video store and III) Urinating repeatedly on the dirt bike next to him on the bike rack:

1. The Truth About Cats and Dogs
2. Dog Day Afternoon
3. A documentary about land mine-sniffing dogs in Vietnam called War Dogs
4. And, for variety, Catch and Release, starring Jennifer Garner (purchased previously viewed for only $3.99)

(A brief editorial note here about Jennifer Garner. She confuses me and makes me question my sexuality. Sometimes, I think she is very attractive. There was that spy show where she would wear leather suits and milkmaid outfits and always looked real hot. Plus, she has the appropriate first name, referencing the standard of beauty and quality acting that is the radiant and awe-inspiring Jennifer Connelly (although falling far, far short of Ms. Connelly's glory, I must say). But there are other times, such as through much of this movie, where she looks like a dude in drag. How can this strange duality be explained? It is a mystery best left to Bible studies and my therapist, I'm afraid.)

Having acquired the films for Dog Review, I proceeded home and immediately set about screening these for my dog. What follows are the actual field notes of his behavior during different times of the films, and his decision as to the quality of these films inferred from this behavior. I have noted the times, in minutes and seconds, according to the counter on the DVD player so that if you, too, want to get your dog and have him watch the same films at the same times to attempt to duplicate these findings, then that makes both of us scientists and we should probably join a club or a society or something.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

Approximately -0:45 to -0:19- The dog is insistent on attempting to lick my mouth while I am leaned over, putting the DVD in the player

0:00 to 1:10 - He is vigorously scratching his right front shoulder

1:12 to 1:37- He is now vigorously biting his right front shoulder, making a slurping, clicking sound so obnoxious I yell at him to "Stop", and, when he doesn't, I throw a sandal against the wall to get his attention.

1:39 to 1:55- He resumes biting his right front shoulder, continuing to make that grotesque chewing sound. I yell, "Stop!", even louder, pounding my fist on the floor.

1:56 to 2:02- He gives me a look that either expresses a sincere sadness that he has displeased me or a murderous intent to rip my throat out while I sleep, it's difficult to read. He then leaves the screening room.

2:03 to 14:07- Despite my calls for him to return, he refuses. I apologize profusely, even offer to scratch his shoulder, but he still does not return. I hear him somewhere upstairs, growling and running around. Realizing that he is not going to return, and that attempting to force an animal to watch any more of this film could result in cruelty charges, I stop the screening and review my notes.

Dog Review- Film is less interesting than right front shoulder. 0 Bones.

Dog Day Afternoon

- 17:00- Both the case and the DVD have some sticky substance on them. While I am attempting to insert the DVD, the dog grabs the case and carries it across the room. He then lays down and starts to lick it. I set the DVD down and go across the room to get the case, which is already at this point riddled with teeth-mark holes. He thinks I want to play and refuses to let go of the case, growling and trying to pull it away. I finally shake the case loose, but he runs behind me, growling and barking. I try and grab him, but he slips away, runs back across the room, and grabs the DVD itself in his mouth. He then runs up the stairs with it, growling the whole time. I chase him upstairs, but, by the time I get up there, out of breath, he has begun to crunch the DVD into a bunch of sharp, slivery pieces. I chases him away, gather up the pieces, and put them back in the case which is now rough with his teeth marks. Later, I tell the video store guy that this was how I found it when I got it home.

Dog Review- While both the case and the DVD are delicious, the DVD is sharp when broken and can make the mouth bleed. Due to this serious safety concern, 0 Bones.

War Dogs

Due to issues in previous screenings, I decide to put the dog on his leash and tie him to the leg of the couch, forcing him to stay in the room for the screening.

0:00 to 4:29 - The dog is growling and pulling at his leash, trying to get free.

4:30 to 6:15- The dog continues to growl and pull at the leash, making it impossible to hear the film

7:10 to 9:35- The dog has now lied down and is attempting to chew through his leash, every once in a while giving it a tug. I yell "No!" at him in an attempt to get him to focus on the film, which seems to be about bomb-sniffing dogs that were left behind when Vietnam was evacuated. He doesn't watch the film, though, and instead, after sniffing the leash one more time, begins to loudly lick his genitals.

