Friday, September 26, 2008

Ignorant Education: The Presidents, Part I

So it has been brought to my attention that this blog is frequently used by school children to help with homework, write reports, jump to really quickly to cover up surfing porn, etc., etc., etc. But the problem with this is that the content of this website, in addition to being questionable, is primarily lies backed by falsehoods covered by inaccuracies. This would be acceptable if this was a public school, but it is entirely unacceptable for a blog. The Internets has a reputation for truthfulness and honesty. I mean, it's not like just anyone can post on Wikipedia, or that that Czech supermodel you've been chatting with is really a 50 year old lawn service employee in New Jersey with one hand on his keyboard and the other down his pants. No, the Internets is a collection of expertly researched, strategically organized examples of stellar writing and focused research, and here we at the Frog Blog just post crap willy-nilly with no regard for the black eye it may cause the Internets. For this, we sincerely apologize, from the depths of our shriveled, blackened hearts. We also apologize for our cracks about penguins. That wasn't nice, and we have grown since then. However, we do not apologize for cracks about Katherine Heigl. She may have some people fooled into thinking she is hot, but we know the truth. Good skin and blond hair does not mask the fact that she is really a dolphin. Look at those side-of-the-head dolphin eyes. That couldn't be done on porpoise. And, what's up with that last name? Buy a vowel already.

Anyhow, that brings us to the educational portion of this blog. In penitence for our transgressions against honesty and integrity, we have agreed to begin posting educational content between our usual ignorant movie reviews. Seeing as how some people on TV keep blabbing about Presidents for some reason, we figured it would be a good time to start a series of presidential profiles. Starting tonight, we will begin a series of educational, informational fact sheets about all 76 American Presidents (and a few of their wives and girlfriends). So here you go, kids. No need to worry about homework- just cut and paste this junk into Word and print it out and, as the French would say, viola! Instant report! No need to pay that nerdy kid with glasses to write the thing for you (even if you do beat him up after school to get your money back). Just plagiarize this garbage and jump straight to the wedgies and swirlies.

To begin our series of Presidential Fact Sheets, we have chosen some of our most popular presidents, the Big 5 (as we in the industry call them) that appeared on Mt. Rushmore. It is always amazing that people can deny the Hand of God when something as amazing as Mt. Rushmore can appear in the middle of someplace as hellish as South Carolina. Or is it South Korea? Anyhow, only God can make mountains, and only an even bigger God can make them in the shape of American Presidents.

So, in summary, suck it, Japan! You think you are so smart, eh? Well, your president must look like some kind of anteater or a dustbuster, because all you have is Mt. Fuji. Americans, on the other hand, have a huge God who loves our presidents so much He zapped a mountain into place in the shape of their faces. See who's failing to educate their children now, Japan!

George Washington

Jobs: 1st President, Tree Service Supervisor, Teeth Model
Nicknames: Ol' Buckethead, Ol' Creakyknees, Ol' Dragon Breath, His Royal Fartness, D.C., John Adams
Value: $1.25
Favorite Color: Plaid
Favorite Book: Chicken Soup for the PreTeen Soul
Important Accomplishments: Created America, Killed Witches, Named the Mississippi, Licked Alexander Hamilton's Wig, Drank the Delaware River, Hands Out Autographed Dollar Bills to Fans
Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, wanna try and erect the Washington Monument?"
Little Known Fact: Also had a wooden leg, a wooden elbow, and a wooden plate in his head
Hidden Talent: Playing the Spoons
Most Likely To: Spit Like a Llama
If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Ill-tempered
Current Status: Dead

Thomas Jefferson

Jobs: 3rd or 4th President (One or the other), Dry-cleaner,

Nicknames: Smartass, Qui-Gon Jinn, Father of Our Country (Literally, with the paternity tests to prove it)
Value: $2.05
Favorite Color: Chartreuse
Favorite Book: Who Moved My Cheese?
Important Accomplishments: Bought Louisiana from the French while leaving them with France, Cracked the Liberty Bell and blamed it on that stupid John Hancock, Freed Sally Hemings- to come into his bedroom, that is!, Moved on up
Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, wanna see the Declaration of In-ta-my-pants?"
Little Known Fact: Was a notorious bad tipper
Hidden Talent: Macrame
Most Likely To: Hold these truths self-evident
If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Really annoying
Current Status: Still living, hiding in Argentina

