Monday, July 2, 2007

List-o-rama! Penguin Edition!

What's black and white and red all over?

A penguin hit by a snowmobile!

Ah, eat all the veal you want, folks, I'll be here, floating in cyberspace, for eternity.

Anyhow, being a holiday week and all, I've decided to revisit that previous popular feature (popular with me, that is, since it took so little time, effort, or thought to produce) List-o-Rama! A little gift from you.

The subject of tonight's List-o-Rama is penguins. Now, I'm not talking about the stinky, slightly creepy-in-an-alien-way penguins that you find at your zoo, with their feet all cracked and crusty and their disgusting personal hygiene habits, including poop covered rocks. No, I'm talking about the cute movie penguins that are so popular now, what with "March of the Penguin Youth" and "Happy Marching Feet", and "Surf's Up! (So Quit Your Damn Marching and Get to the Ocean!)" Now it is a well-known but little verbalized fact that penguins control all media, ESPECIALLY the Internet, which is why you so often see movies about penguins, but so rarely see blog postings critical of penguins (and, allow me to point out, that this posting is not meant to be critical in any way, only informative and reflective of my love for our penguin overlords). The last thing I want is an army of marching penguins headed up my driveway to peck my eyes out in the attic. No, sir. I love me some penguins. Hear that, penguins! I love you! What? The joke at the beginning? Well, come on now, a little humor just makes you look kinder right? Everyone loves penguins. Well, Mel Gibson may not love penguins, but he was drunk, anyhow. That's why the rest of us keep giving you our money when you make your movies. What? More money? To avoid an accident? But I don't have anym- Alright, get your razor sharp, black beaks away from me! I'll get you your money. Just let me finish this posting.

Anyhoo, knowing that I have two rather large Emperor Penguins reading this over my shoulder as I write (back off, fish breath!) to monitor for "quality purposes", allow me to waste no further time in presenting, the Top Seventeen Favorite Movies of Those Most Glorious, Mighty and Wise, Yet Benevolent and Kind Birds Called Penguins.

Oh, and they want me to make it known that they CAN fly, they just choose not to. They prefer to march.

Top Seventeen Favorite Movies of Those Most Glorious, Mighty and Wise, Yet Benevolent and Kind Birds Called Penguins, Who Could Fly if They Wanted to, but Instead Prefer to March, Unlike the Flamingos, Who are Just Too Stupid From Standing Around in the Sun to Even Bother to Fly

1. March of the Penguins (Of course. Penguins are soooooo predictable.) (OUCH!)

2. Happy Feet (Again, how predict- OUCH! I'M BLEEDING, YOU JACKASS!)

3. Surf's Up! (No comment)

4. Madagascar (What's the deal with computer animated penguins? Is it some kind of feature that comes with the software, like "Penguin Animation: Shift-P"?)

5. Peeping Penguins (Banned on every continent except Antarctica)

6. Cry of the Penguins

7. Mr. Forbush and the Penguins (This is actually the SAME film as #6, but penguin's are not film connoisseurs (or as the French say, le connoisseurs penguine) and their attention spans are too short to realize that- OW! CUT IT OUT WITH THE BEAK, ALREADY!)

8. The Hot Spot (as with all living creatures, penguins love a naked Jennifer Connelly sitting on the bank of a lake)

9. Penguins Behind Bars (This is a real production- I didn't make it up. Of course, when a penguin goes to prison, they do save on money as they don't have to issue the black and white jump-suit)

10. Avenger Penguins (starring Steven Segal)

11. Penguin Justice (strangely, also starring Steven Segal)

12. The Penguin Always Rings Twice

13. Penguin's Under Seige (Steven Segal was not available, so starring Jean Claude Van Damme)

14. Of Penguins and Peacocks (strangely enough, I expect you can guess which one wins both talent and swimsuit competition and which one gets its beautiful tail feathers caught on fire)

15. Help Me (I'm Being Held Hostage By Emperor Penguins) (This is not a real movie title but is instead a desperate disguised cry for help while the penguins that invaded my home after I started typing this entry headed into the kitchen for a glass of ice and mackerel)

16. Des manchots et des hommes (since most penguins are blind from the glare off the ice sheet, this is not available in a subtitled version at this point, but only in a crappy dubbed version where the words don't match the beak movements AT ALL. Penguin dubbing is far inferior to that of Pelicans)

17. The Emperor Penguin Strikes Back

And there you have it, folks, a comprehensive, penguin moderator approved listing of the Top Seventeen Favorite Movies of the Glorious Penguin. I encourage you, if you cannot get enough penguins, to purchase everything from the Beanie Babies to the breakfast cereal. And it's like I always say, Elephant Seals Suck!

See you-wait. What? Uh, I don't know what you are talking about, #15. #15? You mean, in the list? Yeah, uh, well, that is a movie that, uh, I, well, it's like this-

(crunch, crunch, CRRRRCK!- then, silence...)

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