Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Reviews of the Ignorant: The Butterfly Effect

As a way of introducing this most recent review of a film I have never seen, allow me to present this brief, one-act play, set in a pleasantly shambling house on a balmy spring evening, for two players and a full orchestra:

Me: Man, I am tired. I think I'll go to sleep, which is what people typically do when they are tired.

My Wife: (snarling) Why are you going to sleep! There's a great movie on the DVR. Come watch it or we'll get divorced and I'll take you for what little you're worth! (Hysterically) And I'll burn this house down!

Me: (resigned) Ok, ok, what's this movie.

My Wife: It's called "The Butterfly Effect" and it stars Ashton Kutcher-

Me: (holding the sides of my head in an attempt to keep them from exploding) AAAHH! OHHH! LAAA! EEEE! (various other unintelligible sounds) Sweet Lord Jesus Almighty! AAAAHHH!!

My Wife: What the **** is wrong with you!

Me: Where's the divorce papers! I'll sign! I'll sign! Whatever you do, just don't make me watch that MOVIE!!!!

Finale (as the French would say)

The Butterfly Effect

Ok, so that was the PG version of that play. The NC-17 version included a lot of swearing and gratuitious nudity as well as dismemberment and a hearty dose of blasphemy. Plus, there was a second act, where, after my wife left me, Jennifer Connelly came to my door, saying she'd been reading my posts about her and wanted to meet me, and we fell passionately in love and were married, wearing our matching white tank tops, and we ran away together to a tropical island where they sprayed for mosquitos bi-weekly. Unfortunately, I got so excited thinking about that second act that I never was able to write it without feeling faint, so it remains in my archives, incomplete, for future scholars to consider what might have been.

That said, in the interest of the Sunshine Laws, I must make a few disclosures before I continue this review. First, I am a supernatural junkie. By that, I do not mean I float through the air shooting black-tar heroin. No, I mean I love the supernatural stories. Anything creepy, kooky, mysterious and ooky and I'm there. Ghosts stealing a little girl into a closet. I'm there. Vampires taking over a New England town. I'm there. Zombies taking over shopping malls, military compounds, England, and secluded cabins? There, there, there, and there. Ghosts posessing Whoopi Goldberg and making her kiss Demi Moore? Uh, not so much, but I guess I'll still go there. The remake of "Black Christmas"? Yeah, well, we all have our limits. But I do like to see dead people. Second, I don't really have a second, but, since I started with a first and am too lazy to scroll back up and take it out, I'll put a second here to justify it. That, children, is called 'parallel construction', or something like that. And, really, it is all about the children, isn't it?

Speaking of Demi Moore, this piece of caca stars Mr. Demi Moore, who I am sure is a fine individual and apparently has many fans that are not me. I'd rather sit at a Justin Timberlake concert with my eyes pinned open like "A Clockwork Orange" than watch anything with Ashton Kutcher in it. I think it all started with that show on MTV, "Punk'd". First (or was THIS the second?), there was the stupid spelling of "Punk'd". Why "Punk'd"? MTV can't afford an 'e'? I mean, come on, Mr. Kutcher, I'd like to buy a vowel. "Punked"! The word is "Punked"! I never realized how annoying an 'e' is. Well, except for "silent 'e'" when you're taking your second grade spelling test. That 'e' pretty much sucks, too. Damn '4' out of '20' points!

Second (or is this 'third'? Now I'm all confused), he is so incredibly annoying on that show that I'd rather have my face dipped in hot plastic than look at him even one time. He sits there, all gangsta'd (oh no! there I went and left the 'e' out! It must be epidemic!) up, the camera all jump-cuts and wiggly hand-held, smirking while he talks in staccato bursts of random words, apparently describing the B-list celebrity they are going to take for a ride in a fake limo, or slip a butcher knife into their pocket while going through airport security, or fill their trunk with bricks of cocaine and then call the DEA, or burn down their house and build a teepee in its place. Then Ashton and his punkees stand around and laugh at how funny they are. What a terrible show. In the history of television, this has to be one of the least entertaining, smug, self-congratulatory shows ever, next to "The McNeil-Lehrer Report". I'd rather watch twelve hours of out-takes from "Car 54, Where Are You?" than ever accidentally turn this show on again. And I blame these negative feelings inside myself on Ashton Kutcher.