Benjamin Franklin

Jobs: 7th or 8th or 9th President, Electrical Conductor, Snake Cutter
Nicknames: Poor Richard, Poorer Dick, Mr. Funbags, L'oeuff grande
Value: $100.00
Favorite Color: Turkey
Favorite Book: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Important Accomplishments: Invented lightening, Invented X-ray specs, Invented paper, Invented the car, Invented the day planner, Invented gravy, Walked around Philadelphia talking in a fake accent and creeping people out
Famous Quote: "Dude! That lightening shit is da bomb!"
Little Known Fact: Was not only a member of Hair Club for Men, but was the OWNER
Hidden Talent: Stuffing cats in his pants
Most Likely To: Rupture a hernia and bleed out
If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Starring in a remake of "Cannonball Run"
Current Status: Living Dead

John Quincy Adams

Jobs: 7th or 8th or 9th President, whichever one Benjamin Franklin wasn't, Dog-trainer, Horse Whisperer, All-about Cad

Nicknames: Quince, Quince-man, Quincerino, the Q, Pruneface, Whizzlehergerberg, Anthony Hopkins
Value: $o
Favorite Color: Heliotrope
Favorite Book: Green Eggs and Ham
Important Accomplishments: Made it through school with the name "Quincy", named the state of Quincetucky after himself (later changed to Kansas), found the creamy filling in Dolly Madison's treats, invented Beanie Babies but didn't keep up the patent, Acted as the country's first medical examiner, Was blinded with science

Little Known Fact: Was the inspiration for the Terminator cyborg in the Terminator films
Hidden Talent: None

Most Likely To: Be Mistaken for James Monroe

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Trying to sell you insurance

Current Status: Unknown

Abraham Lincoln

Jobs: 15th or 16th President, Real-estate salesman, Pro Basketball Player (Canadian League)

Nicknames: Mr. Mary Todd Lincoln, Pork n' Beans, Long Hat, Honest Abe (until he entered politics), Winkin' Blinkin' Lincoln
Value: $5.01
Favorite Color: Black

Favorite Book: Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret

Important Accomplishments: Filled the empty space opposite George Washington above the chalkboard, Was the original moody "Goth", Wrote over 700 songs, including "Moon River", "Indian Love Call", and "Horse With No Name", and ONLY SAVED THE FREAKIN' COUNTRY FROM DESTROYING ITSELF, YOU STUPID FOOL!!! And could eat glass.

Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, meet me in the Lincoln Bedroom."

Little Known Fact: Didn't know the Gettysburg Address without looking it up in the phone book
Hidden Talent: Weeping

Most Likely To: Dislike live theater

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Screaming and clawing at the inside of his casket

Current Status: Performing at Disneyland

Questions for Reflection

1. What makes a great president? Why haven't we had any?

2. Which of the current presidential candidates was more likely as a child to have met Abraham Lincoln?

3. What's so bad about Chester Arthur?

4. Did George Washington really sleep here? Discuss.

5. If a new face was added to Mt. Rushmore, should it be another dumb president, or should it be someone way more cool, like an actor or a football player?

6. Seriously, what is up with Benjamin Franklin's eyes?

7. Did you know that you can rearrange the letters in "George Washington" to spell "Who Negates Gringo"? Also "Agree Owning Thongs"? Also "A Greenish Gown Got"? Also"A Estrogen Hog Wing"? What does all this mean?!

8. Name 10 things you could have been doing that could have made America a better place during the time it took you to read this blog. Reread your list and feel guilty about it.


Doug said...

Finally some accurate info about our fine presidents. Thanks. Now I can stop copying from Wikipedia... lol

aracuanbird said...

Matteo...that is fucking hilarious!

Hoot Gibson said...

I love you.

-Hoot Gibson, Mesa Verde Times

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