Saturday, July 14, 2007

Reviews of the Ignorant: Pay It Forward

Hello to all our first time visitors, including myself, since it has been so long since I have been here, I feel like my blogging hymen has grown over and I'm being touched for the very first time! First off, I want to apologize to our long-time fans. Both of you may have noticed that the last one or two or six posts were sub-par. Unfortunately, I feel suspicious characters, like demons and international spies and republicans, may have gained unauthorized access to this blog, and totally changed the theme. In order to correct this tragic waste that has quite possibly caused a hole in the blogosphere, I have fired the entire writing staff and placed a fine, upstanding citizen, who has just recently learned he has more time than he originally anticipated, in charge of quality control (that's you, Mr. Libby! Wave to our loyal readers, Scoot!). No more political rants or satanic penguins (Although I really love you penguins- really, really I do!). No more whorish attempts to drive blog traffic. We're gonna get back to basics and remember our special purpose.

And what, you new readers may ask, is our special purpose? To find the topless pictures of Miss New Jersey. No! Wait! See, that's the kind of inappropriate thing we are banishing from this blog. No, our special purpose is to provide the readers far and wide on the Internets with reviews of movies I have never seen. Why? Because it is the Manifest Destiny of all loyal Americans to decide their opinions before even having any knowledge of the subject. And I'm going to continue, as a true patriot, to do just that.

So it has been a while since I posted here, and the main problem is that I have actually seen some movies! It sure does make it hard to review movies you haven't seen when you've seen them. Anyone can review a movie they've seen. They do it all the time: "Oh, go see 'Live Free of Die Hard'. I saw it this weekend, and it was a great film to watch while I had relations with my boyfriend!" or "Man, that "Transformers" was great, 'cause trucks and stuff and blowing up and stuff and it rocked, dude! Shit!" These are actual reviews taken from a) a discussion board posting on the Focus on the Family website and b) Gene Shalit on "The Today Show". See, anyone can do that! But true skill comes from reviewing the films you HAVEN'T seen. So, when I saw some movies, all of the sudden, the pool of films that I hadn't seen became, like, 3 films smaller. And this makes it, well, all the movies ever made minus three times harder to find something I haven't seen. But I am committed, at least my wife says I should be, so I search far and wide, in the darkest corners of the Internets, to come up with a flick I have never seen that I can review for you. And, after passing up "Find Flicks That You Have Never Seen Ringtones" and "Buy Flicks That You Have Never Seen on Ebay" and "Flicks That You Have Never Seen: $9.99 and Up", I finally found one that has never passed my corneas. So, after a brief hiatus for quality control, I proudly bring to you a brand-spanking new Ignorant Review.

Pay It Forward

Now, when I was growing up, my mother always told me "Son, whatever you do, don't make fun of retarded people, unless they make fun of you first. Or if you just can't help it and you want to impress your friends with how funny you are." And this was wise advice that I took to heart, or at least took more to heart than her other advice: "Son, never take a hit off of a three-storey bong." Man, I wish I had listened to her on that one. If I had, I'd probably still have two lungs, and my left eye wouldn't twitch so bad. Let me tell you, waking up the next morning with three dead squirrels down your pants, that it not good news, not by a long shot.

But the stuff about retarded people, that I really listened to, well, at least outside of the third grade talent show. I mean, come on, those autistic jokes killed! Yeah, and there was the fourth grade talent show, but that was the year observational humor was all the rage. And, well, I guess, also not counting the sixth grade talent show, or the seventh grade talent show. At least I was banned due to parental complaints from the eighth grade talent show, so I had to listen then. But I was back with a vengeance for the ninth grade talent show, and I had some of the best retard jokes ever uttered in front of a high school audience, including the special visitors that day, the school board and the superintendent! His voice may have said things like, "inappropriate" and "horrifying" and "being transferred to another district", but his eyes, his eyes, they were laughing. Probably only helped because he had adopted two Down syndrome kids- he knew it was funny because it was TRUE!

But that aside, I have really felt bad whenever I have made fun of retarded people, all thanks to my mom. So it makes it hard to write a sensitive review of "Pay It Forward". I mean, if there has ever been a movie guilty of being strapped into a seat on the short bus, this has to be it. How can I review it? One wrong move, and its "expulsion" time all over again, only this wouldn't be out of Rutherford B. Hayes High- no, we're talking expulsion out of the INTERNETS THEMSELVES!!! And it's not like you can be sent to another Internet across town or anything. As far as I know, there isn't an Internet were all the blacks and Italians go, and they all beat you up at the bike racks after logging on. And then it gets even worse when you do your act at the tenth grade talent show, just trying to entertain people, make a few friends, and how are you supposed to know that Guiseppe Calabrese had a mentally retarded sister? I mean, I can understand how dealing with pressure like that could make you want to stab someone in the neck, but why would you choose a guy just telling some jokes at your talent show? I mean, learn to laugh at yourself, buddy! But, if you're reading this, I don't mean that disrespectfully, Guiseppe. In fact, I'll be happy to write your blog, too, just as soon as I finish mine. Just don't get near my neck again, okay?

Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah, "Pay It Forward". Man, does this movie suck like Antony Abrazi's sister in the coat check room at the Junior Prom (which was themed, by the way, as "1001 Promabian Nights"). I mean, come on, what's the idea of this thing? Be nice to someone, and you'll get something nice back? I gave up this idea when they told me in Sunday School that, if I put my last quarter in the collection plate, I'd get a warm feeling inside. And the only warm feeling I got was when I turned around and caught the sleeve of my robe on fire on the candle behind me. Well, there was that warmth combined with the warmth in my pants when I urinated after seeing the fire spread up my sleeve. And then, of course, whenever I went back to Sunday School, not only did kids flick me in the skin grafts, but everyone called me "Little Pissy Fire-Arm Boy", even the teacher. Like that was worth a quarter. And yet, despite proving this idea scientifically wrong, people continue to believe it. Just the other day, I got an email that had a joke about a woman, a plumber, and her husband's balls, and, at the bottom, right next to the thing that said "Jesus is the Man, and Mary is the Motha!" This joke promised that if I forwarded it to 1802 people, a big sack of money would fall through my roof. And something fell through my roof, alright, but it was a bunch of water because I hadn't cleaned the gutters in twelve years! Of course, my wife pointed out, as we huddled out of the way of the howling storm outside the six foot hole in the roof, that I had actually only forwarded to 1751 people, and the fine print of the email said that, if you emailed to 80-1764 people, your roof would cave in, but no money would fall through, only water. Man, fine print blows! Of course, the people I really feel sorry for are the people who only emailed 0-79 people, 'cause the email said a dead musk ox would fall through their roof. Ouch! But here, yet again, is an example of how, no matter what number of emails you pay forward, most likely nothing but water and dead animals will fall through your roof. As the French say, "Grande merde!" (Ok, I admit it, for the sake of total truthfulness, I have never heard a French person say that, but I expect, if a dead musk ox fell through their roof, that is the kind of thing they might say.)

Anyways, "Pay It Forward" not only sucks, but it lies worse than those Jesus & Mary chain-emails. And it stars Kevin Spacey, who somehow got a reputation of being a good actor while starring in horrible films. Maybe it's the same reason that I hang around with nothing but grotesquely fat people; it makes me look thin. So Kevin Spacey stars in a pile of crapiola like "A Time To Kill" (which I have also never seen, but I am automatically assuming is terrible) and he looks good in comparison to the horrendous stench the rest of the flick is throwing off. I mean, seriously, "K-PAX"? Sounds like something you're gonna have to take penicillin for for two weeks. "Beyond the Sea"? That's the best place for that movie. "The Shipping News"? If no news is good news, then we all must know what, based on its existence, this thing is- BAD! Someone out there is shouting that "American Beauty" was a good flick, but I challenge you to watch that again. When the most lively character is a bag blowing in the wind, you know you're in trouble. Plus that Mena Suvari! Yikes! In the spirit of trying to hold this blog to its stated goal of quality, classy ignorant reviews, I won't say she is ugly or anything. But, my gosh, I've seen things that look like that eating crayfish off the bottom of a creek. If I'm gonna believe that a grown man is going to ruin his life over an underage girl, she sure as heck better not look like she could be cleaning algae off a fish tank.

In addition to Keven Spacey, this heap stars Haley Joel Osmond, the youngest of the Osmond family who used to see dead people. The most frightening dead thing he's seen lately would have to be his career. I mean, here's a kid who is all cute and good in "The Sixth Sense", and, by the time he hits "Pay It Forward", looks and acts like Howdy Doody on crack. Plus, I think he was thirty-two when this film was made, but he plays, like, a nine-year old. Sadly, I do think Mr. Osmond actually exploded and died after eating Pop Rocks and washing it down with Diet Coke. Either that, or he was killed in Vietnam. After finding out that Mr. Green Jeans was his father. And there were snake eggs in his hat. Whatever it was, so much for the reunion concert.

