Friday, September 14, 2007

Reviews of the Ignorant: The Nanny Diaries

Some days you just don't feel like doing anything.

You wake up, wander around in your underwear, eating Doritos, just hoping that inspiration or at least motivation will strike. (Ok, I know inspiration usually 'strikes', 'cause I've read it in books and stuff, but what about motivation? Does it 'strike'? It doesn't seem quite as violent as inspiration; maybe motivation just kinda sneaks up behind you and pushes your shoulders.) And then, right about the second bag of Doritos, your kids start in with all the "Dad, Dad! We were supposed to be at school three hours ago!" And then life finds you driving at speeds of over 70 miles per hour in a school zone (Hey, the lights aren't flashing!) trying to make sure your kids get there in time for recess. And, after all that work, you still just don't feel like anything. You sit around on the porch, eating Doritos, and, even at the point that the hot neighbor comes out in her bikini, waves at you, lies down in her lawn chair, unties her top, and, hands strategically placed, tries to wave you over to rub some oil on her shoulders. So, of course, even though you haven't felt like doing anything, you head across the street, 'cause you want to protect her from skin cancer and whatever, can't let a young woman age herself in the sun, and then you find yourself rubbing her smooth, muscular back, and she's groaning just a little, her hips pressing into the lawn chair. You close your eyes, your fingers working down her sides, catching the strings on the bikini bottoms, as she lets out a soft gasp-

Uh, I'm sorry, what was I talking about?

Oh, yeah. Some days you just don't feel like doing anything. So there you are, helping out the neighbor, when your wife pulls up, all crazy and screaming about work and why am I across the street rubbing the neighbor's naked back and all the other crazy stuff women scream about, and you just don't feel like even having this discussion again. And then, she has to start in with all the "Where are the kids?", at which point you realize school has been over for 3 hours now and, in fact, it's dark outside. So back you rush to school, and the kids are all like, "Dad! You forgot us again! We were so hungry we had to eat grass!" And all you can't think of is, "I don't want to do anything", with a great feeling of, as the French say, 'ennui'

So what brings this reflection on, you ask? And, if you didn't, I'd appreciate it if you would, so we can get on with it. One. Two. Three. I can do this all day; I'm not proud. Go ahead and ask. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Ok, there, that wasn't so hard, was it? Well, the reflection was brought on by "The Nanny Diaries". I so much do not want to ever see this film that I don't even want to write a blog post on it. I am literally forcing myself to sit here and type this. Now don't get me wrong, here; "The Nanny Diaries" does not repulse me, as the most awful things in the world, such as Darfur genocide, blue M&M's, and "Rush Hour 3" do. And it does have two very nice things going for it; Scarlett Johansson. But why would anybody want to watch this thing, let alone write a blog posting about it after not watching it? So, instead, I sit and try to come up with excuses to not post. "Why, I need to help my son with his math homework!" I might cry, to which my wife would answer, "Children's services have taken them two weeks ago after you left them at the school overnight". "But wait!" I would exclaim (hence, the exclamation mark), "I need to see if Jennifer Connelly has made any new films lately!" And then my wife would answer, "You've seen them all. Three times". "But look!" I would exclaim again, at the risk of being repetitive, "'Dark Water' is on Encore Action for the fourth time today! I need to watch it!" And my wife would roll her eyes and answer, "You haven't paid the satellite bill for two months. What makes you think you're gonna tune in Encore Action now?"

I really gotta get a new wife.

And, with all of my excuses blown to smithereens, I must face the inevitable. Did Hannibal and the rest of 'The A-team' want to march across the Alps with a bunch of circus elephants? Heck no, but he did for the good of his country. Did the Ancient Egyptians want to build the pyramids? Of course not, they were slaves, but they did it anyhow because, well, they were slaves, and would probably be killed if they didn't. Did Jonas Salk want to invent the polio vaccine? Well, yeah, probably. Bad example. Did George W. Bush want to be elected President of the United States? No way, but he was, because someone had to serve for the front man for Cheney and his power-mad gang of goons. All of these people (with the exception of Salk, I guess) were faced with a duty and they did it, no matter how unpleasant, all for the betterment of humanity. Except for the case of President Bush. And that brings me to me. I could take the easy way, not cross the Alps, not build the pyramids, not cure polio, and not allow a crazed cabal of money-hungry neocons to take over our nation. Or I can sit down and act as I should, fulfill my destiny, satisfy the hunger of millions and make the world a better place.

