Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Reviews of the Ignorant: Autumn in New York

Happy 4th of July! I'm back from my brief visit to Antartica, and, man, was I wrong about penguins! They are swell! (Shaking involuntarily). Really, really swell!

Being the 4th of July, I do want to take it off and spend some time with the family. In fact, my wife made sure I wanted to by threatening my cojones (or, as the French say, le cojones) with a blender. But I didn't want to let you, my constant reader, and by that I mean myself, down by not posting an ignorant review today. So I have generously arranged for my brother-in-law, Wayne, to step in and provide this special holiday Review of the Ignorant.

So, ladies and germs, lets set off a round of fireworks and toss an extra burger on the grill for my brother-in-law Wayne. And remember, if today is your birthday, you must be Tom Cruise in a wheelchair.

Now, Wayne, take it away!

Autumn in New York

I don't quite know what I got to do on this here Internets. I mean, I don't even like to get near the Internets. It's the devil. Full up a' children pornographers and them ID thieves, I don't wanna be catched up in this Worl' Wide Web myself. But when Matt tells me he is gonna jest ferget that there twenty dollars he loaned me (which I did pay him back. Ain't my fault if'n his wife done took the money before he got it), well, I guess sometimes a man jest gotta hold his nose and shovel the shit, if you know what I mean. For twenty dollars, I'd eat the shit, if'n I had to.

What was I talkin' about? Oh, some stupid movie review. What's the name of this thing? "Autumn in New York"? Man, that sounds terrible! But I never seen the thing. How would I know nothing about it? I ain't gonna write nothin' about this. Post some crap 'bout this on the Internets, what a waste a' time. I don't care 'bout no twenty dollars. I ain't gonna write this.

I guess since I got the space, I mighta well write somethin', know what I mean? Bein' as how this is the birthday a' the greatest place in the Universe, the U. S. of A, maybe I should say a few words 'bout the greatest leader we have ever had, President George Jefferson Bush. Now, a lot a' your garden variety pinkos and New York liberals are gonna vomit when they read that sentence, and ta that I say, vomit away ya dirty, herb-smokin' hippies! In fact, the thought a' that there vomit makes me smile so much, I think I'll jest say it again: George Jefferson Bush is the greatest president we have ever done had! Take that, all ya Hollywood wackos and communist lefties! Hope ya got your puke buckets handy!

Now, even a few a' my close personal acquaintances have been so brainwashed by the liberal mainstream media that they might say things like "George Bush is a nut" or "George Bush has greatly overstepped the separation of powers in expanding the bounds and autonomy of the executive branch" or " George Bush sucks donkey dong" or "George Bush sucks llama tits" or some other such "George Bush sucks (insert your own animal genitalia here)". Well, to them, all I can do is cry (on the inside- I have never actually cried in my life, not even when my hand got caught in the strainer at work an' two a' my fingers ended up in the beer bottles. Not even when I saw my own mother sucked up in that there tornado, yelling "I'll get you my pretty" while she disappeared into its guts. Not even when my oldest son was born with that second head. Well, now, I do have to admit, I did get a little bit a' dust in my eye when I read that Ronald Reagan died. But it was dust, not tears.) To those people, who are traitors against this here great nation in their refusal to support our Commander in Chief, I feel sad, and I also feel like I'd like to rip their heads off and spit down their bloody necks.

Sorry 'bout that, folks. My sponsor says I gotta control my anger more, but let it out more creatively, like paintin' a mural or writin' a song. So I wrote a' song called "These Colors Don't Run", but now I'm bein' sued for copyright infringement, so it jest goes to show you can't win when them liberals is making the laws. An' that, no matter what 'conditions of continued employment' they require, it ain't worth it to have a sponsor. There's other jobs, an', even if'n there ain't, there's always disability 'cause a' them missin' fingers. And the missin' eye, but that was back in the mines anyhow.

Anyhow, why is George Bush the greatest leader we've ever had the grace of God and the Su-preme Court to be blessed with? 'Cause he makes a stand, and he ain't gonna waiver. No matter how many people are killed, no matter how wrong his stand may prove to be, no matter when everyone turns against him and leaves him twistin' like Saddam at the end a' his rope, with them Shia pets or whatever them people are called cheerin' and whoopin' like it's a tractor pull, George Bush ain't gonna change his mind. That is the mark a' true man, know what I mean? If you can stand up and say, not jest at the stupid AA meeting but in front a' the whole world, "I'm wrong and I'ma gonna continue to be wrong", well, you jest demonstrated you ain't no pussy in my book, I tell you what. An' I do got a few books a' pussies.

