Thursday, September 25, 2008

Reviews of the Ignorant: Financial Disaster Edition

Ok, so as banks disintegrate around us like the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi and my house is now valued at approximately two cans of green beans (generic, at that) and fifty-two ketchup packets and people begin to wipe their butts with dollar bills because the toilet paper is worth too much, I began to think about money. Considering that I am rapidly approaching middle-age, it may be too late to begin to think about money, but, since so much of our money is gonna be used to prop up banks that wouldn't have given me and you loans even when they were loaning it out to hobos, I couldn't help to think about it. Plus, the TV told me to think about it. And we should always do what the TV says to do (unless it starts telling you to kill your bail bondsman- some of us had to learn the hard way that even the TV can lie about things like that). Well, it didn't take me too long to think about all the money I had (estimated at $24.17), so then I began to think about other people's money. It was about this time that my wife started screaming, telling me to stop thinking about other people's money and go make some of my own so that we don't have to eat Ramen noodles for the 8th night in a row. Well, you know, it's like I always tell her, priorities, baby. Some of us are doers, some of us are thinkers, and some of us just think about doo. And I put myself squishily in the last category.

Anyhow, seeing all the portfolio decreasing turmoil and asset plunging tumult going on in the financial industry doesn't worry me too much; to be part of the financial industry requires two things I don't have- finances and industry- and I don't have those in spades. Or clubs. Or hearts. So I stand to be less hard hit than some by the Greater Depression that seems to be developing. In fact, I actually owe my bank $57 in NSF fees, so if it goes under, I actually stand to make a profit. (Take that, Mr. Financial Planner! You laughed when I told you my retirement planning consisted of buying scratch-off lottery tickets, but who's laughing now, eh, Mr. MBA-hole?) Which brings me to the biggest box-office bombs of all times. Now, by using both the scientific and the rhythm method, I have come to the academic conclusion that these films bombed because no one saw them. And, when I say no one, I am including myself. Since the mission of this blog is to review films I have never seen and to express opinions about things which I have no knowledge, these cinematic turkeys are perfect for posting. Without further ado-doo, I bring you brief reviews of the Ten Biggest Money Losing Films of All Times That I Have Never Seen Based on Total Loss of Accumulated World-Wide Gross (or, as we in the blog business like to call it, TBMLFoATTIHNSBoTLoAWWG for short).

(And, before I go on, a brief note about sources: I found this on some web site on the Internets. I can't remember the web site now, but, honestly, what do you really care? They all look the same anyhow. And, since it was on the Internets, I know it to be true. Unlike the TV, which sometimes says bad things, the Internets is a haven of truth, honesty, beauty, authenticity, and free Viagra. Oh yeah, and porn.)

Numero 10-o: Windtalkers (Loss of over $76 million)

What is this film about? Who knows? No one saw it! My assumption is that it is a lovely coming of age story about boys who meet in the woods and have farting contests. Kinda like "Stand by Me", only sucky. The only kind of talking I would want to hear with this flick is someone talking me out of seeing it. It looks like Nicolas Cage, who makes such good choices in both career and baby names, starred in it. Maybe someone should ask Nicolas Cage (nicely reason to humiliate the guy) to give back all the money he has been paid for every film he was in after 1992 so that the poor execs at AIG can continue to live the lifestyle they have become accustomed to. On second thought, why not just throw the whole bunch of them to the wolves.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Stealing the Ronald McDonald House coin box so you can get a case of Pepsi Maxx on sale at Walmart

Numero Nine-o: The Sound of Thunder (Loss of $77 million)

What the hell is this movie? Has anyone who didn't star in it ever even heard of it? I honestly didn't even think this was a real movie, so I turned to my dedicated research crew (including Lefty and Righty and the IMDB) to even see if it existed. Sure enough, it does. Something about prehistoric times altering the future. To which the only correct response is "Please, Merciful Jesus, make it stop." Sounds way too close to that cinematic turd The Butterfly Effect to me, although, in this case, the effect of the butterfly was definitely financially louder than the sound of thunder. This is not so much a movie as a philosophical puzzle: If The Sound of Thunder is made and nobody is around to see or hear it, does it make a sound? Starring a cast of nobody supported by Sir Ben Kingsley, the other question raised by this film is what in the name of blue-blazing hell did the filmmakers spend over $77 million dollars on? My assumption would be cocaine, because there is no way it went into the movie.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Cashing out your 401K to buy a used Nintendo DS

Numero Eight-o: The Alamo (Loss of over $80 million)

Remember it? No thanks. Jason Patrick stars as David Bowie, Dennis Quaid is Ziggy Stardust, Billy Bob Thornton is Crockett and Patrick Wilson is Tubbs. When it comes to filmed representations of the Alamo, I prefer the one where OJ Simpson runs through the airport. Those commercials were a cut above the rest, just bleeding comedy; in fact, you would never know where they would be headed.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Moving Your Retirement Fund into Enron Stock

Numero Seven-ito: Sahara (Loss of over $84 million)