And then there is Helen Hunt. Ms. Hunt, despite having a little moustache action going on, wasn't an unattractive woman. I can excuse the moustache, as it was probably genetic; the women in my family have them going back for sixteen generations, and some cave paintings in France show that they may have had them even further back than that. Heck, Alicia Silverstone sported a full blown handlebar complete with waxed up twisty sides in "Batman and Robin", and she's still hot. And Helen Hunt had the good sense to realize that, in "Twister", the white tank-top is the uniform of choice for an actress. Especially in a movie filled with rain. But here, my friends, lies the rub- there is only one woman who rocks the white tank top in a film that ever matters, and all women who attempt it are about as attractive as my dad in his wifebeater undershirt in comparison. I'm talking, of course, about the radiantly beautiful Jennifer Connelly in "Career Opportunities". When Jennifer Connelly slipped her acting into that white tank top, all other women of the world better give it up, because you just aren't going to compare. Try a hot pink, or a mint, or whatever other color Old Navy has on sale. But leave the white on the rack, 'cause it has already been filmed on the greatest rack of all times. Any woman who DARES to wear the white tank top will only be crushed by the memory of the insanely gorgeous, stunningly talented, and incredibly intelliigent Jennifer Connelly. It's like if you take a Bob Ross painting course and then hang your happy little trees up next to Van Gogh's "Starry Night". Your mom might say, "Awww, honey, your's is the best in here!", but she's really thinking, "You worked real hard and all, but that looked a lot better in the basement rec room than in a museum". So Helen Hunt can never be forgiven for attempting to fill the white tank top of filmdom. Therefore, every film she has ever done after "Twister" is instantly filed under "Suck". Like the old saying says, "If you dance with angels in white tank tops, be prepared to grind".

So there you have it. A lying movie filled with a white tank top wanna-be, a mythological kiddie-singer, and Kevin Spacey, who probably does a great job in the film just because the rest is such a load of hooey. In the spirit of the film, I'm going to attempt to pass something kind and good on to make the world a better place using the power of the Internets- DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! There. That is such a great public service I expect something amazing to happen. I'm going to sit back and wait for a bag of money to fall through my roof. Should be easy enough with that hole already there.

("KNOCK! KNOCK!")

Well, well, who could be knocking at this hour, outside of a set-up for a lame joke? Let me see! Hey! Antony Abrazi! I haven't seen you since right before graduation, when you gave me that swirly that got those poop stains on my graduation cap! So what brings- uh, what do you mean? Yeah, you must have the wrong person. I, uh, I mean, I wouldn't know anything about your sister at the Junior Prom. I wasn't even there, how would I have anything to say about her? I mean, remember, I was going to ask my girlfriend to go with me and all, but she lived in Canada or Indiana or something, and she never could get down for the dances and stuff, and her religion didn't allow her to come out on weekends anyway. What do you mean, the stuff I wrote? Scroll up? Well, hold on...

Ooohhh...that comment. Well, that was a joke, you know. I don't really know anything about her and sucking and the coat check room. I'm just going on what the football team said the next day. And the pictures they had. I mean, seriously, Antony, even you had to know that your sister was known for her 'oral skills', even though she never was in the debate club. In fact, in Health class, Coach Dover used his time with her as an example to us of-

Hey, put that down! Get that knife away from my neck! I'm serious! I'm a brown-stained belt in twelve different types of fu! Put it away, man, lets just talk! Don't make me kill you with my bare hands! Back off! PUT IT AWAY, I MEAN IT! I mean, remember all the good times we had, like all the times Principal Skinner would take your sister down to the office to paddle her for four hours at a time-

AAACKK! ARRRGH! ARRRCH! HHHHHAF! (THUD)

My Rating: 0 Stars, except for Kevin Spacey, who looked really good compared to the rest of the movie

Trivia: It is a little known Hollywood secret that Helen Hunt, Jodie Foster, and LeeLee Sobieski are THE SAME PERSON. There has been cost analysis done with the idea of all three of them appearing in the same film and, due to the amount of split screen and CGI work that would be involved, it would be THE MOST EXPENSIVE FILM EVER MADE, so expensive, in fact, that just the mere trivial mention of it would have to be in all caps. To make this film, the world would have to spend the entire agricultural budget of Benin, and just making this film would cause this entire nation of 8.5 million to starve. Due to budget concerns, and the ethical considerations in wiping out an entire independent African nation, the film was recast starring three Lindsay Lohan's and Clyde the Orangutan, but, upon realizing that Clyde had been dead for twenty years and that, again, considerable CGI would be required to make him appear alive, the film was soon recast featuring Disney Channel star and screeching singer Ashley Tisdale, along with her two twin sisters. This seemingly doomed project was finally released in 2006 as the hit musical, "Apocalypto".

1 comment:

Guiseppe said...

Youse better consider youself lucky, you stupid prick! If that there Antony hadn't gotten ya, I woulda, you no talent homo! It's pricks like youse that gives this here Internet a bad name, you fairy! Eh, sleep wit da fishes, punk!