Why else is George Bush the greatest leader of the free world, and greatest conqueror of the unfree world? Well, there is his tax cuts, which got me an extra fifty-two dollars back last year. 'Course they cut my disability by seven hun'ert dollars a month, but, unlike most whiny liberals, I am more than willing to sacrifice for the country I loved. Then there is his plan for universal health care, which will surely help me when I got ta have that there brain surgery from the coal bore stuck in my skull. I mean, President Bush is there for the workin' man, lettin' us keep more of our checks instead of givin' it out for welfare, and then we can put it into that there Healthcare Savings Account. I jest got my monthly statement the other day, an' I got almost two hun'ert and thirty-seven dollars in my savings account, an' it's only gonna take, what, another eleven thousand eight hun'ert dollars to get that surgery done? Back when I had insurance, so much a' my check was goin' to welfare and handouts that I know I never coulda afforded that fifty dollar co-payment they was wantin'. With my Healthcare savings account, I finally am trusted to pay for my own procedures, when I want them, not when some insurance is telling me to get them. An' it ain't like Canada, where I'd have to wait two months to get this here surgery. No, ma'm, as soon as I got the money in the account, which'n I figure will take only 'bout sixty-two years or so, I can walk into that there surgeon that same day and require they get this bore outta my head. So long, uncontrollable black-outs and loss a' bowel control! And no socialist government is gonna tell me when I can walk in an' get that done!

An' terrorism? Hands down I am happy we got President Bush watchin' our collective asses. I mean, he had ta clean up Slick Willie Clinton's mess with that there World Trade Center, what with Clinton missing that Bosama Al Ladin, or whatever his name is, when he had his chance to take him out. And clean up he did! Those men and women who are losing their lives and legs in Iraq understand why they're there: we got to protect our world and are oil. Like my song says, these colors don't run, but that oil sure flows! An', ever' time I'm down at the Speedy's fillin' up the truck, I remember that some poor kids legs had to be lost for me to do that. 'Course, since my disability been cut back, I haven't been able to put much more'n a gallon or so in the truck at a time, but the missus don't need more than that to get back 'n forth to the gas station now, does she? An' that, again, is a sacrifice I'm willin' to pay for my freedom. I'd be in Iraq myself, but, a' course, with this coal bore there in my head, not much I can do now, is there? It's like we used to say when we were back playing football: there's athletes and athletic supporters. Well, with this war, there are wars and war supporters. An' I knew it would be a long haul there in Iraq. It's not like them there people know how to run a government, with all their "Ali Admiral Ackbar" and whatever else, know what I mean? I knew it wouldn't be easy, and I am more than willing to support those troops 'til the job is done. Cut an' Run? Give me Gut for Fun! I'm right there with them troops, watchin' them on Fox News and sendin' them my prayers, all the way to the end. No way I'm givin' up on them. I'm a patriot, baby! If it takes the sacrifice of seein' the dead ever' night on Fox News, I'm up for the long haul, and I know they ain't dead in vain.

So, between his blind loyalty to faulty ideas, his cuttin' a' communist social services, his tax cuts that heavily skew towards investment income (an', I tell you what, I got over sixty-seven dollars myself in the credit union Christmas fund! That there's my money, ain't no taxes on that thanks ta President Bush!), his bravery in sendin' our children (well, not mine, in particular- they are all in the custody of county protective services anyhow, but I'm talkin' about 'our children' as a county) off to proudly defend our country, and his wisdom to allow the free market and competition to control prices of necessary utilities, such as oil, not to mention the fact that he brought integrity back to the Oval Office after eight years of the Clinton nightmare (Scooter Libby, you got! Stand by your man, Mr. President! That, you Internet freaks, is true integrity), and you can see why President George Jefferson Bush is the greatest president in the history a' this country. He may be the greatest president in the history a' the universe (which I am sure we can find out for certain when he finally gets his program goin' to send a man to Mars and we can access the historical record there- it ain't enough to conquer this planet for President Bush- no way, he's gonna conquer that there Communist Red planet as well),

And anyone who disagrees with me is a tree huggin' leftist who would rather call names and slander than kiss my ass in the arena of ideas that I inhabit. And, even if they had a good point, they wouldn't last a second when I hit 'em in the head with a bottle.

Enough a' that crap. It sure does take it outta a man to try and type all this junk with only three fingers on one a' your hands. And I believe I'm gonna have diarrhea. Too many burgers, I guess. Oh, man, I jest did. Not again.

My Rating: What the hell does that mean? 'My Rating' a' what? That stupid movie? Well, how would I know, I ain't never seen the thing. Reviewing a movie ya'll never seen, that's the stupidest nonsense I ever heard. But I will tell you this, for George Bush, I give fifty stars an' seventeen strips. So my rating's fifty stars. An' these colors don't run, baby! But my bowels sure do. Excuse me.

God Bless America! I Rock-y the Iraqis!

Oh, man, not again. Honey, you'ins get in here an' help me with this mess!

1 comment:

Little Lord Fauntelroy said...

Yes, but I think you ignore the larger, more important question: Chupacabra, Fact or Fiction?