Thursday, June 7, 2007

Reviews of the Ignorant: The DaVinci Code

I am now going to review a film that I have never seen. I feel I am qualified to review this film since I had it sitting, rented from Blockbuster, from October 2006 to May 2007 on the cabinet by my television, and I never once attempted to remove it from its envelope and watch it. In full disclosure, I must admit that I have seen the commercials for this film, and I read the summary printed on the DVD sleeve. Using this valuable information, I will now provide a review so that others may form an opinion without first-hand knowledge of their subject, based on the opinions of someone who has no knowledge of the subject, thereby creating a vacuum of negative knowledge that could threaten the very stability of the Internets. But my motto in life is, if it is good enough for a sixth grade book report, it is good enough for a blog. So here goes:

The DaVinci Code

The DaVinci Code is a terrible movie. It is boring and way too long, over a hundred something minutes. Who would ever watch a film this long? A film should be no longer than 90 minutes, and that is pushing it. It is directed by Ron Howard, who hasn't directed anything good since his days as director of "The Andy Griffith Show". His friend Potsie has also directed some films, but I can't say I really want to bother finding out what they are. I expect they are probably not much better than The DaVinci Code. Ron Howard also directed that film with Russell Crowe and the amazingly hot and incredibly wonderful Jennifer Connelly. If Jennifer Connelly is in a movie, it is worth watching, almost to the point of making Russell Crowe tolerable. I may (and I put that in italics to indicate how slanted my feelings are towards this) have watched The DaVinci Code if the spectacular Jennifer Connelly was in it instead of some chick who looks like an elf.

Anyhow, this is one of the worst movies ever. Tom Hanks is running around with long hair in France, trying to find the code that DaVinci left showing who Jesus's (Jesus'? Jes-i?) real wife was. This, of course, is terribly offensive, because Tom Hank's hair is way too thin to be that long. There's some shooting and stuff to try and keep people awake, and there's some big guy with red eyes, and some people get killed and someone paints on top of the Mona Lisa. All of this is pointless and, without the benefit of Jennifer Connelly, there is no way anyone could stay awake through this nonsense. Of course, it did give something for the news channels to debate, priests vs. atheists and the secret life of Jesus and blah blah blah whatever. And there were ten million documentaries on the History Channel and the Discovery Channel at the time the movie came out, which I expect has something more to do with corporate synergy than anyone actually being interested in any of this. Please. The acting, the directing, the score, the costuming, even the set decorating all led to a movie so pretentious and horrendous that even homeless people looking for someplace to get out of the sun wouldn't want to sit through its two plus hours. This flick is so dull I couldn't even pick it up to mail it back and free up something else I actually would want to see from my queue. I fully recommend this film to no one. Instead, check out the classic "Career Opportunities", staring the angelic Jennifer Connelly locked in a Target with nothing to wear but a tight, white T-shirt. Classic and classy!

My Rating: 0 Stars (I would give it negative stars, but I can't bring my self to type even one more word about this tragically wretched celluloid abortion)

And, there you have it. Please check back frequently, because I don't really know a lot, and I have opinions on all of it, and I plan on sharing them frequently.

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