LOLKomodo Dragonz Will Prevent Suicide or At Least Make You Temporarily Forget How Meaningless and Insignificant Human Existance Really Is!

So, the economy's in the crapper, no one outside of the government has a job (as evidenced by the number of blogs on the Internets), our houses are worth about a can of tuna and two snack-size Snickers bars, Tiger Woods is probably cheating on his wife as I type this, they are making a third "Transformers" movie, there is still no peace in the Middle East, a white death-filled storm has cryogenically preserved the Midwest and East Coast, we are surely only weeks away from a zombie apocalypse, and our children may have to suffer with only one Xbox 360 this year instead of having one for the living room and one for the bedroom, just to allow us to have a small Christmas goose this year (God Bless Us, Every One). What is there to make us happy? What can urge us onward and upward and keep us going when the going gets dark and the tough get their groove on? Where can a person find something inspirational yet "Safe For Work" lurking around the Internets these days? Who can be our knight in green, scaly armour?

Why, it's LOLKomodo Dragonz to the rescue!

Yes, just looking at the hope and optimism in that image makes me burst with joy*. It just screams that, if LOLKomodo Dragonz can do it, so can I! Thank you, LOLKomodo Dragonz! You're our only hope! (And please remember: the above image is available for licensing to use at corporate retreats, motivational seminars, AA meetings, prison and mental hospital common rooms, church basements, fast food drive-thru windows where the "customer per hour" count is not high enough, retail stockrooms, teacher's lounges, charter schools, pediatrician's offices, military recruitment centers, computer screen-savers and anywhere else that depression, despair, and pitch black wishes for quick and painless death are the norm. Simply contact me to arrange transfer of the significantly large and up-front fee.)

Now, as that famous philosopher Robin Williams once said, "Carpe Dicem!", or "Cut The Fish!"

*and, of course, by "burst with joy", I mean "become very wealthy from royalty and product sales and win the love of the beautiful and talented Jennifer Connelly".

LOLKomodo Dragonz Take Your Mom's Inbox By STORM!

Thanks to the great response by, well...by absolutely no one to the original LOLKomodo Dragonz, in an effort to keep the momentum building, here is yet another hilarious (and by 'hilarious', I mean grossly photoshopped in a matter of five minutes) LOLKomodo Dragonz making its appearance on the Frog Blog. Just as in the case with the first, this is 100% guaranteed to please every old lady who edits a church bulletin in the U.S. of A., regardless of race, creed, hair color, odor, religious bulletin affiliation, or sexual orientation.
It will literally be only a matter of seconds (possibly nanoseconds) before the publishers swamp this blog with book offers and big checks like they give away at the telethons trying to secure the rights to "LOLKomodo Dragonz- The Bookz", flooding this blog with a deluge of such force and power that the entirety of the Internets may collapse into a black hole of stupid YouTube comments and naked pictures of Tiger Wood's special friends. Enjoy this photo, mouth-breathing web nerds, and prepare to cry when you see me and my Komodo Dragon on the arm of the beautiful and classy Jennifer Connelly at next year's A-komodo-y Awards ceremony.

As the great Winston Churchill once said, "I'll be rich, I tells ya! Rich!"

The Newest Rage: LOLKomodoDragonz!

In a desperate attempt to drive blog traffic to this forsaken and desolate corner of the Internets without actually adding thoughtful and carefully constructed content, I would like to introduce our newest and most original T-shirt friendly source of mirth and hilarity, the LOLKomodoDragonz! Read 'em and laugh, surfing fools:

Great for elementary school classrooms, dorm rooms, and dentist offices, as well as any place else people enjoy laughing at others that can't spell and/or possibly have a learning disability! Publishers, manufacturers of fine gifts, and various media outlets, please leave your contact information and the number that you are willing to pay for the rights to this quality humor, complete with as many zeros as necessary, in the always insightful blog "Comments" section. Nigerian princes and Viagra salesmen need not apply.

If Jennifer Connelly reads this, please laugh and find me funny. Please.