10:02 to 15:17- I actually don't pay a whole lot of attention to the dog, as I can hear him continue his licking and chewing and the documentary is pretty good. When I do look back at him, though, I see he is no longer licking his genitals but is now chewing the wooden leg of the couch, with little bits of wood shavings everywhere. "NO!" I yell, with visions of my wife killing both of us dancing through my head, "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!" He immediately stops chewing and lies his head down on the floor, ears pulled back in an attempt at contrition.

15:50 to 16:22- He stands and begins pacing

17:48- The screening comes to a stop when he loudly vomits a pile of wood shavings and pieces of DVD label floating in a yellow goo. I pick him up and rush him outside, breaking the weakened couch leg when I forget to unhook the leash, where he proceeds to vomit two more times.

Dog Review- Despite a few minutes of quality genital licking time, any film that makes you vomit more than once cannot be recommended. 0 Bones.

Catch and Release

This time, I decide I will hold him while the film screens. We have to sit in the chair, as the couch is now lopsided.

0:00 to 4:46- The dog struggles to get away from me. I hold him tight and tell him, "It's ok, it's ok" in as soothing a voice as possible. This, though, seems to remind him of getting shots at the vet, and he proceeds then to try and pull away more urgently.

5:00 to ?- Finally, after a few more seconds of struggling, he settles and closes his eyes. He lies next to me, warm and soft, and, as the film drones on and on, I begin to lose interest in trying to figure if Jennifer Garner is hot and begin instead to think of Jennifer Connelly in her white tank-top. Everything is quiet, except for the murmur of the blabbing voices on the TV. I decide I will close my eyes and enjoy the peace for a minute.

22:14- I am violently awakened as the dog growls and barks. He has left me in the chair and is now slamming himself against the door in the daily vain attempt to frighten the mailman away from the mailbox. I try to call him back to the chair, but he runs back upstairs.

22:50 to 26:17 - I go upstairs and bring him back down, telling him to stay so I can see what his reaction is to this film. He refuses to watch it, instead pacing around and whining, trying to leave the room. I tell him to sit, which he does begrudgingly, but he continues to whine, and begins to pace again, walking back and forth in a wide oval. "Sit!" I tell him again, but he refuses.

27:05- The screening comes to an end when he begins to urinate on the rug, staring at me with a look of regret combined with vindication. I stumble across the room and grab him, trying to get him outside, but I succeed only in trailing a stream of urine across the room. Once outside, he immediately stops urinating and runs to all four corners of the yard, barking at squirrels. He then returns to his earlier vomit and begins to eat it. I yell at him to stop, and he gives me a bored look, then goes back to a sunny spot on the patio, where he proceeds to fall asleep.

Dog Review- Film inspires drowsiness, rage (directed at the mailman), and, finally, a strong and uncontrollable desire to urinate, making it have a lot in common with the side effects of certain anti-depressants and not at all enjoyable. Plus, there is no determination as to whether Jennifer Garner is truly hot or a drag queen. All of this emotional turmoil cannot lead to a recommendation. 0 Bones.

So, what was learned through Dog Reviews? That dog vomit does not come easily out of a carpet, that video store clerks are a mistrusting lot when it comes to damaged DVDs, that there is nothing better than falling asleep with a dog by your side, and that the case of "Catch and Release" will effectively even out a broken couch leg, at least enough that your wife doesn't notice. Now I gotta run- there's someone waiting to play Frisbee with me.

No animals were harmed in the posting of this blog.


Angry Park Lady said...

You owe me 30 bucks for that library book your damn dog tore up! Pay up or I swear to you I'll get a lawyer!! And control your damn dog!!!

Pervy McJustice said...

I was looking for naked pix of Ms. Garner, and instead I get this crap! Damn you, damn you all to hell!!