I could post an ignorant review of "The Nanny Diaries".

I expect millions of 'thank you' notes. Checks would be nice, too.

The Nanny Diaries

Ok, if you go see this, you pretty much get what you deserve. First, let's break down the title. The first word is 'The'. So far, so good. Lots of great films have started with 'The'. "The Empire Strikes Back". "The Rocketeer". " "The Hot Spot". And "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" actually has 'The' three times. It is the most 'the'iest movie of all times. So from just that word, you can't really yet see the unholy depths of suckiness this movie will reach.

But then, we get into trouble. 'Nanny'. No, not 'Tranny'. "The Tranny Diaries" actually might have been an interesting film. But here, we're talking about 'Nanny'. Now there are only two places where 'Nanny' should appear in films, and absolutely NONE of them would involve Fran Drescher. First would be in porn, with such classics as "The Naughty Nanny", "The Nanny's Fanny" and "The Nanny Always Cums Twice". Second, would be "Mary Poppins". Just be sure not to mix up the tapes when your putting the cases away or you'll have to answer to your wife the next time the kids have a sleepover with 'movie night'. Trust me. I know. But, overall, using the word 'Nanny' in a movie title is a kiss of death. It brings to mind snooty people doing snooty things like 'spending money' and 'exercising' and talking in a fake English accent. Not that I have anything wrong with talking in a fake English accent; I do it all the time when I'm explaining to the creditors why I'm not home right now. But would you watch a film about me explaining to creditors that I'm not home? I didn't think so. Don't put 'Nanny' in the title of your movie.

So we're already failing here. Then comes, as the French also say, the 'piece de la resistance' meaning, 'piece of most resistance to going to see this movie'. The word 'Diaries'. This just congers up horrible memories of being forced to play ponies and Barbies with my sisters and their friends. What does a person think of when they think of diaries? Well, yeah, I guess some people would think of things that must be burnt before the Army gets in your bunker. But, for most of us, instantly we have images of unicorns and purple, rainbows and sticker books, braiding hair and 'Truth or Dare'. And if you have never been forced to play with a Ken doll wearing a fur coat for hours while your sister and her friends listened to 'Bon Jovi' and talked about boys, then you have no right to laugh and should consider yourself one lucky person.

And that pretty much wraps it up. "The Nanny Diaries". Just the name churns my stomach so much that they should call it, "The Nanny Diarrheas". You know it's gonna be about a bunch of rich people talking about themselves and how hard their lives are while cute kids say cuss words and the innocent nanny learns lessons of survival and becomes a stronger and better person until my head wants to blow up. There are two things, however, that possibly could save this movie; as I said before, they are Scarlett Johansson. Here is a woman of great mystery. Sometimes, she can be smoking hot. Other times, though, she looks like she was carved out of a block of butter and put on display at the State Fair. Now, I like butter, but I prefer it on my plate rather than carved in the shape of a woman and walking around the screen on the local Hectaplex. She also has the problem of coming across as extremely smart, at least by celebrity standards. Now, if I wanted my women smart, I'd move somewhere that they make them that way, but I choose to live in America, and we don't want any of that fancy European stuff here. And, sure, Ms. Johansson does have some enormous talents. While she is no Jennifer Connelly, she can fill out the old white tank-top with Academy Award winning capabilities, if the Academy Awards were given out for gigundous hooters. (Which I think it actually might be, at some point in the technical awards, between 'Gaffers' and 'Best Boys'). Yet can Ms. Johansson, as dually talented as she is, even at her most buttery, make up for the fact that this is "The Nanny Diaries"? Can Nancy Reagan fly? I mean, without her broomstick and the blood of twenty virgins.

To summarize, "The Nanny Diaries". Read it again. "The Nanny Diaries". What does this mean? It means that this movie will have "Nannies" and "Diaries". Run.

Gotta go. This bag of Doritos ain't gonna eat itself, you know.

My Rating: 0 stars, except for Scarlett Johansson, who gets 00 stars.

Trivia: In the spirit of the old William Castle horror film promotion gimmicks, "The Nanny Diaries" included, in select major cities, a 'Penis Check' room, where any male who went to see this could actually check their penis and leave it safely in the lobby prior to entering the theater.

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