Ignorant Education: The Presidents, Part I

So it has been brought to my attention that this blog is frequently used by school children to help with homework, write reports, jump to really quickly to cover up surfing porn, etc., etc., etc. But the problem with this is that the content of this website, in addition to being questionable, is primarily lies backed by falsehoods covered by inaccuracies. This would be acceptable if this was a public school, but it is entirely unacceptable for a blog. The Internets has a reputation for truthfulness and honesty. I mean, it's not like just anyone can post on Wikipedia, or that that Czech supermodel you've been chatting with is really a 50 year old lawn service employee in New Jersey with one hand on his keyboard and the other down his pants. No, the Internets is a collection of expertly researched, strategically organized examples of stellar writing and focused research, and here we at the Frog Blog just post crap willy-nilly with no regard for the black eye it may cause the Internets. For this, we sincerely apologize, from the depths of our shriveled, blackened hearts. We also apologize for our cracks about penguins. That wasn't nice, and we have grown since then. However, we do not apologize for cracks about Katherine Heigl. She may have some people fooled into thinking she is hot, but we know the truth. Good skin and blond hair does not mask the fact that she is really a dolphin. Look at those side-of-the-head dolphin eyes. That couldn't be done on porpoise. And, what's up with that last name? Buy a vowel already.

Anyhow, that brings us to the educational portion of this blog. In penitence for our transgressions against honesty and integrity, we have agreed to begin posting educational content between our usual ignorant movie reviews. Seeing as how some people on TV keep blabbing about Presidents for some reason, we figured it would be a good time to start a series of presidential profiles. Starting tonight, we will begin a series of educational, informational fact sheets about all 76 American Presidents (and a few of their wives and girlfriends). So here you go, kids. No need to worry about homework- just cut and paste this junk into Word and print it out and, as the French would say, viola! Instant report! No need to pay that nerdy kid with glasses to write the thing for you (even if you do beat him up after school to get your money back). Just plagiarize this garbage and jump straight to the wedgies and swirlies.

To begin our series of Presidential Fact Sheets, we have chosen some of our most popular presidents, the Big 5 (as we in the industry call them) that appeared on Mt. Rushmore. It is always amazing that people can deny the Hand of God when something as amazing as Mt. Rushmore can appear in the middle of someplace as hellish as South Carolina. Or is it South Korea? Anyhow, only God can make mountains, and only an even bigger God can make them in the shape of American Presidents.

So, in summary, suck it, Japan! You think you are so smart, eh? Well, your president must look like some kind of anteater or a dustbuster, because all you have is Mt. Fuji. Americans, on the other hand, have a huge God who loves our presidents so much He zapped a mountain into place in the shape of their faces. See who's failing to educate their children now, Japan!

George Washington

Jobs: 1st President, Tree Service Supervisor, Teeth Model

Nicknames: Ol' Buckethead, Ol' Creakyknees, Ol' Dragon Breath, His Royal Fartness, D.C., John Adams

Value: $1.25

Favorite Color: Plaid

Favorite Book: Chicken Soup for the PreTeen Soul

Important Accomplishments: Created America, Killed Witches, Named the Mississippi, Licked Alexander Hamilton's Wig, Drank the Delaware River, Hands Out Autographed Dollar Bills to Fans

Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, wanna try and erect the Washington Monument?"

Little Known Fact: Also had a wooden leg, a wooden elbow, and a wooden plate in his head

Hidden Talent: Playing the Spoons

Most Likely To: Spit Like a Llama

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Ill-tempered

Current Status: Dead

Thomas Jefferson

Jobs: 3rd or 4th President (One or the other), Dry-cleaner,

Nicknames: Smartass, Qui-Gon Jinn, Father of Our Country (Literally, with the paternity tests to prove it)

Value: $2.05

Favorite Color: Chartreuse
Favorite Book: Who Moved My Cheese?

Important Accomplishments: Bought Louisiana from the French while leaving them with France, Cracked the Liberty Bell and blamed it on that stupid John Hancock, Freed Sally Hemings- to come into his bedroom, that is!, Moved on up

Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, wanna see the Declaration of In-ta-my-pants?"