I also blame global warming, third trimester abortions, passenger pigeon extinction, and deep-fried Snickers bars on Ashton Kutcher. Why? Because, when these things take place, I can only imagine him and some star of "The Hills" laughing and pointing at the camera. But this is a film review blog, not a television review blog, and I sincerely apologize to my readers (reader? accidental stuble-uponer while looking for IMDB?) for taking up so much time on "Punk'd". As atonment for my transgressions, I will forever ban "Punk'd" from this blog, never to allow it to reveal it's ugly head again. In addition, to show that I am down with the kids (at least in a court-ordered kind of way), I will attempt a never before seen feat. At great personal and professional risk, and bringing with it the danger of collapsing the whole of the Internets, I will attempt to prove myself truely sorry for taking so much of your time and Blogger's space writing about "Punk'd" by, as pentinance, composing the entire next paragraph, containing the body of my review of "The Butterfly Effect", without using the letter 'e'. Allow me a moment of silence to prepare and tell my family that I love them.

Ok, and now, as never seen by anyone before or during, since no one is reading this, the amazing, astounding, collossal 'e' free ignorant review:

Th Buttrfly Ffct

Hr is a movi that is mor trrible than vn you can imagin. It is somwhat of a squl to "Jurassic Park", taking it's prmis from th ida xprssd by Jff Goldblum that, if a buttrfly in China fluttrs its wings, an angl gts its wings on th othr sid of th plant, and if a gazll in Africa lts a fart, Gorg Bush is llctd prsidnt on th othr sid of th plant. Ashton Kutchr plays "Jam Gunn", a srial killr who njoys tucking his pnis btwn his lgs whil dancing around to tchno music. But, whnvr h dos this, thr million Chins ar put to work in swat shops on th othr sid of th plant. Thn, whnvr his nighbors complain about th hidous loud tchno music coming from his apartmnt, a bird gts th flu on th othr sid of th plant. Ri vnts nsu. Mrcifully, th whol mss nds whn th polic com and arrst Ashton Kutchr for crims against humanity. H is put on trial in the Hagu, whr h is found guilty and sntncd to dath by lctric chair. But Urop dosn't own an lctric chair, so thy lt him go with the promis to b good. H thn runs around Urop with his pnis inbtwn his lgs, and Hilarity nsus. Finally, bcaus of mass snzzing fits on th othr sid of th plant, Ashton Kutchr is capturd, frozn in a block of ic, and kpt burid nxt to Walt Disny whr h can do no mor harm to th othr sid of th plant. As you can s, this is xactly nough lmntary thought to mak tnag girls fl thy ar smart, but, for anyon ovr th ag of svntn, ngough alrady! Lik my dar mothr llucidats vry day, ach of ight arly lphants at nough ggs to vntually vn th Arth. Xcllnt! Long liv th Intrnt!


(Gulps a full glass of water)(Gulps a full glass of CC and Coke)(Gulps a full glass of Milk of Magnesia)(Spits out a full glass of Milk of Magnesia)(Almost gulps a full glass of bleach, but sees the yucky green face on it and puts it down)(Gulps a full glass of white paste)(Smashes said glass in the fireplace)

(That other, non-gulping sound you may hear is the sound of the Blogger spellcheck locking up and melting)

And there you have it! The first and only 'e' free review on the Internet! Write this down in your diary, you were here when it happened! Like the day of your circumcision or the day you got your first tongue kiss from your elementary school principal, this is something you will never forget. And now aren't you sorry you even thought about skipping past this to the Spanish political blog next door. T-shirts and soundtracks available in the lobby.

And for anyone who missed the gist of the above review and is wondering what my true opinion is of "The Butterfly Effect", I'll provide a brief synopsis: Sucks.

My Rating: 0 'e's

Trivia: "The Butterfly Effect" spawned several little-known sequels, including "The Unicorn Effect", "The Little Pony Effect", "The Sparkly Trapper Keeper Effect", and "The Slam Book Covered in Rainbow Stickers Effect".

Correction: Ok, this is the absolute last time I am ever going to correct anything other than other people's opinions and grammar. It has become apparent that Frank Zappa is no relation to Hugh "Lumpy" Brannum, who played the role of Mr. Green Jeans on "Captain Kangaroo", as was indicated in a previous post. In addition, Mr. Green Jeans never said anything about "pissing in a tent". Frank Zappa's father, of course, was Eddie Albert, who was known for his role of Oliver Wendell Douglas on television's "Green Acres", the greatest show of all-time, and I mean that. And the quote about "pissing in a tent" was, obviously, uttered by Gandhi on the day of his wedding to Mother Theresa, upon seeing that four different guests had bought them blenders, totally ignoring the registry. We are happy to set the record straight and are sorry to have previously provided incorrect information. We are also happy that no one actually reads this so we were not served with a "Cease and Desist" notice. We regret any inconvenience it may have caused me to type this.

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