So I assumed this was the same thing as Ishtar, but, apparently, its not. Starring Matthew McConaughey on the bongos and Penelope Cruz in a tank-top (So it's not Jennifer Connelly, but its a definite positive in a film so negative it makes my savings account look like a good investment), this is a heart-warming nature film, showing the harsh survival of many organisms as well as William H. Macy in the roughest climates of the world. Of course, no matter how distracted the audience may be by Ms. Cruz's tank top, we'll soon realize it is a mirage, an oasis in a sandstorm. This film may also be known for its controversial staged scenes of mass lemming death. Since real lemmings do not plunge to their deaths (and, although I am no Marlin Perkins- heck, I'm not even Perkins Pancakes- I also don't think lemmings are native to the desert. Of course, the last time I was in the desert, I was so whacked out on peyote that a group of cacti started singing to me and I married a coyote at a Vegas Wedding chapel, so there may have been lemmings there; I just may have thought they were Cocker Spaniels)...Where was I? Oh, yeah- since real lemmings do not plunge to their deaths in mass suicide, the scenes in this film that depict this were later revealed to be staged, nothing more than Matthew McConaughey throwing slippers at the crew.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Putting Your Kid's College Fund on Fay's Bray to Win

Numero- Six-o: Evan Almighty (Loss of over $88 million)

Almighty crappy, alright. This film so angered God that he smite it's box office grosses and issued His 3 Commandments of Bad Films: I. Thou Shalt Not Waste Time on This Garbage, II. Thou Shalt Forgive Morgan Freeman, for he knows not what he hath done, and he was in The Shawshank Redemption not to mention "The Electric Company", so cut him some slack already and III. Thou Shalt Not Laugh At Poop Jokes In A PG-13 Rated Movie. Would I recommend this junk? Noah way.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Adding the Church of Scientology on your joint checking account

Numero Five-o: The 13th Warrior (Loss of over $94 million)

Nope, didn't see the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, or 12th Warrior, how can I be expected to jump right in at #13? Starring Antonio Badass as Anton Chigurh, this film proves its luck by actually making only $13.00 (Antonio took Melanie Griffith for a date at a $6.50 Sunday Matinee). What's it about? 12 warriors find a girl in the woods, then bring her back to their cottage, where an evil queen disguises herself as an old woman and poisons the girl and the warriors with an apple. It's up to the littlest warrior, #13, to kiss all 12 warriors and the girl in order to save them from eternal sleep. The movie was brought to a standstill when Warrior 13 got to Warrior 8 and proceed to sloppily make out with him for the next seventy minutes, totally forgetting Warriors 1-7 as well as the girl. What does it matter? It doesn't. It sucks.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Trading your cramped little Prius for a roomy Hummer

Numero Four-o: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (Loss of over $95 million)

Ok, now, don't be ridiculous. This is a family blog, so I can't really go into details on this one. Needless to say, you can order it yourself from On Demand Channel 504 for $11.99, or download it as a double-feature with "A Night In Paris". Pervert.

My Financial Disaster Rating: Investing in anything Internet related that doesn't have the name "Google" somewhere connected to it (Of course, this blog is hosted on Blogspot, which is a Google company, which means you are sure to become a multi-bazillionaire by sending me money at the email address listed in my profile. Seriously. And pass it on to 10 of your friends to send me money, too. In fact, if you don't, Jesus will come to your house and break your arms.)

Numero Three-o: The Adventures of Pluto Nash (Loss of Over $96 million)

With a great title like that, how could it go wrong! Just reading that title makes me want to rent the that I can break it in half with my bare hands like a ninja protecting the world from evil. That sound you hear is an American Indian crying for the trash that has been made of Eddie Murphy's career. I'm assuming that the plot synopsis goes something like this: Eddie Murphy plays a cartoon dog who buys a classic car and then has a series of comic misadventures while traveling cross-country, ending in him discovering that family is what is truly important in life. Randy Quaid co-stars as Cousin Eddie. As a sequel to the beloved Christmas classic, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Pluto Nash is running on empty. Anyone who watches this Pluto would have to be Goofy.

My Financial Disaster Rating: EuroDisney!

Numero Duo: Stealth (Loss of over $99 million)

A movie so secret, no one saw it! This pinnacle of puke stars the beauty of Jessica Biel, Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles (with a decidedly sick attempt at humor as he flies an airplane), No One, and No One Else. It has now become known, through the Freedom of Information Act (Both Acts 1 and 2, as well as the Intermission), that this was not even a movie, but an attempt by the neocons to trick the American public into financing a disastrously expensive, flawed airplane program that, in the end, sent Jaime Foxx's career down in flames somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan. Tragically, director Rob Cohen survived to direct Mummy, 1-47, including the most recent film, where Brendan Fraiser is actually older than the Mummy. Bombs away!

My Financial Disaster Rating: Investing your life savings in Beanie Babies

And, finally, finally, FINALLY...

Numero Uno: Town & Country (Loss of almost $100 million)

And I told my wife that the leather trim and those alloy-look wheel coversjust weren't worth it, that the Dodge Caravan was just perfectly fine. Oh well, it has to be better than being seen in a Pluto Nash.

My Financial Disaster Rating: A Third Term for George W. Bush

Well, that concludes my reviews of the Top 10 Money Losing Films of all times based on total dollar loss. Now I guess I had better go see what my wife has been screaming about. I mean, how else was I supposed to finish this blog post if I didn't call off work? She really needs to understand what is important in life. It's not like the electric bill is past due or that...what, honey? What? It is past due, and there are guys out back turning it off right now? Oh sh

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