Little Known Fact: Was a notorious bad tipper
Hidden Talent: Macrame

Most Likely To: Hold these truths self-evident

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Really annoying

Current Status: Still living, hiding in Argentina

Benjamin Franklin

Jobs: 7th or 8th or 9th President, Electrical Conductor, Snake Cutter

Nicknames: Poor Richard, Poorer Dick, Mr. Funbags, L'oeuff grande
Value: $100.00

Favorite Color: Turkey
Favorite Book: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Important Accomplishments: Invented lightening, Invented X-ray specs, Invented paper, Invented the car, Invented the day planner, Invented gravy, Walked around Philadelphia talking in a fake accent and creeping people out
Famous Quote: "Dude! That lightening shit is da bomb!"

Little Known Fact: Was not only a member of Hair Club for Men, but was the OWNER
Hidden Talent: Stuffing cats in his pants

Most Likely To: Rupture a hernia and bleed out

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Starring in a remake of "Cannonball Run"

Current Status: Living Dead

John Quincy Adams

Jobs: 7th or 8th or 9th President, whichever one Benjamin Franklin wasn't, Dog-trainer, Horse Whisperer, All-about Cad

Nicknames: Quince, Quince-man, Quincerino, the Q, Pruneface, Whizzlehergerberg, Anthony Hopkins
Value: $o
Favorite Color: Heliotrope
Favorite Book: Green Eggs and Ham
Important Accomplishments: Made it through school with the name "Quincy", named the state of Quincetucky after himself (later changed to Kansas), found the creamy filling in Dolly Madison's treats, invented Beanie Babies but didn't keep up the patent, Acted as the country's first medical examiner, Was blinded with science
Famous Quote: "DAD! I WANNA BE PRESIDENT NOOOOOW!!"

Little Known Fact: Was the inspiration for the Terminator cyborg in the Terminator films
Hidden Talent: None

Most Likely To: Be Mistaken for James Monroe

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Trying to sell you insurance

Current Status: Unknown

Abraham Lincoln

Jobs: 15th or 16th President, Real-estate salesman, Pro Basketball Player (Canadian League)

Nicknames: Mr. Mary Todd Lincoln, Pork n' Beans, Long Hat, Honest Abe (until he entered politics), Winkin' Blinkin' Lincoln
Value: $5.01
Favorite Color: Black

Favorite Book: Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret

Important Accomplishments: Filled the empty space opposite George Washington above the chalkboard, Was the original moody "Goth", Wrote over 700 songs, including "Moon River", "Indian Love Call", and "Horse With No Name", and ONLY SAVED THE FREAKIN' COUNTRY FROM DESTROYING ITSELF, YOU STUPID FOOL!!! And could eat glass.

Famous Quote: "Hey, baby, meet me in the Lincoln Bedroom."

Little Known Fact: Didn't know the Gettysburg Address without looking it up in the phone book
Hidden Talent: Weeping

Most Likely To: Dislike live theater

If He Were Alive Today, He Would Be: Screaming and clawing at the inside of his casket

Current Status: Performing at Disneyland

Questions for Reflection

1. What makes a great president? Why haven't we had any?

2. Which of the current presidential candidates was more likely as a child to have met Abraham Lincoln?

3. What's so bad about Chester Arthur?

4. Did George Washington really sleep here? Discuss.

5. If a new face was added to Mt. Rushmore, should it be another dumb president, or should it be someone way more cool, like an actor or a football player?

6. Seriously, what is up with Benjamin Franklin's eyes?

7. Did you know that you can rearrange the letters in "George Washington" to spell "Who Negates Gringo"? Also "Agree Owning Thongs"? Also "A Greenish Gown Got"? Also"A Estrogen Hog Wing"? What does all this mean?!

8. Name 10 things you could have been doing that could have made America a better place during the time it took you to read this blog. Reread your list and feel guilty about it.